I'm a mess.

Former Member

Things are going from bad to worse I guess, to be cliché.

Im in counselling for my self-harm problems, and today I sat there, talking to her as if nothing were wrong, whilst I hid my hands where I was pinching really hard, and breaking the skin in a few places.
I've never s/h-ed in front of anybody before & I guess i'm kinda terrified of what i've done.

Also, my stepdad started having a go at me over my accomplishments not being good enough & belittling me in general, & I felt so crap.
I tried telling myself I didn't want to cut over him, and then my thoughts switched to wanting to stab him, and watch him bleed...

what is wrong with me?
I'm terrified of the monster im becoming.

Former Member

think i should also add...
a while ago I was told I may have compulsive eating disorder, and that scared me, so i tried eating properly. which was really hard, but i did okay for about a month.

Now im back to living off of biscuits, and chocolate & sweets.
But, i dont eat them constantly.
The thought and smell of food makes me feel really sick, and at the moment instead of dinner or lunch im having 2 biscuits, and a yoghurt for breakfast.

I know its not good but I don't know what to do

LauraO

Hi TryingtobeStrong,

It sounds like there is quite a lot going on for you right now and you're feeling confused about how you should feel and what you should do *hug*

Firstly, you mention that you harmed yourself whilst in a session with your counsellor recently. It's great to hear that you are seeing a counsellor and beginning to open up about your self harm. This is a big step in itself and remember that it is a gradual process so don't be too hard on yourself that you felt this way.

Why do you think that you were doing this whilst talking to your counsellor? Did you feel uncomfortable being there, or was it because of the things you were talking about? The fact that you have identified this as something that has scared you and you are confused about means that you might be ready to talk about it. You have spoken to us about it, but have you thought of telling your counsellor that you felt this way during the session?

You also mention that you think you may have a compulsive eating disorder. Is this something you have talked about with your counsellor too? Again, it really is very positive that you have been able to spot that this is an issue and you want to overcome it. You managed in the past to get into a good eating routine, so perhaps you could do this again but it sounds as though it can be difficult and it is easy to slip back into old habits and reach for the biscuits. Have you ever spoken to a doctor or a family member about this? You said you were 'told' you may have an eating disorder, so it would be good to know who gave you this advice. Remember that eating healthily and regularly helps with lots of other things such as stress and tiredness so it's definitely worth starting to talk about this.

On top of this it seems as though you are under pressure from your Step-Dad and it sounds as though the things he's saying are not encouraging or helpful for you, especially at this time :banghead:. It's understandable that you may feel anger towards him in some way, however it might be better to talk to him about his comments or find a different way to distract yourself rather than letting the frustration build up inside you. Have you seen these articles on TheSite before about coping tips and dealing with urges. There is also a great section about dealing with family.

It's great that you are talking about all this, keep updating us,
LauraO

Former Member

thanks.

my doctor said that i may have the disorder , but coz i managed to sort myself out it wasnt taken any further.

today was worse, i cut myself in the school loos with a dart from the common room

I'm getting ready to go out now though, even though i dont feel like it... i guess i need to get away from my family.

will update again later