Home Health & Wellbeing
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

The usual

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
:wave:

Haven't written in some time, so here goes. Same old - not expecting replies really, just helps to lay everything out from time to time, and I got a psych appt on weds and need to figure out what I'm going to say.

I'm finding everything so hard. Still. :crying:

I went home 2 weeks ago to try and decide whether I wanted to carry on at university, and it sucked being at home, so I decided that coming back here was my only option.

In terms of help / support, there isn't really anything new. I'm no further with therapy, despite going down the private route. Dr is looking into getting funding from the university, but still, that was like 3 weeks ago! If that fails, then my parents are gonna have to see if they can afford it... I have some doubts about that. If not, hello 2 year waiting list that I'm not even on yet :crying:

If I'm honest... uni is being pretty crap. I've sort of given up seeing my pastoral tutor because she doesn't really have the power to do anything (to just make random members of staff aware of the situation I had to go and speak to someone else). And I had a meeting with someone about any adjustments they could make for me, and it was pretty much zero. Saw occupational health which was again pretty pointless and they said they'd investigate the funding too, but it has been ages. [They said they'd find out before the deadline of me deciding whether to quit or not since it may affect it - but that's passed]. Meant to be having an appointment with the Disability Assist Service at the uni but timing is proving difficult and again, not really sure there is much they can do.

My physical health is pretty shoddy too and it really isn't helping. I was making a real effort to go out with friends, see people etc etc but I just feel too ill and worn down. And because it's my ears + nose everyone just thinks its lame which makes me feel even worse. For anyone who cares, essentially my eustachian tubes are fucked, meaning my ear drums are retracted (deafness + pain) and my nose is constantly blocked up making any sort of exercise quite difficult. My ear drums has perforated at least twice, I keep getting repeated ear infections so have been on antibiotics 3 times since September, and been on anti-histamines, steroid sprays, nose drops, painkillers etc etc. At one point I was on 8 pills a day :( But yet I went back to the GP last week and he was like there isn't much they can do... REFER ME GOD DAMN IT. I know GPs are under a lot of pressure atm blah blah blah, but I've had such a bad history of ENT problems, had 3 operations and my hearing is already crap, and this is making everything so much harder :(

I have 2 weeks left of uni, and I need to write an essay, but I just can't concentrate to read journals. Nothing makes sense to me, and even when I try to explain stuff its just like BRAIN BLOCK. The pharmacist asked me my address the other day and I just couldn't pick it out. It's so embarrassing. And at least once a day I get a sentence completely wrong so it doesn't make any sense. I guess it happens to other people too, but people are starting to pick up on it, just because it happens so often which makes me feel so bad. I'm scared to try and explain stuff now because the words just don't come out right. I used to be really confident and be able to stand up and give presentations with relative easy, and now it is just my worst nightmare.

I feel like I have really low self-esteem at the moment. Not being able to exercise due to feeling so run down has lead me to put on weight and I feel so blergh about it all. I know I often interpret things in a negative way, but I feel like nobody likes me or wants to spend anytime with me.

My boyfriend is still being awesome, but I don't want to rely on him. The thing is, when I'm with him I can just forget about everything else, and so when he goes away everything just comes flooding back like BAM and it is really hard to deal with. These last few weeks I just end up counting down the days until I next see him, and I don't want things to be like that. I want to enjoy other things in life, but it just isn't happening. I see him once a week which I think is nice, occasionally twice for example this week when he'll drive me to my appointment, and although it is so tempting (for us both) to spend more time together, I think we've got an OK balance at the moment. Especially as we talk quite a bit on Skype etc

I've not self-harmed for a while now, which is good I guess. Although tbh, sometimes it feels like it isn't. One service didn't want me because I didn't really fit their criteria. I hate that just because I'm managing not to self-harm, still being semi-successful and not just letting it all fall apart, people don't want to help me. Why should I be punished when I'm trying so hard? Every day is such a battle, and it would be so easy for me to just give up. I'm so desperate for some outside help. I've found it really hard to be told that it is unlikely that I'll get better by myself.... yet nobody else is helping me. My psychiatrist has said that if I get help now it is a perfect time as I can 'catch it early' but nobody is helping me. And that is really hard.

I wish I could just take the good days and stick with them. The days (or more like slight moments) where I think "I can do this". I'm so fed up with crying everyday. Walking along and seeing everything as an opportunity to hurt myself. I don't know what else to say really, I just want for somebody to tell me it's going to be OK, and for me to be able to believe them.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Yellowseahorse

    Sorry things haven't been going well for you this last few weeks.

    Bureaucracy and waiting lists at university can be really frustrating. I'm sure it feels like you might be getting nowhere with them, but hang in there. They might come good.

    The side effects of having problems with your Eustachian tubes sound painful to deal with alone without all the added stress of university etc. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

    It's great to hear that your boyfriend is still being supportive. That must give you a lot of strength and hope.

    I hope things get better at university. They have processes in place to support students going through difficult times and hopefully will come good.

    I do believe things will be ok for you. You've got solid support in your bf and a lot of insight into whats going on in your life. That can only be a good thing.

    Keep posting. It was good to have an update from you.

    Phil :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stuff is really shit :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry things are still tough for you. *hug*

    Is your boyfriend around tonight to talk to, even on the phone. Sometimes just hearing a friendly voice down the line can brighten up an evening.

    Hope things get better for you.

    Phil :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    still shit
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't stop being a horrible, horrible person. I'm disgusted with the way I behave, and I can't live with the guilt. I've self-harmed so much over the last 2 days :no:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So what. You've self harmed over the last couple of days. It doesn't make you a failure, and it doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. It's just a symptom of things being shit. Afraid I now work with my desk top up on a projector 90% of the day, so am hardly online anymore but still thinking of you.

    You're onto a good start, breaking things down and writing it down so you can start to get a handle on things.

    The being permanently physically ill thing really sucks, and wears you down much more than you'll ever give yourself credit for. It's really basic, and it's stuff you know, but it's worth a reminder. Plenty of fruit and veg, plenty of water and some exercise make a surprising difference. It won't fix it, but it will at least put that on a level playing field. Your ENT stuff sounds like it sucks - but some exercise should still be manageable. Even if it's just walking the long way home and walking briskly.

    Where are you working? And how are you trying to do your uni work? If you're letting it permanently hang over you, it's likely you'll feel over loaded. Bite size chunks again, and have really mini targets, then stop when you hit them rather than when you start struggling. That way you'll have some successful study - however mini those targets need to be in the first place.

    Compile a list of journal articles you need to read for the essay - chunk 1.
    Find them - bookmark them, or save them to a folder - chunk 2 (unless there are lots, in which case, chunk 2 & 3)

    You start to get the idea.

    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Scary. I'm just about to go to bed so will write a better reply tomorrow, but thank you :heart:
Sign In or Register to comment.