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Once a cheat always a cheat?

**helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it's a common occurrence in situations where one person cheats and then begs to be taken back. I think a lot of people will test the water in a relationship, and will ultimately see what they can get away with. If they think they can get away with cheating on their gf/bf and still keep the relationship, they'll do so. However, it's equally possible to fall for someone else when you're in a relationship and have a period of cheating before you pluck up the courage to end it. I don't think that situation necessarily condemns you to a life of cheating on your partners.

    As for boys being able to get new girlfriends faster, that's clearly bollocks. I've missed countless opportunities because I thought it would be inappropriate to swoop in straight after a girl has broken up with her boyfriend, only to find the next week, she's already seeing someone else. I think sexy people tend to get new partners faster.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think sexy people tend to get new partners faster.

    It's true. And let me tell you, that's a terrible burden to bear :o
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's true. And let me tell you, that's a terrible burden to bear :o

    Haha it must be so hard for you!

    I think that it's not always true that someone will cheat again. My dad cheated on my mother twice over a couple of years with the same woman. She took him back the first time, but after the second they divorced.
    Saying that however, since then he has been with that same woman (now my stepmother) for 11 years, is happily married to her and has never gone anywhere near another affair. So i think even though someone may have cheated in the past, it doesn't necessarily mean they will cheat again.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What a load of shit.
    One she needs to stop controlling her friends lives, and let them live them, make mistakes and learn from them and two she needs to stop generalising most people, i'm pretty sure near 99& of people have been unfaithful atleast once in their life, that counts as cheating, yet i'm pretty sure most people don't do it again. Specially not after it happens to you. Forgiveness is far better than, ending something beautiful, yes if it's a long affair, time to tell them to fuck off. But a sloppy kiss in a night club, after 20 drinks, and some shots. I think not.
    She sounds very narrow minded and set in her own ways.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As for boys being able to get new girlfriends faster, that's clearly bollocks. I've missed countless opportunities because I thought it would be inappropriate to swoop in straight after a girl has broken up with her boyfriend, only to find the next week, she's already seeing someone else. I think sexy people tend to get new partners faster.

    True, soon as a a good looking girl is out of a relationship the "male friends" descend like hyenas...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont think there are any definate rules for how you should deal with a single case of cheating. Personally I would not count a drunken kiss as cheating for example, you'll kiss anyone when you're drunk :flirt:. I think you also need to consider how your partner responds. If they were absolutely devastated by what they had done then I'd be more likely forgive them than if they did not see it as a big deal.

    Its when a person is with someone who has cheated more than once that I think what the hell are you still with this person for? However I can see why people do get worried about not finding anyone else and why they might be prepared to put up with all sorts of crap. I split up with my boyfriend more than 2 years ago (though for very different reasons) and I have still not met anyone that I would consider dating material. If the issue had been cheating, knowing what I know now I might have thought about putting up with it because of how unlikely I am to find another guy.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its very easy to fall into the trap of being totally dependent on the other part to boost your self-esteem so much so that you feel worthless without them.

    Her article seems to be very sexist, like women have never have or would cheat. I know she addresses that, but its so one sided. I've cheated on someone I did dearly love, purely and simply because communication broke down and someone who was willing to pay me attention and make me feel special was in the right time and the right place. I broke up with my then boyfriend, went through a lot of shit, and didn't get with the guy I slept with either. But I know that I would never do it again because of the hurt it caused me and the other parties involved.

    And if eyes are wondering so much that someone actually wants to go and get physical with someone, then there is something seriously wrong with the relationship.

    Yes, some people don't actually understand how much cheating hurts people and other people have miss-matching standards - my ex said that he would dump me if I kissed someone else, where as if he had done same I would have possibly given him a slap told him he was a silly chump, and not to do it again...

    Personally, its more the intent thats important. If theres no emotion involved, just a way to get their rocks off, then its not nice but its certainly not the same as falling in love with someone else and having an affair.

    People make mistakes, some people learn from them and make changes to their behavour, others don't. Its just a case of being able to spot which ones are which...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »

    Personally, its more the intent thats important. If theres no emotion involved, just a way to get their rocks off, then its not nice but its certainly not the same as falling in love with someone else and having an affair.

    Definitely interesting how different people see these things. IMO, if you are in a long term relationship, and supposedly committed to your partner in good times and bad, and risk it for a meaningless roll in the hay, it shows a pretty nasty lack of respect for your partner.

    If you genuinely develop feelings for someone else and act on them, that is a whole lot more understandable (although no more/less painful) in my eyes.

    As for whether a cheat is always a cheat, I don't think so. When someone cheats it means that the relationship they are in is wrong for them. I have a female friend who was rather promiscuous when i first met her, and almost certainly cheated on people numerous times, but she recently got married and I can't see her cheating on her new husband who she obviously absolutely adores.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Neddy wrote: »
    Definitely interesting how different people see these things. IMO, if you are in a long term relationship, and supposedly committed to your partner in good times and bad, and risk it for a meaningless roll in the hay, it shows a pretty nasty lack of respect for your partner.

    I agree, but most of us get drunk and make stupid mistakes. Sometimes respect doesn't come into it, but selfishness and not thinking about others feelings does. I certainly didn't think about the consequences when I did it, but i still had a lot of respect for my then partner.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Neddy wrote: »
    Definitely interesting how different people see these things. IMO, if you are in a long term relationship, and supposedly committed to your partner in good times and bad, and risk it for a meaningless roll in the hay, it shows a pretty nasty lack of respect for your partner.

    If you genuinely develop feelings for someone else and act on them, that is a whole lot more understandable (although no more/less painful) in my eyes.
    I have to agree with Miss Riot.
    id probably forgive a drunken encounter, but developing feelings for another girl. nooooo way. id be heartbroken and could never trust again, even if he never slept with her.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Surely throughout life you will always meet people you are attracted to/develop feelings for, whether you are in long term relationship or not? Obviously if you are committed to your partner you won't act on them.

    I'd be a lot more worried if I was with someone who was capable of going out, getting drunk and sleeping with someone, on a whim, at the first sign of trouble.

    So if my (fictional) gf said to me "I have had feelings for this person but nothing happenned" I'd be able to work through it. If they had shagged some randomer they met in a night club I think I'd then be very worried every time they were out....and surely, no trust, no relationship?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If one of my partners told me that they had feelings for someone else, they wouldn't have just told me on a whim. If you have feelings for someone else, and you aren't up for a open relationship, and their feelings for this other party are obviously pretty strong, I don't think it can be sorted. Thats called falling out of love with someone.

    Trust is a flexible feast, in that it can be made, adjusted, broken, and remade. You can't really do that with being in love with someone. Everyone has to prove that they are trust worthy, but everyone is also allowed to make one-off mistakes, and thus they then have to prove their trust once again.
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