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Moved back home, new job, lonliness alert

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Is anyone else out there in a similar situation? I have left Uni, couple of years in London in different jobs, now just moved back to hometown to pay off debts and get a better job.

But seem to have lost touch with everyone. Totally incapable of picking up the phone and re-connecting with people. I've got to the point where I'm so scared of rejection, I can't conduct relationships anymore. I've blocked my wall on Facebook so I'm not in an arena of social obligation.

What has happened?!! I feel I always am the one making the effort..and yet end up in this situation with only my parents there. I must be doing something wrong...

Would really appreciate a fresh perspective from people, help or advice from anyone. :(

I'm only 24 but feel like I'm past it.


  • JsTJsT Posts: 18,268 Skive's The Limit
    I'll be honest, I was exactly the same after University, people have gone to uni themselves, moved away etc etc, it can be tough to get back into the swing of it. I was relatively lucky in that I started a new job which kickstarted my whole social circle again, but without that it can definitely be lonely.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Things take time.


    Things take time, you can't expect to come back into your town and be the popular kid you were when you left. But you can with time. I know what it is like to move back to your hometown; and trust me it's going to be hard, but you need to make yourself social again.

    I would start with unblocking your wall on Facebook and maybe even posting on your status letting people know that you are back in town. As for your job you are getting or hoping to get, like the other poster said that will help a lot in starting you social group again.

    You need to get yourself out there, in your post you did not say if you have been inside a lot or if you have been outside trying to meet people. Loneliness is hard to coup with, because as humans we are social beings. So get yourself out there, walk around, maybe even go out to eat. Trust me those little interactions you make with people will help a lot, even if it's is just a "Hi"; it will make you feel better.

    I really hope things cheer up for you in the future and who knows maybe you will make all your friends back and get the job. Remember when you are going a looking for a job and you see somewhere that might hire you, don't think they won't hire you; because the absolute worst thing they can say is no.

    Best of luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all, thank you for writing - I really didn't imagine I would hear from people so quickly. Thank you JsT and Randoman, I hope others who might have some sound advice will post too, I'm so grateful. It's amazing to be heard.

    I hadn't made it clear in my inital post that I am already with a job, and very lucky to be so. It is my first job which is permenant, that's why I moved away from London to my hometown to take it up. I really thought my social life would improve but I'm not meeting people my own age, I am working with people 30 and above. I tried a dance class on Wednesday, but it didn't go well. I felt like I smelt of lonliness and people knew, it was awful.

    Randoman, it's true - I do happen to be a very impatient person in fact. I will really try hard to let things be. I've never been the popular kid. I've always found it hard making lasting friendships, instead find myself 'obliged' to spend time with people I don't want to spend time with. This is one of the reasons I ended up blocking my facebook wall, people were posting - mostly men - and I just wanted them to leave me alone. I used to be a teacher before my current job and often found myself hassled by young male pupils. I realise this must be coming across really badly, but seriously I was actually quite frightened some days.
    As a result I have made myself much more isolated, and brought this lonliness upon myself I suppose.

    Strangely enough, people contacting me who I don't want to be contacted by makes me feel so much more lonely. Or maybe I'm just a snob or a prude? I just don't know.

    I find it hard to set boundaries, so I suppose this is self-inflicted isolation. I'd really appreciate any help and advice people can give about how to set boundaries. I'm frightened of losing people and so often compromise myself and do things I'm uncomfortable with, just because i need social interaction. What a mess!!

    I have written too much, but hope someone has a moment to comment.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You say that some, if not all of this loneliness was inflected on yourself. That being said you need to realize that not all the times in life are you going to meet people that you like, or people that you want to be around. In fact meeting people and making those connections that last a life time is hard work, you need to be able to put in the ground work that is necessary to move on with a friendship.

    I know in my life I have only made 3 or 4 friends that I will have forever, and making those friends aren't easy. Sometimes we fight and sometimes there down right annoying and when I first met all of those friends I did not hang out with them and I kinda felt obligated to hang out with them, because at the time I just needed friends.

    Through time you will be able to make those truly amazing connections with people. I know what you mean by impatient because I find myself to be very impatient at times to. But that's when you need to step back and look at the hole situation, do you really want to rush a friendship and make friends that you may not even want to be friends with or do you want to take the time to develop those friendships that will last a life time?

    Also don't make age a deafening matter, there are some amazing people that you are going to meet that will be older then you and younger then you and really you don't want to be friends with people like that because you can't really hang out with them. But it is nice to have friends in the work place that you can talk to, and maybe they will have a son or daughter or maybe other friends that are younger that they can introduce you to. Don't be afraid to ask some of the older people you have met at work for advise on how to make friends and were you can go to meet knew friends, but until you make friends; be friends with those at your work place. Being friends with those at your work place will help when you are feeling lonely and you are desperate for attention, because it will take your mind of making knew friends while you are talking to them.

    As for that Dance class, that's ridiculousness people can not smell or even sense loneliness. But what they can see (And kinda what I see in you) is maybe you are shy, and you will really need to work on how shy you are in order to make new friends, because it is hard to put yourself out there if you are shy.

    Best of luck, again :D

    Ps. Don't be afraid to type more then you think you should, the more information the better it is for us to help you.

    I am going to leave some quotes that might mean something to you....

    ?Loneliness is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man.? Thomas Wolfe


    "A garden requires patient labor and attention. Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions. They thrive because someone expended effort on them. "
    Liberty Hyde Bailey
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thank you

    It's been nearly two weeks, and I'm not sure of the etiquette for replying to posts, but I wanted to at least write and thank people for their advice and support. Especially Randoman. I really appreciate the fresh perspective you gave me, and remarkable insight. On reflection, I think you hit the nail on the head, I'm incredibly shy. I hadn't compared myself to others in this way before, but it would explain alot.

    Since you wrote, my Grandma sadly passed away. She had Parkinsons' Disease. The last year or so it has been a great burden on the family, and one of the reasons I began to visit home and eventually decided to move back home, in order to be with family. Since such a big event occurred, I was forced to pick up the phone and get in touch with people who I hoped might still be friends or want to hear from me. It was amazing. 2 friends from London were so supportive, and it really helped our friendship - as you say, because I had to open up and the friendship has really grown. I feel I can count on these people now, or certainly for the moment, and don't feel half as lonely. Since they are London friends, where I used to live, it's like there's continuity. That feels really good, people who I've known for longer, I trust them much more and the 'garden is being planted slowly, with firm foundations' ;)

    Having faith that these friendships will last will be really really hard, but I will really try to be patient and calm about it and not worry too much. It's hard but I will try, and they will hopefully forgive me when I do annoying things too! I think good friendships happen slowly, as they say, 'loyalty takes years to earn'.

    One of these friends is about 35, having been married and divorced already, she's like a big sister. You're right, age is no barrier.

    I have also decided to have a little project started outside of work so that I'm more absorbed and don't feel so isolated. I used to really know loads about music and always had interesting records to hand, researching new bands. Since I went to Uni, I've become really distracted and lost touch. I've started getting into music again, posting Youtube clips on my fb wall, and it is already helping me to grow in confidence. Music is a good voice for shy people to express themselves!!

    Thank you once again for taking the time to write, please know that you've really helped me. And thank you to the Site.org too. I will definitely be here more often from now on. :yippe:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's great to hear the update, thanks for letting us know. So sorry to hear about your Grandma but I'm sure she'd be happy that you're doing well and taking those leaps into rebuilding your friendships. Big events like this can often help us to gain perspective and take stock of things a bit and it sounds like you're taking a whole host of really positive steps so good on you :thumb:
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