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Erratic moods- Am I just pretending that nothing is going on?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey,

This is a bit of a difficult post to write because part of me thinks its all in my head, which I guess would still be a problem if it were the truth. I'm not even sure if I'm asking for advice or more looking for somewhere to vent some feelings I've been holding onto for a little while.

I've had a few issues in the past with depression and they've been less and less nowadays though my last bout was about a year ago where my doctor tried to get me to use anti-depressants but the bout disappeared after I changed jobs into my current job.

The thing is I can't seem to do anything like a normal person, i keep having these erratic moments of highs and lows. Enough for me to notice but not severe enough for people around me, with maybe the exception of my fiance, to have real cause for concern.

It's not just my mood but I get all these ideas for projects, life changes etc and they all seem like a good idea one minute and then the next it's forgotten. For example I decided about a month or two ago I was going to become a teacher, something I always swore I would never do, I told my friends, my fiance, my family had a little look and then forgot about. Currently I keep talking about getting a new job as I've got a few issues at my work but never actually get round to doing it. I need to pass my driving test and I write all these action plans and lists and then just never get around to doing it.

Now that would seem like nothing really at all to most people, just a few unfinished things that I never got around to doing, procrastination or whatever but there is this really, almost manic side to it, like I can't just have a general interest I become OBSESSED with stuff for a while, I must eat, drink, do, collect, buy, spend as much as I can on this one thing then completely disband it. Some months I'll spent half my pay cheque on make up when I don't wear any, I spend hundreds on gadgets that I never use, not enough to make me destitute but enough to make me question my sanity a little bit.

Over Christmas I got drunk a few times and a really horrible side of me came out. A side of me that made me decide that maybe drinking isn't the best for me. I have recollections of riling up my fiance, trying to get him to hit me and screaming "Everybody who fucking loves me hits me, why won't you fucking hit me!? Don't you fucking love me." (my mother and my first serious relationship were abusive) My new year's resolution has been to not drink and I'm pretty certain I'm going to stick to it.

I feel like a monster at the moment but it all seems to be in the shadows you know? Like nothing quite "out" there and part of me is wondering if my mind is making it up.

I'd go and see a doctor but every time I do they want to just give me medication which I don't like and makes me feel worse and, generally, on a day-to-day basis I feel FINE. I function as a human being, I get up, I go to work, I pay my mortgage, I love my fiance, we watch TV and we just live and function pretty much 99.9% of the time. I have everything going for me in my life, everything is good, it's almost like I don't think I deserve it and keep trying to, in those weird snatches of time try to sabotage myself.

Has anybody else ever felt like this? I don't think I'm ill and I certainly don't think I'm going towards any kind of breakdown but I keep seeing flashes of myself I don't like and as much as I talk to my fiance and he reassures me, I'm worried that I don't quite believe myself when I say that it might not escalate.

Thanks for reading. xxx

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi StarCrossed

    Thanks for posting. Sounds like things are difficult for you at the minute for sure.

    I know what you mean though, sometimes just writing it all down or venting your frustration in a productive way can be a great help.

    Everyone will feel unsure about themselves, there job or their expectations of life at some stage. It may not feel like it at the minute but its not uncommon to feel how you do.

    You said about your doctor, have you tried going back to the doctor and asking about alternatives to medication. It isnt always the best option for some people and your doctor should have awareness of the alternatives of even resources in your local area.

    You could even check out are alternatives to medication section here on TheSite.

    http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/treatments/alternativestoantidepressants

    Let us know how you get on.

    Cheers Phil :thumb:
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