Being messed around by online dates

Former Member

So, I've given the online dating thing another go...

My first date cancelled as he wasn't sure what he really wanted relationship-wise and wanted to have a really good think before potentially heading into something he might not be ready for - fair enough and reasonably mature response, but he should have thought about that before going on the dating site!

my second date - we had been talking for a while, and finally decided to meet up - He had to cancel the first date due to being told he had to do overtime (and aparently did a 24 hr shift). The second he was called out at 5.30am and didn't finish until very late. We had been texting each other like no tomorrow up until then and I said to him that I understood work was busy but if he wanted to meet up he needed to make time.....

I hear nothing for 24 hrs, so I send him a very simple "hey how was your day" kind of message....

Another 24 hrs goes by and still nothing. So I email him, just wanting to make sure he's OK... no reply.

So, tonight I tried calling him on another number and he didn't pick up (he hasn't spoken to me on the phone, he gets embarressed about speaking to people that don't know him because he has a high pitched voice). I then got a text asking who it was, I told him and asked what I'd done for him to not want to talk anymore, he said I'd nothing he had just been really busy with work.

I don't know if I should just can this one and move on or give him benefit of the doubt. I am awful at letting the guy to the leg work, thats half the fun of finding a guy! Some things don't seem to quite add up, but at the same time they could have a logical explaination...

Other people's takes on this one would be really helpful!

Former Member

but he should have thought about that before going on the dating site!

Many people have different views on why people should or shouldn't be on dating sites, its personal preference, not the preference of your potential dates.

I understood work was busy but if he wanted to meet up he needed to make time.....

If he was (he may or may not have been) busy with work then he may not have had any chance to make time.

So, tonight I tried calling him on another number and he didn't pick up (he hasn't spoken to me on the phone, he gets embarressed about speaking to people that don't know him because he has a high pitched voice). I then got a text asking who it was, I told him and asked what I'd done for him to not want to talk anymore, he said I'd nothing he had just been really busy with work.

Sounds like he deleted your number, hence why was asking who you were.

I don't know if I should just can this one and move on or give him benefit of the doubt. I am awful at letting the guy to the leg work, thats half the fun of finding a guy! Some things don't seem to quite add up, but at the same time they could have a logical explaination...

If I remember correctly, you have only recently decided to start looking for a bloke again. Since then you have already had two dates lined up, what if the first one had worked out, might well you have been suddenly ditching on the second guy?

Potentially since you are awful at letting the guy do the leg work (your own words), where guys are not making the leg work and/or dont care, you may or may not realise it as you could be shrouding this with all your effort.

You know me well and you know that if anything has come across a little blunt, I have not meant it to do so. Perhaps just chill out a bit and slow down.

Former Member

I guess I should. I just got myself quite excited about it all and it felt like a huge disappointment. But not the first and I'm sure not the last. The only reason he was asking who it was, was because I was using someone else phone - mainly to see if he was avoiding me or not.

I think I'm going to do my best to back off for the moment and just see what happens. I seem to jump into matters of the heart with both feet. I find it hard to do otherwise, but now would be a good a time as any to learn.

Former Member

He might well have been a little weirded out by you using someone else's phone if he suspects it was to try and find out if he was avoiding you.

Former Member

Quite possibly, I said i just wanted to see if he was OK and my battery had died. If I've weirded him out then so be it, I think I just need to be less full on/more casual/whatever next time.

Tbh, I don't think I have a clue!

Former Member

Wow. A whole 2(!) guys and you are not married with children yet?

Dating is probably the worst thing if you are impatient.

Former Member

Thank you for your words of wisdom Strubbles, appreciated as ever!

Yeah I am a bit impatient. I find it really hard to tone down how full on I can be - I feel like I'm denying or lying about myself.

Former Member

I would give him once last chance then just take it as he's not interested. if he really wanted to meet up with you he would make an effort. to be honest the ringing him on another number thing has probably weirded him out too. I'd just carry on looking, online dating can be frustrating but sometimes it works out.

Former Member

Honey, I've been 'online dating' for a year and a half and I'm still totally single.

There are a number of reasons for that, but one of them is that I have a tendency to have awesome conversations with people that maybe lead to phone numbers and then...nothing. A lot of the time we go through a dozen or so messages and then they just POOF! disappear. I haven't been on a date with anyone new in 9 months.

