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Cheating or helping an emo?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 and a half years. Im nearly 18. Were best friends and boyfriend and girlfriend. But the thing is, we live in different countrys. Hes in the UK and im in ireland, We met on call of duty and havent stopped talking since. We visit each other every holiday if we can.
But the thing is, when i first started talking to him i was suffering serious depression and would self harm and had recently come out of a childrens mental home.
He helped me through it and thanks to him im fine now, he makes me so happy, but he seems to be drawn to damaged people. People with problems. And i can understand what they are going through.
But recently he met this girl, shes really strange. Ive never met her or spoke to her but shes obsessed with me, always talks to him about me. But he tells me she is just like me and he goes out to see her to "help" her cuz she has no one to talk to.
He went home from my house the other day and he had been here for a month, the first thing he did when he got back was go and see her and hes always texting her.
Im really paranoid nd worried that she might have different ideas and want to spoil our relationship or if he really is just helping her.

I feel relly down nd when i mention it he says im being silly and that she needs some one to talk to so i just feel selfish for complaining.
I dont know what to do, :'(

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If he cares about you enough because he is your bf, then surely he could be considerate enough to know that its not necessarily what he gets up to that hurts you, but how it is perceived. You could be worried perhaps that if he is "helping out" this person, then are are any others that he isnt telling you about?

    The chance is that he is a really top guy, but he is still being very inconsiderate about your relationship. He knows that there is a distance between you, yet seems perfectly happy to fob you off with "Im just helping her out" which makes you feel guilty, instead of him looking at how his actions can be affecting his gf (you).
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not judging, or trying to be a dick but. You met on Call of Duty? Damn.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well i can easily say "no i dont want you seeing her" and he would listen. But i know that i fell in love with him because he helped me and im worried that will happen to the girl he is helping. I pretty much trust him 100%. I'm just worried the girl might suddenly be like "no i want him! Hes mine" And do something to cause arguments. He told her that im worried about her and she could play that to her advantage and stir things up if you get me?
    Ive spoke to a few people who know her behind my bfs back and she is known to do selfish things like that.
    Thats what im scared of. :(
    Hes helping his best friend at the moment too who has just moved from the UK to Australia and has left all his friends behind and is now suicidal and very very depressed.
    I love my boyfriend to bits.
    I just kinda dislike his hobby :crying:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, we met on world at war. Im a serious gamer. Its why were also best mates nd not just girlfriend and boyfriend, cuz we can have a good laugh
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shikari wrote: »
    I'm not judging, or trying to be a dick but. You met on Call of Duty? Damn.

    Says the respectable guy who slept with two separate girls in the same tent without either of them supposedly knowing?

    It doesn't matter how they met, they met and seemed to be getting on quite well. She has an issue and is asking for some advice about it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there PokerDott,

    It seems like what is worrying you is the fact that you ended up being with him and falling for him thanks to his "hobby" about being so kind and helpful to people. You raise a good point about how you feel about this, and it seems like perhaps this is the way to tell him why this has been bothering you:
    Well i can easily say "no i dont want you seeing her" and he would listen. But i know that i fell in love with him because he helped me and im worried that will happen to the girl he is helping. I pretty much trust him 100%

    Saying to him that what makes you worried is that she might fall for him like you did - rather than you might not trust him or his intentions - might help him understand that you are not actually being silly. These are genuine worries. Unfortunately, as you mention in your post, he does this a lot for many people, and it is hard to control how these people might feel about him.

    Perhaps it might be a good idea to be in some way involved with her as well? Make sure she understand that he may be her friend, but he is clearly yours.

    Good luck :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont want to make friends for the wrong reasons, but not only that, i get down very easy and at times struggle helping myself. I dont do so well when people unload onto me, its not that i dont want to help, i tend to get myself worked up and worried about them and have learnt that it can effect me.

    My boyfriend has no intentions of being any more than a friend to her and he has stated this to her by telling her that hes planning on proposing to me next year and moving in with me when i go to college. He has made it obvious that he is mine.
    affectionate.
    Im supper paranoid and its driving me nuts.
    And i have explained to him in the way i did to you. Weare very open with each other thank god but i think it kind of hurt him and i think he felt like i didnt trust him. And from all this im stuck wondering if its just a serious case of jealousy.
    :no:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why would your boyfriend tell her that his excessive cosiness with her is making you feel uncomfortable?

    He should man up and take ownership of the situation. You're his girlfriend, she's his friend, he should make sure first and foremost he's not upsetting you (as long as you are being reasonable, which I can tell you now, you 100% are being reasonable in feeling uncomfortable - its normal), and secondly he needs to make sure even if he is helping this other girl that he doesn't give her the impression that he might be interested. We all have common sense and understand that these 'close friendships' are exactly how we get close to the people we like.

    Not saying that's what he's doing or that he fancies her, but he may well being naive because he likes having her company and thinks laying down the law will make her not want to spend time with him anymore. Everyone likes to be flattered by attention.

    Ultimately it comes down to how you feel about the situation though. Are you happy feeling like this? Do you think it's likely to change? What needs to be done for it to change?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok. I had every right to be paranoid. It eventually got the better of me and i went on his facebook and saw the messages. Hes been flirting with her! Not light flirting, cheeky sex jokes and saying things like "i have to wait two weeks to be cheered up again" meaning two weeks till they see each other.
    But, there was nothing physical, i know that in my heart. I told him i saw it all and were trying to figure it out. I was really mad and in tears and shouting at him over skype and he burst into tears and had a huge HUGE breakdown. He could hardly speak. I didnt know what to do and ended up feeling as if i did wrong. But today at school i really thought about it and its not my fault. Im good to him, i gave him freedom and i had soooo much trust in him and he betrayed me. It could be counted as meaningless flirting but to me it really really hurt and i am heartbroken. Ive never cried so much in my life.
    I had so much trust in him and gave him so much freedom and i feel underappreciated and as if he took advanted of my niceness.
    :crying: :crying: :crying:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sometimes once you have lost the trust you can never really get it back.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Because of this so many old problems have come up and little problems hes had that he never told me about so they were never sorted and everythings a right mess. After everything were probably splitting up. I feel like shit and ive cried so ,uch i cant cry any more. No tears will come. :no: :crying:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug*

    Like you said this isn't your fault, and no matter how much he gets upset about it, you have to right to be upset as well. An emotional affair can be as hurtful as a physical one if not worse.

    Have you two been able to speak about this? Sometimes when emotions calm down its easier to have a proper chat about what happened and why he thinks he flirted with this girl - and whether you can move on from this or not. Good luck *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There comes a point in any relationship where people have to be together and if you're in different countries you can't be. He may have gone with this girl because she can give him what you cannot- physical company (hugs, kisses) as well as emotional company.

    You have every right to be hurt though.
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