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Bisexual in a monogomous hetro relationship

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've just spent ages talking to someone from London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard about this... (and I posted about it before, but this is a slightly different perspective I suppose).

I'm bi, and my (male - I'm female), partner is aware of this. I sometimes just don't feel totally fulfilled, sexually, not because he can't perform, but because he doesn't have lady bits. Crude, but thats pretty mcuh what it comes down to. I like girls pretty much equally, but I want to have my future with him. He's not up for an open relationship, and he was worried about the idea of a threesome (but I have since found out you can get a cert from the sexual health clinic to say your clear, and this might change his mind somewhat). I don't want to get bitter about this, and I don't particularly want to put my relationship in jeopardy by having an affair or even a one night stand.

I guess I'm just wondering if other people who identify themselves as bisexual, and are or have been in long term monogomous hetro relationships have had this problem, and how they have gotten around it. I kinda feel like i'm being greedy and want to have my cake and eat it, but at the same time, it seems a reasonable thing to need to address...

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm a straight male but I've dated bi girls and this was never a problem - they found women attractive and occasionally brought in bi friends for fun, but that wasn't necessary for their satisfaction, they didn't *need* lady bits to be fufilled, hetero-normative intercourse was how they derived their basic sexual satisfaction.

    To be brutally honest - if you're in a monogomous relationship, whether its with a man or a woman, the individual you're with has to be able to satisfy you wholly otherwise the continuance of that relationship as a monogamous one is on very shaky grounds indeed. If you need both penis and poon for satisfaction, your boyfriend will have to more than just accept this, he will have to be comfortable and embrace such a set up - either that, or you should find someone who will.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not very bi (can be attracted to men on occasion but don't feel inclined to date them) but I've always found that if I start seriously wanting to have sex with other people when I'm in a relationship it's one of two things. Either I'm just really hormonal and it passes, or the relationship isn't right.

    My bi friends have mostly said the same thing.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    monogamy isnt for everyone. I suggest you talk to him and find out how he would feel about you having sex with other people, and possibly reconsidering whether hes actualy the rght person for you
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    monogamy isnt for everyone.

    That's true. I should say that the friends I was referring to are ones who are monogamous.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm bisexual and have been in a monogomous relationship since Oct 2009 (and was previously in one for 5 years). It's difficult at times, there was one night that I got really drunk and pulled a couple of girls but stopped short of sex. But ultimately I put my relationship first and try to put girls out of my mind. I have to admit sometimes when my bf goes down on me I shut my eyes and pretend he is one of my female friends.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Randomgirl wrote: »
    I have to admit sometimes when my bf goes down on me I shut my eyes and pretend he is one of my female friends.

    Hell, *I* do that and I'm not strictly bisexual. It's just so much better when you imagine it's a girl...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do put my relationship first, and I know that having an open relationship is totally out of the question (for him at least, I'd have to think about it but I think i might get used to the idea). Polyamoury/non-monogomy isn't an option.

    I'm just aware that there are certain things I can't do to him and he can't do to me because he's not female...and its not that I like women more, and I really want to be with him (someone I spoke to about it suggested maybe I didn't actually love him as much as I thought because I was finding this an issue, but no amount of love is going to stop the fact that I like girls as well). Also, I've never really been able to get my rocks off with "hetro-normative" sex. I spent most of my teens (16-19 at least) exploring the BDSM scene, and finding out what I like. Now I don't do any of that. The only thing I do still that I like is I get on his back and "ride him"...not a horse fetish, just a good position for me to get stimulation...but that still feels wrong because it feels like i'm using his body...

    I'm really worried if I do nothing and just push it down everytime it comes up I'm going to get really bitter, and take it out on him, or end up with further sexual issues (i'm currently attending a sexual dysfunction clinic - because I have had a lot of pain during sex, and haven't had a decent orgasm in 6 months+, feels ridiculous going there aged 21, when the room is filled with women in their 40's & 50's). But at the same time, I need to take his feelings into account if I want our relationship to get stronger rather than weaker.

    Argh its all messed up!

    I spoke to someone at
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your post cuts off, so you may have been about to say this, but do you think you might be comfortable having any sort of sex therapy with him to enable you to explain what you need from a sexual relationship in a safe space? Relate are the people that spring to mind for that sort of support.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    I do put my relationship first, and I know that having an open relationship is totally out of the question (for him at least, I'd have to think about it but I think i might get used to the idea). Polyamoury/non-monogomy isn't an option.

