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Can you 'be yourself' ?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey.

Quick question really. I've been doing a lot of reflection on my past relationships and what I could have done to do better. I am of the belief that the lion's share of the failure of those relationships wasn't me but my partners (lack of communication about issues and lack of ability to not cheat [either physically or emotionally] ;)). They weren't bad people I should stress, just went from a good relationship to going into a bad cycle which fucked everything up.

But ultimately this is my life and the buck must stop with me. I spoke to a relate counsellor about this current breakup (they're great btw, totally recommend them, you can speak to them online for free). One poignant point was when she asked if anything ever bothered me, I said yes, and she said did I bring it up, I said no. Basically when there's anything bad I don't really talk about it unless I think it's serious. I suppose I am scared of ruining things by bringing up bad discussions.

This has the wider problem of how I treat others and expect to be treated in a relationship. I'm that 'nice guy' in relationships and pretty much treat my OH like she's special. I don't wait on them hand and foot, but yea pretty much still making romantic gestures several years in, consoling them when they're upset even if they're unreasonable and always diffusing arguments instead of having it out. I expect to be treated with respect but when I'm not I don't throw my toys out of the pram I just take it. I suppose I feel like I'm being strong and taking some little pain for the good of the relationship.

I think this probably makes me a bit boring though. I actually asked my exes, first one said the only main problem was I had anxiety and she had worse anxiety (she was codependent too e.g. when she was around me, 100% of her energy was focused on pleasing me because thats how she controlled her own happiness), and obviously me having some anxiety about whether she was ok whether everything was ok just made that impossible. Second ex said mainly I was pretty good and the only tiny thing was sometimes I wouldn't make decisions, I'd say 'I don't mind' and she would have preferred sometimes me to just make a decision and be authoritative.

So, considering this, my question is whether the saying 'Just be yourself' is true? I am a sensitive guy, probably never going to be the alpha male type that so many girls dream of. That's not to say I never stick up for myself, I'm just horrifically reasonable about everything. My most recent ex said she could never understand how I was so in tune with both my feelings and her feelings and the exact right way to handle stuff. I never flew off the handle once even when I had every right to. I just took some space and told her I was angry and upset and hurt.

I wonder whether I will ever be truly happy if I continue to be like this though, as obviously the danger and excitement aspects might not be there and it's something that women seem to crave. I mean all my friends male and female say I'm a great catch and all that hyperbole but I'm wondering if I'm not playing the perfect guy, will it always end up in the gutter? That this notion of just being yourself is just to make people feel better about themselves but really it is like a game where you do need to play the correct role.

What do you think?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One word... Assertiveness

    Women want all of those things that you have meantioned but anyone will walk all over you if they realise you won't react back when they fuck up. People want to know where the boundaries are, within the relationship and your personal ones. If you don't inforce them, then they'll keep pushing until you say when.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It comes down to what you mean by being yourself. Compromise is part of a mature adult relationship but you're not being yourself if you are constantly putting someone else in front of you. If you never say "hang on a minute, you're being unreasonable, you should apologise to me" then you're putting yourself down, you're not looking after yourself. Always backing down is not compromising, it's being a doormat.

    For a relationship to work you can't just always demand your own way, compromise and negotiation are vitally important. But compromise and negotiation doesn't mean always caving in. This is probably why so many of your relationships fail for the same reason. It is human nature to push the boundaries, it is human nature to behave in a way that you can get away with. If you allow girlfriends to get away with unacceptable and unreasonable behaviour you set the precedent that it is acceptable and reasonable next time, hence why their behaviour gets worse and worse. Let someone get away with cheating- teach them that there's no consequence to fucking you about- and they'll fuck you about all the more.

    Everyone needs boundaries and they need to be enforced. My toddler needs to know that when I say don't do something I mean it and that there's a consequence for not listening to me. Adults aren't so very different.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shyboy, it seems a lot like you're beating yourself up over this. From reading your post then yeah maybe there were times when you could have been more assertive rather than trying to keep the peace but then your response of 'taking some space' and then telling her you were upset/hurt seems like the most mature way of dealing with it and if I were her then that is the kind of response I would appreciate. I dont know how you could have done better really? Some guys sulk.. boring. Some guys fly off the handle.. scary! You seem fine as you are :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yea I've never really had a situation whereby they've done something that's obviously annoyed me and I've said 'oh..ok'. The big examples were once I discovered my most recent ex was stalking me online kinda :p (she was reading everything I was posting on here) and I was annoyed about it but never brought it up.

