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Just need a bit of advice...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
So My dad has been a heavy drinker all his life, and in December/january he was in hospital with Pancreatitis and was in hospital. It was the worst thing I'd ever seen, and i just hit rock bottom and became depressed again. When he came out he was told if he ever drunk again it will be life threatening. He managed without drink, until a few weeks ago when I found loads off empty beer cans in his room, and he was drinking my stuff. I just broke down, when I confronted him he promised he wouldn't do it again and I believed him. Till last week when he went on a date and came back drunk and sat in his room all night drinking. I just lost it and self harmed, I just don't this to make me relapse. Or him.
Everyone keeps telling me he's an alcoholic, and that he needs help. I just dont know how to confront with this and make sure he gets the help he needs. Every time I see him, I just see him lying in the hospital at Christmas. And I just wondered if anyone had any advice for me.

Thanks, Ally


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can only guess here, because ive never been in this situation...

    does your dad know you self-harm first of all??

    if so its worth telling him that your really struggling, because your worrying so much

    Just talk to him and tell him the truth. It wont be easy but make sure its known that its just because you love him, and you dont want to loose him.

    i hope he sorts himself out and you too x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ^^^^ I think this is really good advice :yes:

    It does sound like your dad is addicted to alcohol and needs some support. If you can please try talking to him, explain that you're not having a go at him just really want to talk calmly about what's going on. Ultimately it's your dad's decision to drink as hard as this is, he will have been made aware of all the risks at hospital but maybe he isn't fully aware of the impact on you.

    Let us know how you get along *hug*

    dp :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks >.<

    Yeah he knows I self harm. I have tried talking to him over the past few days, but he just ignores me, he wont have a conversation with me. He has made a doctors appointment, so hopefully he will ask for some help.

    Ally xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The advice you'll get from me could be very blunt, but it comes from first hand experience - so it could be worth not completely ignoring.

    By the sounds of it your dad is an alcoholic, even if he hasn't worked it out yet, it sounds like you have and probably the people who saw him in hospital had. Him being an alcoholic makes him an addict, just like any other kind of addict. Being a drug addict may have more social stigma attached to it than being an alcoholic does but its essentially the same thing in many ways.

    One thing that is characteristis of alcoholics (and any addicts) it that their little world revolves solely around them, and they are the only thing that matters. Well, them and their preferred poison, in your dads case that's the alcochol. Sadly, this means that quite frankly you really don't rate in his concerns in life compared to drink. Which as someones child or family member is almost impossible to get your head around, but step back and you'll hopefully see it's true. This means that the 'look at what you're doing to me/our family' line really doesn't work.

    To an addict, their whole world revolves around them and their addiction, and they're convinced they're right about everything. The only way your dad has any hope of making progress is for him to realise he's got a problem and for him to want to get help and maket the change. You can't drag him to that decision, you can't drag him to help, and you can't force him. It's got to come from him and that decision takes time. The only input you can possibly give him to get there is to show him what he's missing out on through his behaviour. So you carry on your life as best you can, almost ignoring what he's doing.

    He's got a doctors appointment, that's great, that's really great and a step in the right direction. The next hurdle is for him to be honest with his doctor (that ones a big ask, so don't hold your breath). See what comes of that. If he's vaguely honest with the doctor then he'll hopefully get directed towards the local drug and alcohol support services. As a heads up, if he doesn't play ball with them, they'll give up on him very quickly, they won't chase up.

    For you, have a hunt about and see what support you can find locally. Al-Anon are a great organisation, it's a support group aimed at the family members of alcoholics. You can go whether or not your dad has ever been anywhere near Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I'll tell you now, you'll be surprised, the other people at Al-Anon meetings are normal people, just like you or I. You'll be made very welcome, it's usually free, and you can very easily go just once. It's a great chance to realise you're not the only one dealing with a selfish toad (sorry, I mean alcoholic). You can also talk to your GP - if you and your dad have the same GP so much the better, but if not it doesn't matter. The GP won't be able to discuss any details of your fathers case with you, but what they can do is give you some advice on how best to deal with things, how to look after yourself, make sure you stay well, and what local support there is available. Make sure you always put yourself first (because your dad never will) and that you get the support you need.

    Good luck!

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks, that is really good advice.

    I think I have realised now not to let it bother me. Looking back I have realised he has never put me and my sister first, he was always to busy in the pub to take us out.

    I see a councillor regularly so I have someone to talk to, it's hard because most of my family live miles away. So I spend most of my time at my boyfriends.
    I think I will go to my GP and see if he can give me any advice on groups I can go to.

    Thanks again. Ally xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Talking to your GP sounds like a good idea - and it's good that you've got a counsellor too.

    Do you still live with your dad? If you do, it's much harder, but even then you need to do your best to try and lead an independant life in the house, pretty much regardless of what your dad is up to.

    You can find details of your nearest al-anon group here I highly recommend them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah I still live with my dad, it's like I live alone though 'cause he spends most of his time sitting in his room drinking.

    Thanks, I'll find my nearsest al-anon group and go along.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Treat it like you live alone - that way you can keep your life on the straight and narrow. If your dad turns up, sober, to join in, that's great. But if he's drinking, there's nothing wrong with ignoring him.

    If you want your own bottles of wine or whatever in the house I suggest your bedroom, or shoe cupboard.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah I usually keep whatever alcohol I have in my wardrobe, I don't usually drink anyway, I think seeing my dad the way he is scared me into not drinking.
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