    I'm just aware that there are certain things I can't do to him and he can't do to me because he's not female...and its not that I like women more, and I really want to be with him (someone I spoke to about it suggested maybe I didn't actually love him as much as I thought because I was finding this an issue, but no amount of love is going to stop the fact that I like girls as well). Also, I've never really been able to get my rocks off with "hetro-normative" sex. I spent most of my teens (16-19 at least) exploring the BDSM scene, and finding out what I like. Now I don't do any of that. The only thing I do still that I like is I get on his back and "ride him"...not a horse fetish, just a good position for me to get stimulation...but that still feels wrong because it feels like i'm using his body...

    I'm really worried if I do nothing and just push it down everytime it comes up I'm going to get really bitter, and take it out on him, or end up with further sexual issues (i'm currently attending a sexual dysfunction clinic - because I have had a lot of pain during sex, and haven't had a decent orgasm in 6 months+, feels ridiculous going there aged 21, when the room is filled with women in their 40's & 50's). But at the same time, I need to take his feelings into account if I want our relationship to get stronger rather than weaker.

    Argh its all messed up!

    I spoke to someone at

    I had sex therapy last year (aged 26) and I have another friend the same age who's had it. So try not to worry about the age thing.

    The BDSM thing isn't really related to gender I don't think, it's more the individual. Have you talked to him about it? Maybe suggest you try some gentle whipping or something to see if he likes that.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    I
    I guess I'm just wondering if other people who identify themselves as bisexual, and are or have been in long term monogomous hetro relationships have had this problem, and how they have gotten around it. I kinda feel like i'm being greedy and want to have my cake and eat it, but at the same time, it seems a reasonable thing to need to address...

    Monogamy means not having sex with anyone other than your partner.

    So, no, you can't be monogamous and have a threesome.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not bisexual but I don't think it is all that different to a heterosexual or gay sexual relationship: if you're wanting to be monogamous then you need to be monogamous. I think the explanation that your boyfriend doesn't have "lady bits" is a bit of a cop-out, as much of a cop-out as a married man saying his wife "doesn't understand him". Whilst I understand that men and women give oral differently and that you can't eat his pussy if he doesn't have one, by and large sex is sex and what you enjoy is quite irrelevant to the gender of the person(s) you're having sex with.

    If you're not happy with your sex life you need to work out what it is that you don't like. Think about why you're focusing on having sex with women: what is it that excites you about it? I have a hunch that it's far more about the "new" than the gender; having sex with a new person is exciting and often an easier way of getting excitement than spicing up a sex life in an existing relationship.

    Fantasising about having sex with a woman is no different to a straight woman fantasising about having sex with another man. Turning the fantasy into reality is cheating. Think how you'd feel if your boyfriend wanted to shag another woman. The motivations are, in my opinion, pretty much the same. And you'll have to choose whether you want your boyfriend or whether you want the excitement of sleeping with a new person. If you decide that monogamy is not for you, you might not take your boyfriend with you.

    Talk about your fantasies with your boyfriend and get him to talk about his, and try and be as honest as you can be. If you want to be tied up and whipped and fucked up the arse, tell him; you never know, he might well want to be a dom but doesn't know how to broach it with you. Same if you want to be a dom and you want him to be a sub. Think about what types of porn gets you really excited- what photos, what films, what stories, whether you're wanting to be the woman in the porn or wanting to have sex with the woman in the porn.

    And remember that he doesn't have to penetrate you to have good sex. If vaginal penetration is hurting you, and that's why you want to sleep with a woman, be honest with him and work out other ways of having sex not involving him putting his cock inside you. Good oral can be as brilliant as good penetration, people get too fixated on the penetration side of it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good oral can be as brilliant as good penetration, people get too fixated on the penetration side of it.

    Ohhh yes. totally agreed on this one!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So what do I do if I have talked to him, and he isn't into any of the sexual stuff I'm into (an I mean any of it - from having rough sex, to roleplaying to the BDSM stuff, absolutely none of it), and I still love him...Do I just deal with it and carry on?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you kinda have to ask yourself if you can either enthuse him to your fondnesses, if you can live without them, or if they are very important to you and he will never agree with you.

    a) good
    b) ok
    c) bad
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    So what do I do if I have talked to him, and he isn't into any of the sexual stuff I'm into

    You need to decide how important sex is to you.

