Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options

Building Bridges

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Haaaaiyaaaa :3 been a while!


So I come to you today asking advice/opinions/trolling about a slightly complex problem I have with my brother (that old chestnut)

It is best to start from the beginning, me and my brother have since we were about 10 had a seriously conflicted relationship going from physical aggression to general petty fighting to complete blanking - we didn't talk for 2 years straight between 2007-2009.


Now in the last year in about June I think our mum had gallstones which knocked her for six although maybe there was a bit of embellishment and when my brother went round to my mum and dads mum was crawling around in agony almost in tears with the pain, he came in, picked up the eggs and stepped over her as she crawled back to the sofa saying "My bird pretends shes ill sometimes too" and then slammed the door behind him.
About 2 hours later mum was taken to hospital in an ambulance and 3 days later had an operation that went wrong and ended up with Pancreatitis which she described as the worst pain she has ever experienced, she ended up with jaundice after her liver shut down and dropped to about 7 stone and because of the op going wrong - the surgeon injected dye into her pancreas - the Gallbladder was not taken out.

Mum was pretty weak and then about a month later her half operated on gallbladder went septic and she ended up with septicemia which almost killed her, she did not die but came within about 2 minutes of death, all her major organs shut down except her heart which quite obviously knocked her for twelve once again and she was pretty screwed.


Now that bit is over with we go down now 8 months down the line and my mum still gets bouts of pure exhaustion, tiredness, and can't eat anything fatty still but she is in good enough health so goodo banjo.


The crux of my problem is that my brother simply does not wish to admit that she had anything other than gallstones and whines to me on a bi weekly basis about how much he hates her, how much of a hypochondriac she is, how she should take care of his kids more often and the arguments over this are incredible.

One incident was me giving him the cold hard facts of what septicemia and Pancreatitis are and that he was deluding himself, he said she wished she was dead and I lost my temper completely (one of three times ever) ended with me smashing my own window with a hammer and taking more than a few swings at him with said hammer until he decided I was serious and went home.

Since then with his whining I have always staunchly refused to ever agree with him and always still correct him every time he denies she had the illnesses she had which leads to him shouting the odds 9/10 times, I am quite uncompromising in never agreeing with his delusions and am quite willing to take the abuse that comes with it.


I personally feel that he feels so guilty about not helping her that he has gone into denial about it and his first reaction is anger whenever his view of the world is shattered by the truth.

In general as far as talking goes we have never really talked about anything in life, we don't ever talk about our problems to one another and are pretty much chalk and cheese about life, the universe and everything, we are not close and as a person I do not particularly like him very much - BUT he is my brother so I have to try with him and stuff even when he does act like the worlds biggest arse.


So ehm, it would be nice to get anyone's suggestions on what the heck to do with a narcissistic, difficult, ignorant oaf of a person when you can't really talk to him because I am kinda out of ideas :impissed:

Comments

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your brothers behavior is in no way normal. He seems like a mentally ill sociopath and my family has shunned members for far less. I would avoid him and would recommend your mother to do the same, brother (or son) or whatever.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Your brothers behavior is in no way normal. He seems like a mentally ill sociopath and my family has shunned members for far less. I would avoid him and would recommend your mother to do the same, brother (or son) or whatever.

    :yes:
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It doesn't sound like you and your brother are actually going to get on well any time soon.

    Do you actually need to though? Or cna you keep things at civil when needed, drop round with birthday cards and small gifts for his kids, send Christmas cards etc and just leave it at that level.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the replies! I do kinda get that he is a bit of a sociopath and has problems with his noggin - just to point out he has a normal life pretty much - and while we have had our fights etc I can just never give up on him, although I am sure I will one day.

    The thing is we don't have a big family, there are 4 of us and even though we both moved out a long time ago we still have this odd, fucked up connection/relationship and he is literally the only person I know who I argue with, and I really do try to look at it impartially and he instigates every argument we have had in the last 8 years or something :rolleyes: (although that is only from my perspective)

    Although it is not a huge problem in my life and I know if he wasn't my brother I would have cut contact a long time ago I can't help but try to tolerate him.

    As far as being civil when needed and not really talking to him I have tried that and did it for about 4 years and even now make no effort to go and see him he never has quite got the hint - it always creeps back to where he comes round at least once a week. I do my best to regulate these visits surreptitiously and not see him more than twice a week because he turns into a broken record and I end up telling him to shut the $£%* up.

