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partner can't meet me half way..

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i'm having a problem with my relationship and could do with some advice, am i being unreasonable? should i give her more time? is she being unreasonable? has our relationship hit a brick wall?

I've been with my partner exactly 4 1/2 years. We have lived together just over a year and have been engaged for 4 months.

I have a really high sex drive, i'd have it every day if i could, i can deal with 2 or 3 times a month and be quite happy.. in a stable relationship i think thats reasonable.

My partner is different, she's never been that excited by it but we did have a good sex life and had it quite regular when i lived at my parents, it was always a challenge doing it with parents in next room or downstairs but it was great. then a couple of months before we moved in together it started to slow down, it was more like once every 2 month she said it because she got close to my parents and felt uncomfortable doing it under their roof.. but she was active in telling me the things we would get up to in our own place, i was excited for it all to come.

we finally moved into our own place, naturally you would abuse this at first, but we didn't have sex in our own bed for well over a month. i hated it.

guys like me will know what i mean when u dont get it so long, things get rough, masturbating every day to porn, being attracted to every woman you see, thinking about sex all of the time, etc...

i spoke up, which i was extremely embarrassed about, i also thought it was shocking i needed to speak up in a stable relationship..i said i hated feeling like i do but i need it regular to keep a level head on things, i certainly dont want to want it every day but i can't help how i feel, right?

she promised to be more considerate and we had sex twice in 2 days ... but that was it...months went by and nothing again, then we would have sex once, then nothing again for months..

soo, i spoke up again.. i said it wasnt working. again, she promised to be more considerate.

i said to myself if i need to speak up again i would seriously re-think our relationship... but that point is here again. it's been months and i'm desperate. so i mentioned it tonight and got the cold shoulder, she went to bed early in a bad mood and now i'm sat up writing this.

the thing is, she seems to want it when we can't, if she's on her period, and just recently i had a sexual health problem so we couldn't do it for a few weeks.. she really wanted it then, we went out bought condoms and the day came we could do it again, i was on a promise.. we went to bed but she went to sleep, this was a week a go and i'm still waiting.. i've mentioned my promise a few times and she got angry saying i'm trying to wind her up.

she regularly gets me excited when we cant do it, so i get excited thinking it's all systems go when we can do it, but nothing ever comes of it.

she doesn't want for anything, i work really long days to give us money to do nice things, i know she loves me, we're engaged, living together,so why isn't she happy to have sex with me?

i always feel guilty asking because she suffers migraines quite bad, is regularly ill, has family issues and has a demanding job.. i've respected this throughout our entire relationship but how far can i go? i know she has it hard but she's not meeting me half way and respecting my needs.

i have also suffered premature ejaculation most of my sexual life, i'm very insecure about this and going without it for so long means i cum pretty much straight away.. i also need it regular to keep on top of that.

while i was thinking about ending it i remembered something jeremy kyle said (lol).. basically saying he hates the way some people in a relationship focus so much on sex and that there is so much more that should come first... which is true so am i being a dick for wanting to end the relationship over this? there is more to life than sex.

sorry about the essay but what would you do?

to make matters worse our break up would be an absolute nightmare, she moved 60 miles to be with me, she's not welcome back home i'm pretty sure it would turn her life upside down.. myself on the other hand would be fine, i have the means to live alone and i'm always welcome back at home.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ever thought about masturbating if you say you need sex to keep on top of things?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First thing: Jeremy Kyle is a douchenugget and should not be a guru on all things relationship.

    Second thing: I've been in a relationship like yours. I was basically like your girlfriend is, minus the hostility, but with a genuine reason for my lack of desire for sex. I'd spent two years in a lot of pain whenever we tried it and he was quite pushy in wanting me to do things that I wasn't comfortable with doing yet once the pain had subsided, and when we DID have sex, I wanted it RAWRSEXRAWR and he (by now) also had issues with premature ejaculation, but he tried to make it last longer by slowing down and the sex was just...not great. That's not to say the problem was just him, because I know I should have tried a bit harder to initiate and blahblahblah it takes two etc. HOWEVER. Our sex life issues were indicative of our relationship in general. I had a fair few problems with how I was being treated by his friends and he had problems with committing to moving in with me even though we'd been together four years and so on and so on, it was a bit of a mess. I loved him, absolutely and without question, and I still do. But it wasn't working.

    Love isn't always everything. If a part of your relationship is making you miserable, then it's making you miserable. The fact that it's sex makes that no less valid. Sex is an important part of relationships and if you aren't happy with it, you have every right to want things to be different.

