Scared of sex

Former Member

Hello. New here, but needed a place to state a concern of mine.

A little about myself : My first 'real' girlfriend was in grade 12 when I was 17, by the end of high school we had had sex, we moved to University, lived together, finished Uni, got jobs, after 6 years we were married and built a house, and then 2 years later she cheats on me with a friend of mine. I leave her (it was the second time she'd done it) and we get divorced

I later find out that she used to talk to a guy she worked with at one point about how lousy i was in bed.

Anyway, about 2 years after she and i were divorced i end up in a very strange relationship with a girl, and part of the problem was that she seemed to place a great deal of importance in having sex with me. I was a bit spun out by the whole situation with her, and while i could be intimate with her VERY easily, when it came to actually doing the deed, it was near impossible for me, nervousness set in, i kept thinking about how completly different she was to my ex-wife (my only sex partner until that point), thoughts of her entered my mind and as you can imagine that is a bit of moodkill... performance anxiety mixed in a little with that..... basically it went VERY badly very quickly. She and i are not seeing eachother anymore, for i guess that and a few other reasons. (a WHOLE other story)

These two women are the only sexual experiences I've had, (---the only two women i've ever kissed---) but honestly, the idea of having sex with someone by now freaks the hell out of me. I don't know what to do about it. I think that if I got to know a woman really well first before anything sexual happens, and then we ease into it all, I'd probably be fine, but I get the impression that most women just want to jump in the sack as quickly as possible, almost a way to 'consimate' the relationship or something? i just want to take things slow, but that's not a very "manly" thing to want is it?

I read part of that book "he's just not that into you" a while ago, and there's a section in there that says "he's just not into you if he doesn't want to have sex" and they basically said ALL guys want sex straight away so if he doesn't he doesn't like you..... that got me quite upset, cause it's completly wrong.

I don't really know about it all anymore. I want sex to be a connection of two souls, a way of getting to know eachothers person better. I detest the thought of anything oral, giving or recieving. I want to look into my partners eyes. I guess I'd like to know there are other people out there who feel the same and are not just in it for a 'nice feeling'

thanks for letting me share....

**helen**

Hey,
Glad it's helped to share your thoughts.

From what you've said here, is it fair to say that the transition from one sexual partner to another has been really tough for you in the past - and because you maybe didn't know how to deal with it at the time and you maybe felt guilty about that, it's still affecting how you feel about sexual relationships now?

In addition, you heard that your ex-wife has criticized your sexual performance to others.

It's no surprise that these two factors combined have left you feeling anxious about sex with future partners.

Firstly, sex with any new partner can be daunting regardless of your previous experience. I think the part of the article that I've linked to that's most relevant to you is this bit:

What worked brilliantly with a previous sexual partner may not work now, but that's no reflection on your prowess as a lover. Different people respond to different things, and finding out what can be half of the fun. Nerves can get in the way too, and sometimes it takes a while before someone can get naked and relax. If either of you are feeling too stressed, just take the pressure off; you don't need to have sex there and then. Wait until you're both sure that you're ready.

If you've decided to go back to yours, and sex is on the cards, then a little preparation goes a long way. Make them feel special and comfortable. Tidy up a bit, have something good in the fridge for breakfast, and stock up on their favourite drink. Oh, and make sure you've got enough condoms, because running down to the late night garage with a hard-on or a hitched-up skirt is not a good look, and it kind of breaks up the mood.

If you're going back to their place, be a good guest. Don't make an automatic assumption that they want to have sex with you, and take your own condoms as well, just in case. You'll get extra points for turning up on time, looking and smelling good. Let them know you're having a good time and like their company.

And while it's no point sweating over what your first partner might have had a problem with, it's clear from the fact that she decided to talk to someone else about it rather than you, that the biggest issue was around communication. How could you ever possibly make it more enjoyable for her if she wasn't open and honest about it?

So this is a learning curve for the future - you can read as many books as you like about women's expectations around sex, but actually different women have different previous experiences of their own which will affect their emotional outlook on when it's the right time to have sex. It also can vary widely depending on the specific dynamic of a couple. You said you've read that women will think he's not that into them if you don't want sex, but in another book or another article you'll probably read something about women feeling like a man is just using them if the sex is too soon.

I guess the point is that neither is right or wrong, but the decision should be down to both of you and getting to know someone and doing it because you both feel it's the right time is really important.

Hope that helps a little and feel free to keep exploring your thoughts on this here.

Former Member

you should forget all that you just wrote and go for it and do sex. i first did it when i was 14 and i have had nearly11 boy friends so get over it!

Former Member

Or ignore her ^

I know what you mean about the nervousness bit and seeing you're ex's face when you're about to have sex...the most off putting ever!

I think its important to be open with your new partner, (don't tell her about seeing your ex before sex tho!) but do tell her about how you're feeling nervous. She should be understanding (its pretty common after breaking up with someone tbh). If you take it slow from there it should be easier to get to the stage of having sex with her without feeling so nervous.

I hope it goes well!