    Maybe I need to chain him up and have an intervention :yeees:
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The thing is, I can deal with rude or obnoxious behavior when there is contrition, apology or understanding, but your brother does not show any of those. He steps over your mother who is wincing in pain, tells her to stop faking it and slams the door on her. I know for you I am just repeating things from your OP, but for me it is complete disbelief that this is happening and I am still baffled by it.

    Wishes the death of her without any sign of compassion or understanding what he is actually doing (because later he obviously wants her to watch his children). He has absolutely some kind of psychological disorder in my opinion and I don't think he can be convinced of that so there can be helping steps made.

    I could not be in contact with such a person, be it parent, brother, former best friend, or former life saver.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Acting like that doesn't mean you have a mental illness. Some people are just dicks.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    Acting like that doesn't mean you have a mental illness. Some people are just dicks.

    True, but the amount of dickishness it takes to be like that, a mental illness is far more likely, in my unprofessional opinion.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    True, but the amount of dickishness it takes to be like that, a mental illness is far more likely, in my unprofessional opinion.

    What utter rubbish. You can be nasty and not be mentally ill. Your opinion is actually rather ignorant
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Correct. Think too many people try and blame unacceptable behaviour on illnesses they don't have....

    I can empathise with the OP. My mum was seriously ill last year and my older brother showed very little emotion or concern and did very little to help. So now despite the fact we live together I have as little to do with him as possible.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wonder how much of this is him being in denial about how ill she really is...

    Can anyone actually sit down with him and tell him how ill she is?
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    You can be nasty and not be mentally ill.

    Yes, you repeat yourself, I agreed to that. Why are you getting your panties in a twist like that?

    Again, just a guess, but if you would describe the OP's brother's behavior to a psychologist, I doubt he'd say, "Oh he is completely fine, just a bit of a dick." If you know people like that, then my condolences.
    Neddy wrote: »
    My mum was seriously ill last year and my older brother showed very little emotion or concern and did very little to help.

    Not showing much emotion or concern is in my opinion a good sign for not being able to cope, so trying to blank it out. I have been in that position. Would your brother step over your mother who is crawling on the floor in pain and accuse her of faking and wishing death upon her?

    You can't even remotely compare those two behaviors
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lets not all get to fightin' now girls! :crazyeyes

    As far as mental illness goes I am not any kind of expert about it but he has been quite a dick for about 20 years now and has smoked around 1/4 of an ounce of weed a day for about 10 years without a break aside from holidays when he could not get any, and no I am not kidding there... The reason I omitted this little possibly significant thing is because it has been such a long term thing is that in general without it he is more even of a wanker than he already is.


    I never really looked at the mental illness angle before and it is a possibility I think, I think there could be a middle ground between Strubbs and Melian and the first question that comes up in my mind is where is the line between being a massive dickhead and an actual mental disorder?

    Can anyone actually sit down with him and tell him how ill she is?

    I did once and that was the aforementioned part where we were stood on either side of the door to my house when I broke the window with a hammer. Even broaching the subject ends with him becoming extremely angry and saying outright that I am lying about it and how people get Septicemia all the time and do not die.


    As far as his attitude towards other people in general goes it was no big surprise that he did step over my mum and leave, he generally takes no stock in peoples motivations, only actions - there have been times I have been on the phone to him and he has asked me to come round, I have said no and he will just hang up on me... You got me thinking now!

    It helps to discuss all this stuff, so thank you guys! And try not to argue!! *hug*
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    What utter rubbish. You can be nasty and not be mentally ill. Your opinion is actually rather ignorant

    Actually, I think he's fairly spot on.

    Yes, it's possible to be a dick and not be mentally ill, but I think in the case of OP's brother, it goes well beyond dickishness and into sociopath territory.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kind of agree. In the case of my brother (who admittedly hasn't behaved anywhere near as badly as the OP's brother) it has been pointed out to him a few times that he might have a mental problem of some sort and should visit a doctor, but he ignored the advice every time and thinks everything is hunky dory when obviously it's not.

    I think that makes him a dick...
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    What utter rubbish. You can be nasty and not be mentally ill. Your opinion is actually rather ignorant

    I think it would be more ignorant to say that all mentally ill people act like dicks.
Sign In or Register to comment.