How Do You Know When To Leave A Relationship?

Former Member

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over 10 months now. He is an amazing and lovely guy who wouldn't hurt a fly but we are so different in ways. We are both Indian but he is quite traditional (not completely but quite - comes from that sort of family) whereas I am more westernised. Whilst that shouldn't be too much of a problem, a major difference between us is that as a student I go out clubbing etc and get drunk a lot and he doesn't. He often worries about me when I do go out. For a number of reasons, his parents don't know about me. I understand why he can't tell them but at the same time it hurts because we are a big part of each others lives and he has been round to mine and met my parents many times this year. I kind of jumped into this relationship just before I left for university in October as I really liked this guy. But I guess we were not friends for long enough before we started going out and we didn't know each other very well. These differences (all of which I have not mentioned above) arose during the relationship and I think we both liked each other so much as people tht we were willing to ignore these underlying problems. Also, the long distance thing has been hard - I study at Warwick university and he studies in London. So I thought, in my third term this year (during which I only saw him for one day) a lot about all these things. Its been hard as I haven't had a chance to talk to him properly coz I was over there he was over here and since I've been back we've both been busy (I was working, he has been on holiday etc) so we still haven't had a chance to get all of our issues out there and say how we feel. I think our main problem is that we haven't been being honest with each other. He tends to avoid confronting these problems as he doesn't want to cause an argument whereas I'd rather know how he is feeling even if we do get angry/upset at each other. I guess it will all come out when we next talk. But yeah I do wish I had got to know him more before I jumped into this relationship as now I'm starting to feel that no matter how much I love him (and I do love him) we don't really have a future together because of our differences, the differences between what we want in life and who we are as people and so it would be better to end it now than carry on dragging it out. But I just don't know, I know if I stay with him we're gonna continue hurting each other (me through my uni, student lifestyle - going out etc, him through making me feel like I'm not good enough for him or his family). But if we end things I know I will be a mess for ages and regret my decision. Hes such a big part of my life and I can't imagine him not being there. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry if this is quite confusing - it has all come out in a bit of a stream of consciousness.

I am probably gonna talk to him tomorrow atleast so if anyone can give me some advice it would be great.

Anjeli

**helen**

Hey hey,
Well done for getting this all down, hopefully it helped in terms of you being clear on your feelings.

It sounds like you have a mature perspective on the issues and it's good that you're able to be really honest about how you feel - also great that you're aiming to chat with your boyfriend about it all - guessing that might have happened by now? Let us know how it went...

If you have yet to speak to him, then you could maybe think about taking along the lines of what you've written here to show him - you don't have to tell him you put it on an internet forum, you could just tell him down you wrote down you feelings to help it become clearer in your head.

As for the issues themselves, they say opposites attract, but only you can really know what really matters to you in terms of differences and while it might take guts for him to mention you to his family, it would probably help you to hear from him at what point he would think it be worth telling them about your relationship - I could be wrong, but it sounds like that could be the biggest issue of all those you've mentioned? And it sounds like some reassurance about this issue, or at least more from him on why it's so difficult to tell them could help both of you.

In terms of the difference in social life choices, there are lots of couples who have this and I guess it depends if you feel you want a boyfriend who shares that with you or with you're happy to have both shared and independent lives - this one is definitely down to personal preference I think.

Distance again, it can be exhausting both physically and emotionally, so it can be about weighing up the time you have together with that apart and that which you spend with other friends

Anyhow, lots to think about! Others may well have more to say based on their own personal experience.

Take care!

Former Member

Thanks for the advice I am gonna talk to him tomorrow so I guess we'll get everything out and see where it goes from there.

Anjeli

Former Member

Just to let people know, I ended our relationship. It was sad and hard for the both of us but we're still great friends and we both feel it was the best decision. Going to enjoy being single for a while .

Former Member

Very glad it all worked out the way you wanted it to, well done for being so brave and talking to him :yes: