Getting stuff straight

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
Yeah yet another post from me :P

I'm just going to write some stuff out so I have it straight in my head for when I finally go and see my GP when I get back to uni. But I'm writing it here so that I guess if any of you can relate to what I'm saying or have any tips to cope with how I'm feeling then that would be great.

My plan is to go back to the GP and ask for an evaluation of my medication and also hopefully a referral to someone else or put on the waiting list for therapy (that isn't counselling). I can feel it now, I know I'm gonna get told that stuff isn't bad enough. Or if I'm not told that, that will be the reason for no referral. But I'll try.

Truthfully, I feel that this period of me being ill has been the worst in my life so far. For the first time I've felt actually "crazy".

So it started off after Easter and gradually got worse until late June when I was like "shit it is happening again". And so for a few months I just felt so dark and that there was no point to anything. You know what... I could actually cope with feeling sad all the time. It is everything else that comes with it. Feeling like I have brain fog and just feeling like my brain has slowed down, sometimes not even bothering to talk because I just got words mixed up and it annoyed the hell out of me. I'd try and study but I couldn't concentrate and then I'd get upset, and then uggg. 6 months ago I think I would have confidently been able to say that self-harm was no longer a problem for me. But I've really struggled. Then for a week (2 weeks ago maybe?) I was in such a bad place, I really didn't think I'd make it to the end of the week, I had all of these plans in my head, and I won't go into details, but I had several options, and luckily certain things stopped me from certain options, but I still had a fall back, and if stuff has got literally ANY worse, I don't know what I would have done, how I would have coped. I needed a reason to be alive and I just didn't have one, because everything was just so shit, and so black, and thinking I'd have to spend another day just made me feel sick with dread. Usually I know that certain things make me feel better - like going for a walk. But I just didn't have the willpower to do these things, I'd given up actually trying to do anything because despite all this trying it has never come to it.

So yeah, somehow I managed to get through that bit. I had a really good friend who talked to me whilst I pretty much wailed (lol) on the other end of the phone. And yeah, so I used past tense for all of that. I'm now at sort of... well I don't know what it is. A second stage, which feels for me like an angry stage. I'm now having horrible mood swings, I can't sleep and the smallest things make me go crazy. Like someone will say something, and it will make me a little bit angry, and instead of being like "whatever" and the level going back to normal I just get angrier and angrier. And like my friend who has done so much for me, I've said such mean things to him. I feel so guilty but it just comes out, and I feel like I have so little self-control. I go from feeling like he is the best person in the world to hating him so much. And whereas before I struggled with having the energy sometimes to do stuff, now I feel sort of a lot more destructive. And I guess that I'm worried if I get to the suicidal stage again I'll actually have the energy to go through with something. I feel so tense and my mind is just working overtime thinking, thinking about all the reasons to hate myself, why other people should hate me. And again concentration is fricking hard with my mind pretty much going "RAWR RAWR RAWR". I guess part of the reason I'm being so mean to this friend is I'm just acting on impulse and when usually I guess I can reason and be like "well that's not a good idea" I just can't do that. So I don't really think stuff is better... its just a different feeling.

Looking back it has always been like this, I just haven't realised it up till now. If I think back to the 3(?) previous times I've felt like I've struggled with depression this other stage has followed. When I was 12 I remember screaming at my mum and telling her that I just wanted to be dead and that why wouldn't she help me. Then at around 14/15 I walked out of classrooms reguarly because everything just got too much, and then in 6th form there was a stage where my english teacher said I had changed and that I was aggressive.

I'm pretty sure that my medication is doing nothing at all. The dose went up and I got worse. I just want to learn how is best to manage how I feel, be it therapy or drugs, or something I can do myself. Just at the moment I have no idea..........

I've already lost quite a few friends. Up until today I hadn't seen any friends (and not really talked to any of them either) for over a month. Some are pissed off with me because I haven't been making an effort, because firstly when I felt really down I didn't want to talk to anyone because I had nothing to talk about. And now well.... some people are alright, but others just hate me :D

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi, I read everything.

    It sounds like it's a really tough period for you. Firstly, on the brain fog, I can certainly relate. I found it immensely difficult to concentrate a lot of the time through uni. The way I resolved this to the greatest extent was firstly by ensuring the magic sleep-diet-routine-exercise was adhered to as getting these four things right seem to just make everything else easier. It doesn't fix things overnight, but when they're not working it's very very hard to get everything else going fine. The second thing was some supplements and off-label drug use which may or may not have helped. I suspect placebo effect helped me there.

    Secondly, on your friend and your ourtbursts, I wouldn't worry too much. Obviously you don't want to upset your friends, but he seems to have stuck with you thick and thin and people understand that its hard for people to be perfect all the time with all the chaos going on in their lives and in their minds. He most likely just wants to be there for you. Perhaps when you feel this frustration and anger building up you could try to vent it in another way? Going for a run or punching a pillow or something?

    Finally, I just want to say I really hope things pick up for you soon, hopefully things go ok with the doctor! I think the big thing that made me smile was how you said you want to know how to deal with this... you want to get better. That attitude is what keeps us all going and gets us through the difficult periods. You need to hold onto that and remember that you are a strong person when it gets tough.
  • LauraOLauraO Posts: 535 Miniposter
    Hey Yellow,

    Firstly a big *hug*. I can see that you posted this a few days ago, how are you feeling now? Do you still feel angry, or are you feeling a bit more settled?

    I think ShyBoy hit the nail on the head with this:
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    I think the big thing that made me smile was how you said you want to know how to deal with this... you want to get better. That attitude is what keeps us all going and gets us through the difficult periods. You need to hold onto that and remember that you are a strong person when it gets tough.

    You sound like you know the pattern of your feelings, and as ShyBoy said you know you want to get better, which is really great. It's also great to hear that you have a plan to speak to the GP and ask for a referral. Have you had the chance to do this yet?

    It sounds like the situation with your friend is getting you down, but as ShyBoy said he has been there for you up until now, so probably understands that you don't mean to take things out on him. Have you tried explaining your feelings to him as you have done to us? Do you think if you talked through your feelings and the stages with him he'd be able to be more understanding and forgiving? it sounds like you've got a great mate there :thumb:

    Hope you're feeling a bit better, let us know how you're getting on,
    *hug* LauraO
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi,

    I've read through your post and i've experienced the same thing in the past. It reminded me of this: http://www.depression-guide.com/agitated-depression.htm
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey guys. Just wanted to say thanks loads for the replies. Don't have a computer atm but will reply properly soon! Thanks :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Here's an update.

    I'm back to the sad stage... so not really that angry. Things got really bad yesterday. Last week I went to Scotland with my boyfriend (we're back together, aka the friend mentioned in this thread. Came back yesterday, but things didn't really go smoothly. After feeling like I ruined his trip (crying several times a day, every day).

    So, on one of the many trains home I just felt such dread of everything to come. I couldn't face going back to my uni town. I ended up at a station for hours because I couldn't face going back, or going home, or anywhere really. I just sat and cried and my boyfriend refused to leave. I then sort of left the station, and told him to get on the next train. He did... but I had a change of heart and came to say goodbye but he had already gone.

    He called me, and I was still upset. I was back to not being able to stop crying, and he was scared I was going to do something. He then started crying on the phone and it was just awful :( I mean, fair enough me feeling like this, but i hate how upset I made him. It is so unfair for me to inflict this on someone else. Anyway, in the end, after seeing how upset I made him, I got on the next train, and then he got off and we met up again.

    Uggggggg. I don't know what to do now. I haven't completed any steps towards getting better. I'm so scared because I keep getting so close to ending everything. Meh.
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