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breaking up.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hi guys.
not been on here in a while but always in my time of need i return! ha.
so i've been engaged since christmas day last year, and i've been with my partner for 5 years (celebrated our anniversary on the 4th dec). and on sunday i asked him for some space and i moved out.
basically, i love him a lot. he's awesome and my best friend. but i don't think i am in love with him anymore. i don't feel physically attracted to him and i feel suffocated and controlled.
he's got a very difficult personality; it's a running joke that he has bi-polar but the extreme lows and highs he goes through i always wondered whether it could be a possibility. he gets very moody and angry really quickly, and when he is like that he says awful things to me and about the people i love, and it's up to me not to react and just deal with what he says. he always apologises later but i honestly think i have got to to the point where i'm like 'why am i putting up with it?'.
he hates being in social situations whereas i am a very social person and love nothing more than going places and meeting new people. if i want to go somewhere then i kind of have to manipulate him into it. for example last weekend, it was my friend's boyfriend's birthday. my partner is friends with him and so we were invited to his birthday meal. matt immediately didn't want to go and said he wasn't going. but i really wanted to, so i had to engineer it so that i spoke to my friends' boyfriend to get him to text matt and make him want to come by making it sounds like a boys day. basically it was a lot of fucking trouble and he sat there with a face on because it wasn't exactly to his standards/taste and it was horrible.
if my friends ask me to do something then i feel anxious because i know i have got to run it past him and he will make me feel really guilty for not wanting to spend the time with him. all of my friends know this about me and know more often than not that i will cancel plans; thank god all of them still love me and give me more chances but why on earth should i have to get permission and why can't i see my friends when i want?? i know it's not on to be out every night of the week and never see your boyfriend but it's ridiculous. i go to choir on a monday night and he hates me going to that too because it's time away from him.
i honestly don't know what has made him like this, and as all my friends would probably say it's kind of my own fault because i have let him get away with it for 5 years so obviously he is going to keep doing it.
so anyway, these things have been building up in me for ages and ages, but i think i just thought it was normal and every relationship has problems etc etc. and so we started planning our wedding in vegas, and just carried on.
then this year i have started a PGCE at uni (training to be an english teacher) and i love it. ive loved making new friends, going into uni, being in a school, and it's kind of made me think hmm i'm only 24 why am i getting married, there's still so much i want to do and i just got really panicked and thought god if i get married i'm tied down for life. so then i started thinking okay it's just a marriage thing, so i said to him on friday that i'm really sorry but i didn't wanna get married and i'm not very happy. he'd been able to tell i'd not been happy all week as i'd felt really fake being around him and pretending everything was fine so i think i'd been a bit cold.
another thing which has triggered this off but it isn't the cause is that there is a boy at uni; nothing has happened but i fancy him. like an unneccessary amount. and i've never fancied anyone like this while being with matt. and we've chatted on facebook (literally about teacher crap) and honestly it's been like the highlight of my week. and i don't think i'm supposed to be feeling like that if i'm in love with someone else.
god sorry i'm rambling but there's a bit more.
so basically my parents both passed away in 2008; matt was there with me through it all, he was amazing and helped me and my brother loads. so now me and my brother own the house that my parents had, and matt lives with us. his parents have moved away to crete and his sister lives in essex. so now i've moved out (to a mates house) he's actually in my house and doesn't really have anywhere to go, one mate has a spare room but he is going out with my best mate so matt just doesn't want it to be awkward. and also matt is just the type of person to hate imposing on anyone, he always thinks no one wants him around, he's just really insecure. whereas i turn up and don't care haha. so now we've got this weird house situation going on, and he said he's going to look for somewhere to rent. and we share a car at the mo so we need to sort that.
arghhhh.
basically i need advice. have i done the right thing? i haven't cried or anything, is that normal??! i feel fucking sad but just kind of like the decision's been made even though we are just on a 'break'. and what if i've made the wrong decision and he moves out and goes somewhere else and i realise i miss him and i am in love with him? obviously that's incredibly selfish i can't have him waiting around but i feel like how am i gonna make any decision without the time to think about it? and also, i want him in my life afterwards, i'm gonna miss him. but is this realistic?
help me.
not been on here in a while but always in my time of need i return! ha.
so i've been engaged since christmas day last year, and i've been with my partner for 5 years (celebrated our anniversary on the 4th dec). and on sunday i asked him for some space and i moved out.
basically, i love him a lot. he's awesome and my best friend. but i don't think i am in love with him anymore. i don't feel physically attracted to him and i feel suffocated and controlled.
he's got a very difficult personality; it's a running joke that he has bi-polar but the extreme lows and highs he goes through i always wondered whether it could be a possibility. he gets very moody and angry really quickly, and when he is like that he says awful things to me and about the people i love, and it's up to me not to react and just deal with what he says. he always apologises later but i honestly think i have got to to the point where i'm like 'why am i putting up with it?'.