It's frustrating, but you just have to stick with it.

Also get me to rewrite your profile, because I'm shit hot at that (suck at writing my own, mind).

Former Member

Basically what Franki said. Remember they are guys at the end of the day and we let's face it, most guys are flaky as Hell

Former Member

From advice Franki has given in the past to someone else on here, her profile writing skills are ninja hot.

Former Member

They're definitely ninja hot.

It does sound like you're being a little OTT though. I'd have run a mile at the chasing you gave the second guy.

Former Member

Sometimes if you put your head down and go full on at people it makes them run away big time! I have been trying the online dating thing for a while and the last girl I had texting me was one of these full on people.

I left my mobile in my friends car at noon and he gave it back to me at 8pm, I had 18 texts off the girl, the first said "Good morning sweetie-pie!! x" and the 18th said "Have a nice life you f$£%ing C$£%" - It pretty much scared me off that kind of person could be the guy had a similar experience?
Personally if someone phoned me on an anonymous number to check if I was lying about being busy I would leg it.

Former Member

I guess I'm finding it odd because within a few weeks last time I was coupled up... but that was nearly 3 years ago.

I was talking to a friend, and my intensity is part of my personality - I'm not the sort that will be texting 18 times during a day without a reply, but I am dark and brooding and I have been told I can come across as somewhat domineering (which is very strange for someone who gets panicy in crowds). Yes I can try and tone it down a bit but I'm never going to be able to change my personality.

I think he probably is going to leg it now, and if he does then fair enough

Franki - I might take you up on the profile re-write!

Former Member

Thinking about it, if you're getting the contacts in the first place then your profile is probably not the problem.

Former Member

its good that you recognise that intensity is part of your personality, and while you may not be able to or willing to or even should have to tone it down, you need to realise that it WILL scare some people off, and thats ok, because if they cant handle you in the first few dates/correspondance, then theyre certainly not going to be able to handle the real you for any length of time, and the whole beauty of online dating is that you can weed out the ones you just dont get the right feeling from, pretty quickly and easily. It works both ways.
I really wouldnt be sending lots of text messages to the ones that back off for whatever reason, because while you think backing off is rude, id say a lot of people would say that not taking a hint is a bit rude too.

There will be the right person out there, who not only will be able to handle things like your intense personality, but they will embrace it and be looking for that, so dont be put off. Its not messing you around, its just how online dating works x

Former Member

I think the issue is that intensity often reads as desperation and that is usually a massive turn off most of the time. Since you stated that you're impatient because last time you were loved up in a few weeks, suggests to me that you're desperate for the same to happen again because when you're loved up it makes you feel better (as it does with all of us), which is understandable. But you really can't force these things to happen. I've been single nearly 4 years now and have tried internet dating on and off for about 3 years and so far haven't been successful. I don't think you should have too high expectations when it comes to internet dating because people are often quite dishonest and fickle and let's face it - there are SO many profiles on there, you're unlikely to find someone straight away, if at all on dating websites. But from what I've learned in dating people from both the internet and real life that if a guy isn't making effort to contact you and then doesn't reply or gives you vague responses that take ages to come then you can pretty much be certain he isn't interested, it's happened to so me so much. It may seem rude but graciously accept the hint and move on.

Former Member

What I dont understand is why you think toning things down would be you trying to change who you are, when all I'm thinking it does it makes you stop and think something through and potentially stop you from doing something without thinking it through?

Former Member

Theres being me intensity and then theres toning down the intensity thats created by me getting over excited by getting wrapped up in it. If someone can't hack the me intensity, then I agree theres no point going any further. But it could be an idea to tone down the getting wrapped up in it intensity.

But, regardless of whatever, he got back to me. I've kept it reasonably cool since - he's gone back to canada for a week for xmas, but we'll see what happens.

Right now, with everything thats going on for the next few weeks this is not going to be my priority, I've got very unhappy best friends and stuff like that to sort out right now.

Former Member

Yeah if i were you i would give him another chance as he may be shy and feel that it is best to take things slow so i feel he is just a bit quiet and reserved about meeting girls so maybe let him make the next move as he just needs time. Hope that helps. . xxx