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Fear of myself?? (Gay)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello, ( I am really sorry for this being so long but I am scared)

I have just recently noticed I am gay, 100% gay. if you go through my forms (4) you will notice the difficulties i have had with coming out. I am still unsure as myself, as I act very straight and I don't act like gay guys you see. And this might all be the cause of the first relationship I was ever in with a guy, he told everyone...well convinced me to, and then he literally broke my heart..he was not gay when we met (neither was I) and we decided to experiment and we fell in love...then he found this chick and picked her over me, it literally killed me inside, so that might be the reason I am so afraid to be gay, also when I look at my family at reunions everyone is always happy with the oposit sex mates, and they look happy and act happy and every now and then you will hear things coming from them saying how gay is wrong and there happy no one in the family is gay...and when I told my mom what I was feeling she laughed at me and told me to stop trying to be funny...For the past year I have been covering this up by dating girls, and before I met this guy I even convinced myself that's what I want, I want girls...but now that me and him are done and over with i feel something missing, there is this girl that is in love with me, and I told her that I am in love with her to ( because I do like her a lot) so me and her were cuddling in her bed and laughing and telling jokes, the hole flirty thing..then things got real and we were making out and she reached down my pants and grabbed me and started playing with me, and then I went to do the same but the second my hand got there..idk its like I expected something more...the second that happend I backed up, and I told her that it was to soon and I am to young for this kinda stuff, and how bad I felt about my break up (she knows about me dating a guy but she has told me it was just a phase and I agreed but I know deep down inside that it is not a phase) and then we spent another couple minutes cuddling until i couldn't do it anymore, I had to let go and move back from her and just have space, because the feeling of cuddling with her kinda grossed me out, and inside it just did not feel right...not after i cuddled with the same sex..idk this is killing em inside because my brain makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and its treating me like I am a different person...like i am not normal, I want to be normal (no sexes) but Idk being gay seems normal to me it just seems right to me, I never knew when I was a kid that this would happen to me that I would be having so much trouble with my sexuality because it seemed like something that only happend in moves...I am also afffriad to be gay, because they get picked on so much and it just seems like they have a hard life, also i am going into grade 9 in a horrible city with gang fights and shit like that, people tell me that highschool there is not that bad but i am so afriad of being treated differently, I have worked hard this summer to erase the past....to make sure that people think I am straight and no one even has any doubt. And this is really bugging me..even when it came time for me and this kid I dated to break up, we were cuddling and he told me how much he loves me and he told me how much he cares about me, then he said that he feels the same way about someone else and I broke down and I a was crying and I always knew deep down inside that he would never be happy with me so i looked him in the eye and said "Pick her" as I cried i looked up again and said "Sometimes when you love something you have to let it go"..and Idk he tells me that he is over me completly and he feels nothing for me anymore and he even admitted to hurting me on purpose so I would go away and stop loving him, because he was not big enough to tell me that he does not want me..And I feel like that relationship ended so bad and it just killed me...it also dosent help that i am really depressive..anyway please tell me what you think about this, I am really dying here, its been a couple days since me and him were over and I just don't have the energy to do anything, and every time I get the urge to tell someone my brain kills it and says I am better off with no one knowing and me keep dating girls I feel nothing for so people won't hurt me, I have heard that 'it gets better" so many times but really that is not going to help me if I die in higshschool because some douche is not okay with his sexuality and beats me up for his problems, like i am not even that gay..I don't run around in a Toto and say HEY I AM GAY, I just keep it to myself because its no ones business...and every time someone brings it up I imedenlty denie it because when people talk about me being Gay it grosses me out .. well no but it makes me feel like they think they are better then me and they can help me, or they make fun of me because I am different...Please help??


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I recognise so much of me and my friends in you. Most of my gay friends (even the men) are 'straight-acting'. Sure, they camp it up in bars or to take the piss out of themselves, but they don't cover themselves in rainbow glitter and mince through the streets. In fact, I'm more likely than any of them to fit the gay man stereotype at any given time.

    I had assumed you were in the UK but this post makes it look as though you're in the US, is that right?

    It's ok not to tell people straight away, but equally that does mean you don't have any support in this relationship breakdown. Is there a close friend from school or someone you trust that you can confide in?

    I know 'it gets better' has become a bit of a cliché lately, but it really does. High school is a lousy place to be different. Having said that, things seem to have changed very rapidly lately. When I was 15 (ten years ago - eek) hardly anyone came out at school, but the university freshers I was working with a couple of years ago (who would now be 20 I guess) had almost universally come out before they left school and not had any difficulties. Often our internal world is more homophobic than the external.