he hates being in social situations whereas i am a very social person and love nothing more than going places and meeting new people. if i want to go somewhere then i kind of have to manipulate him into it. for example last weekend, it was my friend's boyfriend's birthday. my partner is friends with him and so we were invited to his birthday meal. matt immediately didn't want to go and said he wasn't going. but i really wanted to, so i had to engineer it so that i spoke to my friends' boyfriend to get him to text matt and make him want to come by making it sounds like a boys day. basically it was a lot of fucking trouble and he sat there with a face on because it wasn't exactly to his standards/taste and it was horrible.
if my friends ask me to do something then i feel anxious because i know i have got to run it past him and he will make me feel really guilty for not wanting to spend the time with him. all of my friends know this about me and know more often than not that i will cancel plans; thank god all of them still love me and give me more chances but why on earth should i have to get permission and why can't i see my friends when i want?? i know it's not on to be out every night of the week and never see your boyfriend but it's ridiculous. i go to choir on a monday night and he hates me going to that too because it's time away from him.
i honestly don't know what has made him like this, and as all my friends would probably say it's kind of my own fault because i have let him get away with it for 5 years so obviously he is going to keep doing it.
so anyway, these things have been building up in me for ages and ages, but i think i just thought it was normal and every relationship has problems etc etc. and so we started planning our wedding in vegas, and just carried on.
then this year i have started a PGCE at uni (training to be an english teacher) and i love it. ive loved making new friends, going into uni, being in a school, and it's kind of made me think hmm i'm only 24 why am i getting married, there's still so much i want to do and i just got really panicked and thought god if i get married i'm tied down for life. so then i started thinking okay it's just a marriage thing, so i said to him on friday that i'm really sorry but i didn't wanna get married and i'm not very happy. he'd been able to tell i'd not been happy all week as i'd felt really fake being around him and pretending everything was fine so i think i'd been a bit cold.
another thing which has triggered this off but it isn't the cause is that there is a boy at uni; nothing has happened but i fancy him. like an unneccessary amount. and i've never fancied anyone like this while being with matt. and we've chatted on facebook (literally about teacher crap) and honestly it's been like the highlight of my week. and i don't think i'm supposed to be feeling like that if i'm in love with someone else.
god sorry i'm rambling but there's a bit more.
so basically my parents both passed away in 2008; matt was there with me through it all, he was amazing and helped me and my brother loads. so now me and my brother own the house that my parents had, and matt lives with us. his parents have moved away to crete and his sister lives in essex. so now i've moved out (to a mates house) he's actually in my house and doesn't really have anywhere to go, one mate has a spare room but he is going out with my best mate so matt just doesn't want it to be awkward. and also matt is just the type of person to hate imposing on anyone, he always thinks no one wants him around, he's just really insecure. whereas i turn up and don't care haha. so now we've got this weird house situation going on, and he said he's going to look for somewhere to rent. and we share a car at the mo so we need to sort that.
arghhhh.
basically i need advice. have i done the right thing? i haven't cried or anything, is that normal??! i feel fucking sad but just kind of like the decision's been made even though we are just on a 'break'. and what if i've made the wrong decision and he moves out and goes somewhere else and i realise i miss him and i am in love with him? obviously that's incredibly selfish i can't have him waiting around but i feel like how am i gonna make any decision without the time to think about it? and also, i want him in my life afterwards, i'm gonna miss him. but is this realistic?
help me.
0
Comments
Chin up, Stephypopsicle
Thinking of you, there certainly seems to be lots to consider, mull over and inevitably worry about. *hug*
Just wanted to reassure you about a couple of things here - firstly there isn't a 'normal' way to react when it comes to decisions about whether or not to stay in a relationship. You've clearly been thinking about this for a while and when something is a slow realisation rather than a sudden break, it's not odd to feel a little less outwardly emotional - everyone has their own way of coming to terms with these situations and it may be that you feel the need to cry at some point for reasons that are unexpected, but equally you might not cry at all and that's absolutely fine.
Also, when you've been with someone for a really long time, and as is the case for your experience, have been through significant events together, it's almost impossible to come to a clean decision - there will no doubt always be things you love about this man and memories that will stay with you for the long-term - but having these and missing him at first doesn't necessarily mean you've made the wrong decision. If you feel like you've given it your best shot and have compromised as much as you can - but you still feel that being with him would mean being 'tied down' rather than a relationship that inspires you with confidence and excitement for your future, then that's truly not the wrong decision.
Let yourself feel sad - this is part of the process and it's good to feel these things early on.
Do let us know how you're feeling as things progress if you feel able to.
:yes: all this
hope you're alright love