    So what's more the problem is do I need to be more of a bad guy to retain the attraction e.g. treat it a bit like a game. You know the saying 'treat them mean to keep them keen'. Maybe I should be an asshole every now and again and make them feel like I'm annoyed at them and might leave them unless they do something nice for me. Mix things up. The few times I have got cross with my exes it's generally resulted in their crying and pleading and 'remembering' how special I am.

    edit: that sounded a bit blunt. I suppose what I meant was not always being very nice. Maybe instead of arranging to do nice things with her, saying that I want to do [xx] and if she doesn't like it, tough.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont think you need to change at all. It's a myth that girls like the bad guy. If a bloke is playing games (as has happened in the past) I just say bollocks to him and move on. I think I know what you mean.. putting yourself first isn't necessarily bad and it doesn't always equate to you being the bad guy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I always find P. Diddy has exemplary advice on these matters:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy i love the way you write things, i read all your posts in awe.

    Also can i point out the "Quick Question" you put on the second line, couldn't be further from the truth :P
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shikari wrote: »
    ShyBoy i love the way you write things, i read all your posts in awe.

    Also can i point out the "Quick Question" you put on the second line, couldn't be further from the truth :P

    I never understand how that happens... heh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If anything is causing you a problem in life, the solution is to identify it and then moderate or eliminate it. Easier said than done maybe, any form of self-overcoming can be difficult, but you don't need alpha status or even the pretence of it to simply not tolerate bullshit. Make a solemn pledge to youself to stop it, follow through in stopping it, then reap the rewards of being yourself without having to worry.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Usually my advice would be to not change yourself for anyone, but sometimes if you think there's a certain aspect of yourself that is hindering your happiness then maybe you should address it. However there is a fine line between bettering yourself and changing for someone (which can still be a good thing, again it all depends on the situation). As I've been here a fair few years now I get the impression that you over analyse your relationship breakdowns a bit too much. Relationships are about working as a team and fitting well together, which as mentioned requires compromise but also an ability to stand your ground. Personally I think that when you find the right person, alot of that will come naturally, however you will still need to work at it somewhat. At the end of the day, you're one half of the relationship and therefore you need to respect and defend yourself if you want to respect and defend the relationship and of course your other half in general. You're not working together if one person is dictating and the other is just going with the flow for a quiet life. Don't be afraid to rock the boat by raising an issue, if she's a decent mature girl she'll respect you a lot more than if you just let it go over your head. But at the same time don't worry about it too much while you're single - enjoy life in the meantime and cross that bridge when you come to it :)
    Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, it is stupid o'clock and I've re-written that several times and I'm still not sure if it sounds right, but I need to go to bed :P
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That does make sense ballerina, really does. Thankyou :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont think you need to change at all. It's a myth that girls like the bad guy. If a bloke is playing games (as has happened in the past) I just say bollocks to him and move on.

    Perhaps relationships with bad boys might seem appealing but only short term - and relationships with nice guys are usually long term, and eventually marriage material.

    It would also be short term if you try the "bad guy" style as that would not be yourself anyway! "Being yourself" is the secret of a possible long term relationship -
    as you cannot fake it for such a long time :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Another poster made a thread some years ago that struck home with me. It was in response to a lot of threads by nice guys complaining that nice guys always finish last - that they would do everything and treat the girl right, and she would dump them for some loser who just promised to pummel her uterus.

    The posters point was that being nice isn't enough, you have to be interesting, and exciting too. So when dating and maybe even in relationships its a healthy thing probably to stop 'being yourself' every now and again and do something different or unusual to mix things up and bring in that excitement. We can't all go impromptu skydiving every day, but if the routine was the same every week, there'd be nothing wrong with mixing it up and doing something out of character.

    I just need to mix that into what I do already and hopefully it will turn out ok.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Ballerina wrote: »
    Usually my advice would be to not change yourself for anyone, but sometimes if you think there's a certain aspect of yourself that is hindering your happiness then maybe you should address it. However there is a fine line between bettering yourself and changing for someone (which can still be a good thing, again it all depends on the situation). As I've been here a fair few years now I get the impression that you over analyse your relationship breakdowns a bit too much. Relationships are about working as a team and fitting well together, which as mentioned requires compromise but also an ability to stand your ground. Personally I think that when you find the right person, alot of that will come naturally, however you will still need to work at it somewhat. At the end of the day, you're one half of the relationship and therefore you need to respect and defend yourself if you want to respect and defend the relationship and of course your other half in general. You're not working together if one person is dictating and the other is just going with the flow for a quiet life. Don't be afraid to rock the boat by raising an issue, if she's a decent mature girl she'll respect you a lot more than if you just let it go over your head. But at the same time don't worry about it too much while you're single - enjoy life in the meantime and cross that bridge when you come to it :)
    Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, it is stupid o'clock and I've re-written that several times and I'm still not sure if it sounds right, but I need to go to bed :P

    Love this. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **helen** wrote: »
    Love this. :)

    Aaaw thank you helen! :D
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