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genophobia..

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have a huge fear of sex: the idea of it, the possible outcome of it - just everything! My boyfriend has no idea about me having such a huge fear about it all; and believe it or not, the whole time we've been going out (3 years) we've never once had it cause I've used the excuse of I'm not ready.
How do I get over such a fear?
And I have no clue as to what to do when it comes to telling my boyfriend. I want to tell him, but I think if I did tell him he would freak out and not want to be with me - as that is the major problem of our relationship..
I know some of you are gonna be like 'why is she telling us on here to the world?', and my answer to that is, nobody knows who I am - hence why I come on here.
Much appreciated for any advice/info given.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In terms of minimising the chance of any unwanted concequences if you use both a condom and the pill the chances of pregnancy are almost insignificant. As for being afraid of the act itself, can only suggest building up the intensity of sexual encounters gradually so that when you go all the way it's not such a big step.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he is in a relationship with you for three years now, accepting the fact/excuse that you are not ready. Why would he freak out if you told him about the problem? If he is that understanding and patient I am sure he will be eager to support you in overcoming your fear.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    he is in a relationship with you for three years now, accepting the fact/excuse that you are not ready. Why would he freak out if he told him about the problem? If he is that understanding and patient I am sure he will be eager to support you in overcoming your fear.

    What Strubs said.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there broken'piece,

    First there is no one wondering why you are "telling us this" as this is what the discussion boards are all about! Always feel free to share on here anything troubling you.

    Second, it seems this fear has taken over your relationship, as you feel you cannot truly share this with him, and you have had to trouble yourself with excuses for 3 years. As Strubbles mentioned, it seems like your boyfriend must love you to be patient with you - and honesty can help here - as he could eventually doubt your excuses. Have a look at our article on communicating as a couple.

    You haven't quite said what triggers this fear for you? Has something happened that you could pinpoint? Is there someone close to you that you could speak to? If perhaps you are nervous and lacking confidence, have a look at our Sex and self-esteem article.

    Let us know how you get on *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yes, as christele said, most fears are usually associated with a stressor (what caused this fear of having sex) and for you to deal with that fear, you would have to get to the root cause of the problem, assess what has made you feel that way.

    And regarding your relationship, its refreshing to see a couple who havent had sex and that who's relationship isnt dependent of it.

    Thumbs up :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    christele wrote: »
    You haven't quite said what triggers this fear for you? Has something happened that you could pinpoint? Is there someone close to you that you could speak to?

    To be rather honest I don't know what has triggered this fear. I am very self-conscious of myself, so it could be something to do with that? I also have issues of getting too close to someone, as I have lost so many people in my life - I guess I'm scared of losing anybody else. (Might be a whole other situation I'm not sure)
    I have nobody to speak to about it.
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    I also have issues of getting too close to someone, as I have lost so many people in my life - I guess I'm scared of losing anybody else. (Might be a whole other situation I'm not sure)

    Hi, when you say lost people - do you mean people who have died or people who have left your life in another way?

    Also, being self-conscious could well have something to do with it and it sounds like one of the ways to address that issue will be to attempt to talk to your boyfriend about it. Are you able to identify things you like about yourself?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **helen** wrote: »
    Hi, when you say lost people - do you mean people who have died or people who have left your life in another way?

    I have lost people through death, we've parted ways, or they've walked out of my life cause other people got involved in my friendships / relationships.
    **helen** wrote: »
    Are you able to identify things you like about yourself?

    Yes, I am able to identify some things I like about myself.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You should really involve your boyfriend in this and let him help you, because if you keep him blocked out and in the dark it is a sure way to lose him, it might just take a bit longer.
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