    If the sex you have sufficiently inadequate then you have no choice but to end the relationship as it stands. As the first resort I'd suggest you renegotiate the monogamy.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    So what do I do if I have talked to him, and he isn't into any of the sexual stuff I'm into (an I mean any of it - from having rough sex, to roleplaying to the BDSM stuff, absolutely none of it), and I still love him...Do I just deal with it and carry on?

    Well you're going to have to choose, depending on how important sex is to you and- more importantly- how important the kinky sex is to you.

    As Big Gay says, if things are that different between you try and negotiate on the monogamy, but it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't want an open relationship. Other than that I'd say that a relationship without sex- no matter how strong- is merely a friendship.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your sexual tastes, are an important part of you, and if youre not compatible sexually then its not going to last the distance anyway imo
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your sexual tastes, are an important part of you, and if youre not compatible sexually then its not going to last the distance anyway imo

    Totally agree.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We're taking a break for a 10 days, whilst I'm staying with friends. Things have gotten really difficult between the both of us, I'm not happy at all at the moment, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm even still attracted to him... anyway, going to start a new thread on the topic rather than totally change the subject.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hang in there

    Monogamous for 15 years...2 kids and committed. The benefits are tremendous as long as you are honest about who and what you are with your partner of choice. I love my wife and would never cheat...and I respect her feelings on the subject of multiple partners. I am tempted like everyone else, but in the end it is about love and respect...sorry but if you want those things, you must give those things. Anything less is a lie, and those like us get forced into too many lies.

    I still have wants....but so does everyone regardless of orientation... monogamy is hard work.

    In the end it is about what you want in life (and I don't mean acceptance or stereotypical relationships). Do you want what this man can provide? Do you love him and does he love you? Are you willing to sacrifice a little? Is he?

    The most important thing is to be honest...with him, and yourself...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so many quesitons

    I am a bisexual female in a mostly monogamous relationship. I am struggling with the same deliema. I have acted on my urges, and shared doing so with my partner. He said in so many words that the idea of a threesome excites him but at a future time, but he seems very intimidated by the whole situation. He mostly wants me to keep it in my pants until he's ready for "the threesome"... but I'm afraid that my needs will not end once we've had a threesome. I feel deep within myself that I will always feel the strong connection to both men and women, and not having one eventually leads me to feel off balance. I wonder if its possible to be completely satisfied in a monogamous relationship... I've come to doubt that it is. But is it possible to be happy in an open or polyamorus relationship? Does more people equal more hurt in the end? Is there more at stake?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really can't help you to be honest. I think its an important thing to acknowledge even if you don't act upon it. For me it was also the need to for those feelings to be accepted by my partner, and they weren't - which was a part of why we broke up.

    Have you discussed it with him in these terms? How about introducing lesbian porn and watching together? I know its not the same but it might be a start.

    I couldn't hack an open or a polyamourus relationship, but I see that very differently to have an occasional playmate in the bedroom. That person is involved sexually but isn't part of the relationship, you're not involved with that person and if neither party sees that person outside of that situation, it could work out well but you would need everyone singing off the same hymn sheet as it was.

    Like I said its an important part of me that I needed to be acknowledged and not shoved under the carpet by my nearest and dearest like it was. I think theres is a balance that can be had but its also about having an openminded partner. Acceptance isn't the whole shebang (haha!) but it is at least a start...

    Hope you get on better than I did! It was very much for the best though!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am a bi-sexual female who has not came out as bi yet, my partner knows this, we are engaged. He doesn't mind that I am bi, I don't feel the need to act apon any desires that I have towards females. New years eve I spent with my partner and several friends drinking.. My female friend who is also bi, decided that she would give me a news year kiss (after we had kissed our partners of course) in front of our partners, we didn't see it as cheating & both our partners agreed, in all it was very exciting and we both enjoyed the thrill of the boys watching us.. At one point in the night my female friend pushed me onto the sofa & kissed me again! We did have a lot of drink in us.. That night wasn't the only night that it happened & we see it as a bit of fun that gets the boys excited :) xx
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