Parents don't think mt bf is good for me and making my life difficult!! Help!!

Former Member

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 months. Not that long, i know, but we were good friends for a year before that.

Although my parents like my boyfriend in terms of his personality etc etc, they are very unhappy about the fact that he doesn't have a degree and doesn't have a job atm. They are saying that he is 'highly unsuitable' for me as I have a Law degree and am going to become a lawyer whereas he has no hopes of supporting me in the future without a degree, a job and low prospects (due to him being 25 and thus 2 years older than me).

When i decided to go out with him, i found it was a problem as we couldn't a lot as he couldn't afford it. but, i still enjoy his company. also, its not like he's a lay-about- he is into graphic designing and computers and is working for his dad's company (although not being paid) and is an 'email developer' (i think).

I have had my fair share of boyfriends and I know he is different because he is the nicest person i've met and cares about me a great deal and i care about him too! i only see him on weekends as he lives an hour and half away so i either go to his on weekends or he comes to mine (we both live with our parents). but my parents are now saying he is not allowed to come over anymore as they dont approve and this means i'll have to go up to his every weekend, which is not only tiring for me, but means i dont get to really see my parents as i work full time in the week, so feel a bit bad about that.

So the other day, my parents and i had a heated arguement and they were basically saying that my bf can't come to the house anymore and they think i'm 'wasting my time with him' as we have 'no future' as he does not have earning prospects. they were basically asking me to pick between them and him. its such a difficult situation and i dont know what to do. the thought of breaking up with him upsets me so much i havent been able to sleep properly ever since.

I havent spoken to him about it (yet) but am seeing him this weekend and not sure how to approach the subject. I feel that if we broke up now it may be easier for both of us (tho it is SO hard to think i could do that now) than it would be in the future.

Help!! :crying:

xx

Former Member

Also, should mention my parents are very traditional- men are the breadwinners, women are housewives! And women should be married by 28!! And it is not good for girls to have many partners (my bf is only my 4th bf ever!)

Former Member

Surely life means alot more than material posessions? Your parents obviously have your best interests at heart, but maybe its time for them to learn to deal with YOUR decisions. Afterall, if this guy makes you happy and is caring then that must mean something?

Who knows whats around the corner? You say he has a voluntary job working for his dad, whats to say he doesnt fall into a promising career through this later on?
Try to sit down with your parents and explain to them how he makes you feel. Keep it calm and dont get heated as this is when things get said that people regret.

Live for now, forget tomorrow.

Hope my ramblings may have helped a little.
Good luck with whatever choice you make.

Former Member

Thank you for your response jaybles. :d

I have tried explaining to them that i am young (23) and not even THINKING about marriage and at this moment in time being with my bf is good for me because I enjoy his company. I explained there are so many things I need to do (like qualify as a solicitor and go travelling) and I dont know how these things will affect my life or my relationship. so i'm not thinking about it too much and going with the flow!

But they are saying I must plan and prepare for my future and failing to prepare and plan will lead to 'failure' whatever that means.

They also have an issue with 'how it looks'. How will they tell all the relatives that their daughter (who is educated with a degree) is marrying someone who didn't go to uni and doesn't have a job! I explained that those may be the circumstances now, but can never know what will happen in the future! He may become the next Steve Jobs!! They don't think he has the drive or the ability to succeed and so are very dismissive of this.

They're not banning me from seeing him but they are expressing their disappointment, outrage and sadness and this is making living at home very difficult! I would move out if i had the money!!!

Just feel like i am wedges between 2 things and can't decide! want to just remove myself from the situation and tension immediately!!

Former Member

Going with the flow is definitely a must if your 23. Dont get me wrong, planning your whole life from this point isnt really a bad thing, but living life to a plan probably wouldnt be AS enjoyable as living day to day.
From my own experience, ive never planned anything, and im doing quite alright.
Im having fun, being 21, its important to socialise and experience things. I usually tell myself.. Do something and regret it.. rather than regretting not doing something.

Sounds as if your parents are slightly selfish judging YOUR relationship on how it will reflect upon them.. I dropped out of A Levels.. worked in a super market. I didnt go to university.. But im now a Trainee Anatomical Pathology Technician at a hospital. University isnt everything, ive managed to get a very good job just from GCSEs!

If its getting you down, id suggest maybe sitting down in a room with your partner and your parents and just get everything on the table. Its not going to hurt if things are already going downhill?

Former Member

I'm not so sure sitting down in a room will help. They do really like him- his mannerisms and personality. My dad even once said he's too good for me and that he's be proud to have him as a son-in-law (woah!) but if only he had a job! So i dont think they'd pipe up in front of him and also, there is a language barrier as my parents are foreign and English is their second language. So even though they speak English, it can sometimes come out a bit blunt and forward = rude!! I think my boyfriend would cope well, he is quite and pensive but i think the experience would hurt him and i would hate to put both parties in that situation!

but i see what you are saying. he will be able to explain what he is working on with his dad and what he intends to do. i will run the idea by both of them separately and see what they say.

And well done to you for doing that! i will definitely use you as an example! :d

Former Member

If you have a degree and can take care about yourself you have no obligation listening to your parents opinion in this matter. You are in this relationship, so you have to call the shots. As long as you are not financially dependent on him, I don't see any problem.