    Now, I'm not saying that you should rush out and start being completely flaming and tell everyone, but maybe see what happens if you just talk to one person you trust to give you some support. I bet they won't think it's disgusting. I was downright disappointed sometimes by how little people actually minded me being gay after I'd worked it up to such a big deal.

    Relationships tend not to end well. That's not a gay thing, that's a people thing. But that's another thing that gets better as you get stronger and find someone you deserve. It sounds to me like this boy might be as scared as you are, but he shouldn't have hurt you.

    This is a bit of a stream of consciousness but I hope some of it makes sense. You're not a bad person for feeling any of this, and you're not alone.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thank you, so far you are the only one who has read all about what is going on in my life, and had something to say about all of it...you are truly a one of a kind person.
    Reading what you wrote men't a lot to me, its just I find it so hard to even be okay with myself because I have such a strong fear of being judged, and like Big Gay said in the last post I had, ever since I was little I was told that I will grow up and have children and a wife and live happily ever after and it is really hard to realize that...that's just not going to happen, because to be realistic and totally honest, yes i have seen the vagina and I am sorry women but i just don't find it much apeeling, its not like it grosses me out, I just don't really...idk It's just weird, I also have this fear that I am going to grow out of this, all my life I grew up with a penis, I never had a vagina so I am wondering if I am not the only one to think of this, I am just of the few that did something about it, rather then just going with the flow. Like I said this has all moved so fast and it is very scary for me, yes I do have a lot of close friends that know about me that I can talk to, but I have to be careful I can't just say "Hey I have sucked a guy off before and I loved it" because that would be weird and people are just not ready for it yet...not like when a straight guy says "I wanna BAng that chick" and all the others laugh...well you don't hear a guy yell out "I wanna BANG that dude" ..it is just not happening, and I think another reason I am so affriad of myself ius because ever since I was young my dad has made fun of gays, and its so annoying to me when he sees a gay and instantly says "FUDGEPACKER" I wanna hit him...I wanna just punch him in the face...and I know if I came out that my family on my dads side would abondon me, I would be alone I would not have my mom because she would just not be able to handle that, Fortanutly I built up the corage to tell my older sister (shes 18) about whats going on because when she was younger she came out and said "Hell yeah I like women and men" but the hole family made fun of her and she spent days up in her room crying because once again she did not fit in with the 'norm' now Kayla and Jess (23 and twin sisters) have told me that they would be okay if I was gay because I am not abby (the 18 year old) and they like to say that evrytime that matter is broght up..but Like I said I would not be able to tell them, and also another thing I notice is when I am cuddling with a girl..its just cuddling....when I am with a guy I feeel tingles up my spin, every move they make my breath gross shorter, and its just feels so natural..but like I said i have only been with one guy, and at one time (and still am) I was convinced he was my sole mate because how I feel about him :banghead: but unforgettably he does not feel the same anymore, even tho he said I was his sole mate at one time...and this also seems so quick it all hapened in 4 moths, I found out I was bi
    Dated a guy
    Sex with a guy
    dumped by guy
    feelings for other guys
    And its true when people tell me that they may be gay and they want to experiment the second I hear that its like a voice in my head SCREAMS "ILL DO IT PICK ME, Ill suck you off, ill do everything" and thats another thing that scares me because i am fucking 15 and I am doing all this crap...

    By the way I am in Canada :)
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    Hi :)

    Just to throw in my two penneth: You don't need to decide now. You don't need to rush it, either. If you don't feel ready to tell people, you don't have to - and even if you do want to tell people, you don't have to tell everyone in sight; you can tell your sisters, like you have done... But you don't have to scream it out for the world to hear if you're afraid. Like Piccolo said, is there anyone else you could talk this through with? It might help you to get your head in order and work out what you want to do. And remember, you don't *always* have to be in a relationship with anyone - female or male :)
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    oops it double posted...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Randoman :wave:,

    It seems like you're going through a lot of inner turmoil and conflict. Particularly you seem on the one hand to feel that being gay is completely natural and on the other hand feel that it isn't because it doesn't fit into a social 'norm' (as evidenced by your parents' views; your view of growing up, getting married, having kids etc.). These can be difficult realities to try and reconcile for anyone coming to terms with their sexuality.

    One thing I think it's really important to remember and hold on to is that being gay isn't abnormal, weird, freakish, it's perfectly natural. As you and others have already mentioned one buzz phrase of the moment ('it gets better') it's perhaps also worth remembering the other 'born this way'. It's perfectly natural and no less acceptable to be attracted to the same sex, and the vast majority believe it's a way that people are born and that, quite frankly, it would just be daft to judge someone for something over which they have no control.