    I think you might need to rethink your approach, though. How often do you try and initiate? If it's regularly and she's rebuffing you (which is what I did - like I said, indicative of other problems), then that's a whole other kettle of fish.

    It seems to me that your approach to talking about this may have been a little accusatory. Making her feel bad for not satisfying you isn't going to help - it's going to make her close up and feel guilty, which isn't exactly the perfect mood for wanting to get sexing. Do you make time for each other? You say she has a demanding job - do you get home before she does? Maybe one day surprise her by cooking her dinner and wining and dining her like you're back at the beginning of your relationship. It doesn't have to be full on slap-up posh meal, but maybe spag bol with a bottle of plonk. Make her feel special and wanted and appreciated - I'm sure there are plenty of things you love about her.

    Incidentally - the first time I managed to have sex with my ex without it hurting at all (for reference, and to explain why this was a Big Deal, the pain had been to do with lack of relaxation and can still be an issue when I'm with someone new) was on Valentine's Day, when we'd just been for a really nice meal and come back to curl up on the sofa watching a crappy girly movie. It was me who initiated it, and I did it in a position which I had been avoiding like the plague. Of course, I then had a panic attack because it didn't hurt at all and in my warped little brain that was scary, but up until that point it was basically perfect. Despite my weight issues back then, I felt beautiful and I felt sexy and I felt wanted and loved and appreciated. Don't underestimate the power of a little romance.

    /end of essay.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First thing: Jeremy Kyle is a douchenugget and should not be a guru on all things relationship.

    Oh i know :) it's just this one thing he said made me think.
    I think you might need to rethink your approach, though. How often do you try and initiate? If it's regularly and she's rebuffing you (which is what I did - like I said, indicative of other problems), then that's a whole other kettle of fish.

    Sometimes i wont bother her for months, i know she's usually tired through the week, i respect her hectic life and hope that she'll come on to me sometimes, the 3 times i've told her how i feel i always stress that i hold off as long as possible and that i respect that she doesn't want to do it as much as me. Other times, such as this week, where i was pretty much on a promise (we even went together to buy condoms) i got all hyped and she didn't deliver so i've mentioned it a few times, first in a joking way, and then tonight i pretty much said i wasn't happy about getting the cold shoulder, again, before 'the promise' she was all over me.. but we couldn't as she was on her period and i had sexual health problem, we purposely bought condoms on the day we could have sex again but like i said, i'm still waiting.
    It seems to me that your approach to talking about this may have been a little accusatory. Making her feel bad for not satisfying you isn't going to help - it's going to make her close up and feel guilty, which isn't exactly the perfect mood for wanting to get sexing. Do you make time for each other? You say she has a demanding job - do you get home before she does? Maybe one day surprise her by cooking her dinner and wining and dining her like you're back at the beginning of your relationship. It doesn't have to be full on slap-up posh meal, but maybe spag bol with a bottle of plonk. Make her feel special and wanted and appreciated - I'm sure there are plenty of things you love about her.

    This does make sense and now i'm looking at it differently about how it comes across, i don't really have a go though, i make jokes about virginity growing back or jokes about being horny and we laugh, it's always light hearted banter but also dropping a hint.

    We do make time for each other but i have a full time job and also run my own business, she knows and accepts i work through the week usually till 9pm, i do this to provide a good life for the both of us, i am sat with her but working on laptop... we still chat and watch tv and go to bed together every night, i'm with her all weekend i don't work we go out and have fun. I get home from work before her i do all of the cooking and most of the cleaning.

    I've tried the wining and dining, i've tried early loved up nights, late nights, drunken nights... nothing!

    I do love her and didn't want to throw it away but after openly embarrassing myself by opening up about how i feel 3 times... i'm sat thinking is it ever going to change?

    Again, i don't want to feel like this... i naturally have a high sex drive, there is nothing i can do about it, i'm not addicted to sex, i'd just like it regular. I may hate wanting it so much but i hate being horny 24/7 so much more, being attracted to everyone and probably looking like a perv checking out every woman i see.. getting off at porn more than my girlfriend at the age of 25, not good.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The most important thing is to make her feel special. Even jokes about it can be detrimental if she's already feeling guilty. The more I was pushed for it, the less I wanted to do it, but yet at the same time the more I wanted to want to. It's a vicious cycle.

    Could you not take a night off from your business? Sitting on a laptop isn't the same as being snuggled up with a glass of wine, you know? Make her feel like she's important and wanted and beautiful. If she doesn't feel good about herself, she won't feel good about sex. It can be really hard, I know, and I don't envy you one bit, but keep at it.

