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Marriage troubles

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello.

I was hoping I would be able to gain some advice, I am a married man with two children. I adore my wife and would never do anything to hurt her or our children. they're five and one. The eldest just started school.

I have noticed we do not speak much any more. We are not so close and intimacy is all but gone. we are distant with each other and it seems we are more of friends than partners now, we still kiss each other good bye but it is a peck and a "I love you" however it feels the words have lost a lot of the meaning.

I do love my wife but I am unsure as to whether or not I am in love with her any more. I appreciate things have to have settle due to our family and I have no problems with that. It seems we never spend much time together, completely understandable however it has strained things.

Now there is always a complication in these things and here it is. I met someone else, We are purely friends, we talk, get on well and she has expressed an interest in me. I have to admit I have a interest in her too. I talk to her about my troubles or problems too. I try to tell my wife my troubles, even just a bad day at the office yet I feel she is judgemental and gives me the "Try looking after the kids all day look"

Do I keep trying to work on this marriage for the sake of the kids, it isn't as if they're unhappy, we do not argue much and they all seem happy. I do not wish to ruin their happiness but do I get a choice on my happiness. This "complication" I am trying to make a decision without factoring her into it. however I am sure you appreciate it is hard at times.

Thank you for listening

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Isn't that what just happens in marriages sometimes? It's very very easy to get stuck in a routine, and I imagine even more so when there are kids to look after.

    If as you say you "adore your wife and would never do anything to hurt her" then you talk to her about it and/or make a concsious effort to get some intimacy going again.

    Always amazes me how in 99% of threads like this there is always "someone else" in the picture. Sort your marriage out, if it ends then you are free to pursue the "complication" but until then you shouldn't do anything except stay friends with her.

    Your friend is giving you the attention that you wish your wife was giving you. Ask yourself....if you were happy in your marriage would this new woman mean anywhere near as much to you as she does at the moment?

    Be very very careful with your friend, if you start or even suggest something might happen between you and then "see the light" and remain with your wife/kids it will not be much fun for her if she has genuine feelings for you, and she will find it very very hard to still be your friend in the future. I'm sure you don't want that.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Neddy wrote: »
    Isn't that what just happens in marriages sometimes? It's very very easy to get stuck in a routine, and I imagine even more so when there are kids to look after.

    I do agree, I did state I understand things can and are expected to become somewhat stagnant.
    Neddy wrote: »
    If as you say you "adore your wife and would never do anything to hurt her" then you talk to her about it and/or make a concsious effort to get some intimacy going again.

    We have had discussions about this before. with the outcome being "sex isn't important to me" which causes a problem as it is for me. Only since being married has her attitude changed to this
    Neddy wrote: »
    Always amazes me how in 99% of threads like this there is always "someone else" in the picture. Sort your marriage out, if it ends then you are free to pursue the "complication" but until then you shouldn't do anything except stay friends with her.
    I had problems well before this friend came on the scene, my friend simply showed me that I can be happy. I am trying to remove the complication until I know what is happening, as previously stated I am trying to remove said complication from the equation, however it does not seem to be that simple.

    Your friend is giving you the attention that you wish your wife was giving you. Ask yourself....if you were happy in your marriage would this new woman mean anywhere near as much to you as she does at the moment?
    Neddy wrote: »
    Be very very careful with your friend, if you start or even suggest something might happen between you and then "see the light" and remain with your wife/kids it will not be much fun for her if she has genuine feelings for you, and she will find it very very hard to still be your friend in the future. I'm sure you don't want that.

    My friend knows everything, We keep our distance and have both agreed that any topics relating to our relationship, friendship or otherwise is to remain unsaid until my situation is solved. they have explained they have no expectations of me and are backing me with which ever choices I pick, they even urged me to try and fix things and that she said she would want me to be sure of things before making any decisions
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Honestly...it's coming across that you've already decided you want the other woman instead of your wife.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm afraid I agree with Neddy, it does sound like you have made up your mind mostly.

    Do you think, that if you gave the kids to someone for a weekend, and you and the wife went for a weekend break, things may improve? It'll give you chance to see why you choose to be with each other, and give you some time together without having the responsibilities with your children.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The problem with being married with kids is that you forget that the reason your feelings have changed is because so has the way you treat each other. Instead of being you and her, you have become Mom and Dad, breadwinner and housewife. I'm betting there is little romance and little time these days where you find time to be alone just how it was a few years ago.

    That is the problem here, IMHO. The thoughts of an affair are just a symptom of that.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The problem with being married with kids is that you forget that the reason your feelings have changed is because so has the way you treat each other. Instead of being you and her, you have become Mom and Dad, breadwinner and housewife. I'm betting there is little romance and little time these days where you find time to be alone just how it was a few years ago.

    That is the problem here, IMHO. The thoughts of an affair are just a symptom of that.

    Neddy, Purplehaze, Thank you for your replies but I haven't given up yet, if I had I wouldn't be here but I think Slartibartfast has hit the nail on the head here except I am not contemplating an affair. I would never do that and would end things with the wife before I ever went to another women.

    I think I need to speak to the wife.
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