So the other day, my parents and i had a heated arguement and they were basically saying that my bf can't come to the house anymore and they think i'm 'wasting my time with him' as we have 'no future' as he does not have earning prospects.

Why the hell has it always to be about money? Ask them that. Tell them you don't need a sugardaddy paying for your extravagance and just because someone doesn't earn a lot of money doesn't make him any more or less suitable for someone.

Former Member

Have you asked your parents if they'd rather you were happy and with a guy who loved you though maybe you aren't rich (ie your current bf), or with a rich guy who is all "my job, my job, my job" and neglects your happiness? (I know men exist that are rich and wonderful, but lets face it their uncommon, ha ha).
Seriously, I'm sure they wouldn't want you to be unhappy in a relationship and although the money is a concern for them, there isn't anything to say your bf won't find something that pays ok. No one can read into the future.

Anyway I'd pick happiness over money any day!

Former Member

Pretend he's managed to get a good job through the work he's be doing, one with decent prospects. Just make sure he's well-versed in what this imaginary job involves if/when your parents interrogate him :thumb:

Former Member

He's not looking for work at the moment- his dad owns a business (which is not doing well) and is a graphic designer. My bf is helping out and trying to get new clients (marketing) by doing more technical aspects (to do with computers) for it and trying to grow the business again. So just don't know what will happen. My parents seem to have NO faith in this whatsoever. Tbh, i'm not sure how much faith I have but am more than happy to give it time to see what happens.

My only worry is that if this venture fails, my bf is not happy about obtaining work elsewhere as he doesnt want to work for anyone. Likes working for himself/his dad so not sure that bodes well for future employment, but like i say, i am willing to wait!

Its not that I want a sugardaddy as such! I would just like 2 incomes and also, i'm not earning a great deal so can't really afford to pay for both of us to do things. So it just means there's less we can do because he's not earning. Its ok atm, cos its January and its a poor month but i'd like to go away somewhere with him in a few months and we can't even think abut it as he doesnt have any money, which is a shame. Its fine for now, but not sure how happy i'll be about it in a few months/years.

I went to see him last weekend, explained the situation with my parents. He was understanding but also very annoyed (understandably). I hate being in the middle of them both. I'm going to see him next weekend as well, but my parents dont know yet. Not looking forward to telling them!! :no:

Former Member

Hi stargirl, my boyfriend parents don't like me. They said he could do alot better than me and that was really hurtful. They also said if we have kids together it would mess his life. I've only been with him seven months but only now have they come out and said all this. I came so close to ending our relationship but i realsed that he was in the middle off all of this and he has done nothing wrong. I've only just realised if you really want something in life go for it! People are always going to try and push you back but if you keep fighting you'll win. I wish you all the luck in the world that everything works out for you.

Former Member

Stargirl wrote: »

They also have an issue with 'how it looks'. How will they tell all the relatives that their daughter (who is educated with a degree) is marrying someone who didn't go to uni and doesn't have a job

How it looks should never be an issue, especially if your boyfriend makes you happy. And since you've tried to explain that you aren't even thinking about marriage yet, they seem to be jumping a little too far into your future. You have your degree and are just about to start your career and the rest of your life - if your boyfriend makes you happy and supports you through that, then its a good thing to have him in your life.

Frankly, at this point in your life, what you do is entirely up to you. You're an adult and you're clearly intelligent and responsible enough for your parents to try and trust your decisions. :yes:

If you're not ready for marriage yet anyways and you're happy with him right now, be happy. As for the months/years ahead - they'll come one way or another, why not enjoy what you have now and face these decisions in the future? It sounds like you communicate well with each other and each know what you want - that's not so easy to find, I say, stick with it! :thumb:

Former Member

Stargirl wrote: »

My only worry is that if this venture fails, my bf is not happy about obtaining work elsewhere as he doesnt want to work for anyone. Likes working for himself/his dad so not sure that bodes well for future employment, :

I think maybe they just see through him a bit better than you do tbh. Im not saying he'll never make it, but tbh, it doesnt sound very promising, and you might need to have a proper think about what you want in life and whether you want to support him, because it sounds like you might end up doing that

Former Member

Wow, what a tough situation to be in! As a parent of grown daughters, I can empathize with both you and your parents.

I think when people who love you are disapproving of a boyfriend or girlfriend, their reasons are usually sound. So I'd have to ask how long he has been out of work, and what he is doing to improve his financial standing. Also, most men don't want to commit to a relationship if they aren't in a position to be a good provider, so your parents may be worried for this reason, too.

On the other hand, it sounds like you're looking at some of the things that may be concerning them - such as when you said he's not a layabout. When you talk to him this weekend, perhaps you can approach it objectively and say that your parents have some concerns, and that you want to consider whether their views are reasonable or not. See what he says about how and when he plans to become self-sufficient, and what he wants to see happen with your relationship.

With this information, you might be able to calm your parents' fears a bit, or realize that this man may not be the best for you even if he is a lot of fun to be around.

Former Member

I think though, he does need to get a grip on reality. Doing some unpaid work for your dad isn't the same as having a job. Him not wanting to work for another person doesn't bode well for the future and in that respect I think your parents might have a point. How is he going to setup his own business? What capital is he going to use?

He doesn't have to be a multi-millionaire, but I think your parents are rightly concerned that he is just an idle layabout who is willing to sponge off you.