    Alternatively - have you tried watching porn together?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    c4dynamite wrote: »
    i am sat with her but working on laptop... we still chat and watch tv and go to bed together every night,

    being attracted to everyone and probably looking like a perv checking out every woman i see.. getting off at porn more than my girlfriend at the age of 25, not good.

    Maybe the problem is that when you are sat with her and working, you might well be providing for her, but she is sat there next to you being neglected.

    As for the roving eye issue, are you sure she might not be picking up on this potentially and getting pissed off over it?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The most important thing is to make her feel special. Even jokes about it can be detrimental if she's already feeling guilty. The more I was pushed for it, the less I wanted to do it, but yet at the same time the more I wanted to want to. It's a vicious cycle.

    Could you not take a night off from your business? Sitting on a laptop isn't the same as being snuggled up with a glass of wine, you know? Make her feel like she's important and wanted and beautiful. If she doesn't feel good about herself, she won't feel good about sex. It can be really hard, I know, and I don't envy you one bit, but keep at it.

    Alternatively - have you tried watching porn together?

    I've tried taking the night off but it's a waste of time, after 5 minutes she's back on her iphone flicking through facebook or playing shit games... i still do make time for her, but yeah maybe i'm not making her feel special enough.

    A wine fuelled porn/sex session sounds perfect, but not the sort of thing she would go for.. funnily enough the times we do have sex she loves it, usually ends up saying 'wow' as she's collapsed on the bed.

    She doesn't seem interested in the physical side of the relationship.. a quick kiss before and after work/bed seems to keep her happy.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    G-Raffe wrote: »
    Maybe the problem is that when you are sat with her and working, you might well be providing for her, but she is sat there next to you being neglected.

    As for the roving eye issue, are you sure she might not be picking up on this potentially and getting pissed off over it?

    see my previous post regarding nights off... the work thing is also a 2 way street, she's desperate to quit her job, regularly talking about being the house wife, also if i didnt have 2 jobs we would be pretty skint, i want to make something of myself and be my own boss..so far it's going great and everything is on target, she can't want all that but complain when i try to achieve it.

    it's ok her wanting me to spend 500 on tvs, 400 on festival tickets, 400 on a new bed, plus holidays and save for a mortgage and wedding.. on top of that we have rent to pay, food to put on table and car to maintain..the way i see it, work hard now and reap the benefits later. i think she does understand that i really dont think that is the issue, if it is she doesn't let on that it is.. like i say she wants all of the above, you cant wait that and then complain for me trying to give her it.

    eye issue, i certainly dont do it infront of her.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh man, she sounds like me. But...the post-pain, fed up of the relationship I was in me, not the current me. I can tell that you're trying, and I really hope that she starts responding. I know it must be frustrating.

    I think tomorrow you should sit her down and tell her how this is making you feel - it's inevitable that it will not be doing good things for your own self-esteem and make it clear to her that you love her, but you feel that there's an important part of your relationship that's missing. Make a point of telling her that you don't want it every day, and that you appreciate that it will take time, but that you feel like she doesn't want you and it's getting you down. Make sure you make time for her at least once every couple of weeks. I'd say for you to suggest that one night every two weeks or so you go OUT. Maybe to the cinema or something, so that you aren't on your laptop and she can't be playing with her phone. Make a point of sticking to it. Put it on your calendar and don't let anything get in the way of it.

    The key to a good sex life in a long-term relationship like yours, imo, isn't the actual act of sex, it's about not getting stuck in the routine. It's about making sure that your partner knows that you find them as beautiful today as you did the first day you were together. The day I knew my relationship with my ex was over was when I told him that he didn't make me feel beautiful and his response was, "That's because we never go anywhere that warrants me saying it" (i.e. restaurants, nice places). The last guy I was seeing (who I also had sexual issues with) responded to, "I want to feel attractive and wanted", with "Then BE attractive". Aside from one week where I was lonely as hell, I have barely spoken to him since.

    Word of advice: don't be those guys. Even if she's a little apprehensive at first, I think she will appreciate the sentiment of you taking time out on a fairly regular basis on week nights to spend time with her. I know I would.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll have the conversation tomorrow and will see how things go, i'll suggest a no laptop-no phone night at least once a week, i can manage that. I'm wondering if a mature discussion will materialise after she went to bed tonight without a kiss or a word.

    Thanks for the advice anyway, it has been really helpful talking about it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    c4dynamite wrote: »
    I'll have the conversation tomorrow and will see how things go, i'll suggest a no laptop-no phone night at least once a week, i can manage that. I'm wondering if a mature discussion will materialise after she went to bed tonight without a kiss or a word.

    Thanks for the advice anyway, it has been really helpful talking about it.

    Hi, just wondered, how did it all go???? Meowmix
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