    I think the other thing I would say is that it's perfectly possible for gay men and women to be happy and to live fulfilling lives. In fact in many parts of the world (and having just googled in Canada in particular) same sex couples can marry and adopt children. So you can have the marriage and the kids, being gay doesn't prevent that.

    All the other posters are right to suggest that you look for where you can get some support. It might be - as they suggest - through a trusted friend. You could also look to see if there are any organisations that can offer support to gay men and women - there are certainly are plenty in the UK that run helplines and online services to provide expert advice and a listening ear, and there are sure to be similar organisations in Canada.

    Finally, you might want to check out our article on coming out over on the main part of TheSite. It might give you some food for thought, but do take note of what everyone else has said - it's only something to do when you feel ready.

    Let us know how you're getting on,
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, Canada was the first country to get same-sex marriage, I remember it happening. V. exciting, you can have religious ceremonies and everything.

    I'm a bit of a gay equalities geek, sorry. Suffice to say, you're doing better than the UK.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've read it all, and I really feel for you.

    Around 20 years ago I told the on-line world that I was ashamed that I was Gay.
    Just putting it in words helped me, because it is absurd to be ashamed of it - it's like being ashamed of having ginger hair. I'm toe-curlingly embarrassed I wrote it, but glad - as a direct consequence I met the man who spent the rest of his life with me.

    At times I'm terrified by the power of the sex drive, but most people don't notice it - it's like walking a big dog - usually you and it want to go the same way so there's no problem, you only realise how little control you really have when it decides it's going the way it wants, and you find yourself being towed along.

    I would say don't make any life decisions just now - you're coming out of your first relationship, so you are going to be shaken up, give yourself time to get over him before you work out how you want to approach life.

    I'll try to write a little more when I have a bit more time.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thank you all so much for all your input.

    I am having a lot of trouble becoming okay with all the emotions I feel inside me and all the things that are going through my head. I hope that one day I become okay with all the things inside me and the things I feel.

    As Big Gay said on how he was ashamed of being gay, I agree with you to a point. I am ashamed of it because it is not the 'norm' as defined by society today. I am also scared that one day it will come out and spread that I am gay and I will be shunned in school and people will just not want to be around me.

    During the school year as I said, I did come out. Then man I was with at the time was okay with people knowing and talked me into it, so I agreed and we told our friend group. At the time I was popular and when people started finding out I made more and more female friends and the friends I already had stayed as if nothing as changed. Some of the teachers in the school had a great deal of respect for me, because I came out at such a young age and I put on a fake as if I was okay with it. But as I noticed I got a lot of people coming out to me, as if they needed someone they can trust and they just put me as that title because I came out.

    A lot of guys in the school came up to me and questioned me about how I can like men and if I ever sucked a guy off ect.

    I really still do not know, I am afraid that maybe if I came out my family would abandon me and would not be able to face me again, I am still afraid that they will. Anyway I thank you for all your input it is really helping me a lot.

    Thank you so much
    Randy. v:yippe:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was in the same boat a few years ago. I finally learned at 21 that you should have those people in your life that want you in theirs, don't worry about those that will abandon you or treat you differently. You were still gay some-time before you told them and they were your friend/family, it shows what kind of people they really are. For your short term happiness don't settle for 2nd best, there will always be others to who love you back.

    Explore life, but don't pick and choose what you do when it comes to your sexuality and relationships. You still have the same ups and downs as any other. Being gay doesn't follow a blueprint, so don't make your own.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just jumping in here...

    i spent 3 years hiding from myself, when i first realised i am gay. I was having a lot of troubles at the time, and i felt it would make me even more ostracised. i threw myself into fake relationships with guys, and got myself into even more problems.. after i finally overcame some of them, i started realising,that being gay isnt such a bad thing, and doesnt mean im not normal.

    it took time, but i guess it was like waking up one morning, and thinking "what have i been doing?" i started off by telling friends, then i came out to the whole school. i just felt gay and proud, and i wanted the world to know.

    but parents still scared me. i was forced to tell them as i was/am in a relationship and its on facebook... i walked into the room to see my parents looking at my fb, and had to blurt it out.
    There have been ups and downs, because it IS tough for parents. But its been a lot better than i expected.

    Just take your time until you feel ready, because, it is just a simple fact, it doesnt really change who you are, as a person. it just changes your dating life :)
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