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Bisexual or not?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,

I'm a 24 year old male, and have had doubts about my sexuality for the last 6 years, since i was 18. The question that i constantly ask myself is, 'am i straight... or am i bi-sexual'? I know that sexuality runs on a continuum (Kinsey Scale) and that its fluid over time, but i constantly (perhaps obsessively) seek the answer to this question as i believe that ones sexuality is such a massive part of their identity that its important to be aware and comfortable with it. Unfortunately in the last 6 years i have gone round in circles and nothing much has changed, the question still remains very much in doubt and unanswered.

I'll start by clarifying a few things. I've only ever been with women, only fantasize about women and could only ever imagine being in a relationship (sexually and emotionally) with a women, however i have doubts about my sexuality for a number of reasons... i will try and explain them as clearly as possible and hope it all makes sense... let me apologies now for this being a loooong thread, and hopefully you'll continue to read and try and give me some feedback...

The doubt first popped into my head at 18 when i was at a 'leaving school' party, i just suddenly remember a big question mark entering my life and i have been trying to answer it ever since. The moment that sticks in my head and the only explanation i have for the question at the time was that i was giving a friend of mine (male) a goodbye hug... this isn't out of the ordinary for me and my mates and had no sexual intent what so ever. It just seemed to open the doors to the question mark.

Since that day i have been very aware of the question mark and on a daily basis I've been trying to understand and answer it, but the more i try and address it, the more confused i get.

I know that i am not gay, i like girls too much and have never thought of guys in a sexual way like i do women. But i have a feeling/ uncertainty/inkling that i might be bi-sexual... here's why.

- I am very aware of attractive men. This combined with my anxiety about my sexuality has made me sometimes (depending on my mood) uncomfortable around attractive men. I'll notice an attractive man easily and am very of it... i think i find them attractive perhaps more so than a straight person would/should.
- I feel slightly bi-curious- when questioning my sexuality i sometimes try and imagine myself with another man to establish how it makes me feel. I don't feel sexually turned on but i don't feel 'repulsed' at all. I wonder whether i might actually like it more than perhaps i make out... am i just suppressing that side of me or am i actually not turned on by it at all?
- I am in touch with my 'sensitive' side. I've been brought up by a single mum, i am close to my mum and as a result i am fairly in-tune and sensitive. I am not sure what the relevance of this is exactly but it definitely leads to some of my confusion. Either what i think others think about me or sterotypes... i am not sure.
- Male attraction. I once had a emotional/physical attraction for a very close male friend of mine. He is a very good looking guy and a close friend. I felt somewhat attracted to him, both his looks and his personality. Because of this i got a bit anxious and unfortunately it might have affected our friendship slightly as we no longer get on so well. I never thought about him in a sexual way, just an attraction... perhaps i was just admiring? i don't know! I used to try and think about him sexually to determine whether or not it would work, but i couldn't and had to think about women to continue masturbating.
- I am anxious to initially commit to a relationship. I am slow to commit to a relationship as i am not 100% about my sexuality and feel that i need to be sure/clear with my partner. At the beginning of my previous relationship i was seconds away from saying to my girlfriend that i was bi-sexual... i didn't because it didn't feel right and the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. I had it all planned out and was going to talk to her about the way i was feeling. I am at the beginning stage of another relationship now and don't know what to do... do i carry on as normal or do i let her know that i question whether i am straight or not? It's a tricky decision and i hate to hide things from people.

i know this all sounds a little confusing but it is what's going on in my head, so i need to aire it all for you to see the whole picture. There is obviously more to it than what i can write on this space/time, but these are the important facts. I think i will just try and be as honest and open with my feelings as possible, not be fearful and anxious and just see what happens. i would be lying if i said i wasn't fearful of being bi-sexual but i don't want that fear to get in the way of me answer this question asap as i want my life back! 6 years of questioning such an important part of yourself isn't easy and has caused some unhappy times! I just can't seem to reach a conclusion as there is no sexual 'evidence' or feeling strong enough to satisfy my suspicions.

Thanks for reading this, i know that its only me that can address my question but its be useful to write this down and hopefully get some interesting thoughts back from you.

Thanks,

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to simplify something which is obviously causing you some distress but if you aren't sexually attracted to men as well as women then you aren't bisexual, at least by my understanding of the term.

    Maybe you are over thinking things a little bit? Being sensitive, slow to commit to relationships and able to recognise a good looking bloke when you see one doesn't make you bisexual. All of those things apply to me but I can safely say I don't want to have sex with a man.....
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We can't definitively tell you if you're bisexual or not but if you're exclusively attracted to women and not prepared to have a relationship with a man it doesn't sound like it to me. Or at least not to an extent that will make any difference to how you are living your life at the moment.

    Having said that, your previous attraction to a male friend sounds like it's confused you a great deal. Maybe this is something you could talk out with a relationships counsellor?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The impression I get from reading this is that you feel you ought to be bisexual, even if only a little bit. But there's nothing there to suggest it

    The fact you're not repulsed by the idea of sex with a man does not make you bisexual. There are a number of bi and gay men who do find the idea repulsive.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There may be a possibility you are attracted to men only in a romantic sense rather than a sexual one. Presumably if you were in a relationship with a woman you'd wish it to be sexual, but what about the idea of a non sexual relationship with a man?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's no need to sweat about recognising particular guys as being attractive. You find me a guy who tells you he's never identified a man as being attractive and I'll show you a Billy Bullshitter.

    Why does it concern you that you're not certain about your sexuality?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Go on a few dates and see? Find yourself.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i say: do what feels right and think about labels later. Heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual aren't the only categories either...
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