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It won't be this way forever.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Dear all,

I was recently told by someone I know that thesite.org might be interested in my, eh, story, so here I am, ready to type it all out. Partially for my benefit, I guess writing it all down could help, and also for your benefit. I want to show you life's not all bad... no matter how terrible things seem... and I'm fifteen.

So, last March, my Nan died and it messed up my sleeping patterns. I would go to sleep at 4am and wake up at 7am, and no matter how tired I was, I would do the same the next night. For a year I was put on different medications to help me sleep and nothing worked. I never spoke about my Nans sudden death and my family started falling apart. I was unable to cope with everything I was feeling and I felt alone, so I resorted to self-harming. Then, last November I was diagnosed with clinical depression and put on an anti-depressent called Mirtazapine at 30mg. I was put on a waiting list for CBT to help with my self-harming urges.

I'd had a period of not eating a thing and only drinking water, so I was only five stone and very underweight for my height and age, but as the weeks progressed my mood started lifting and I was eating more again. My mum was happy to see me happy, and I started having a stable relationship with my boyfriend again. Then, as March loomed, I worstened all over again, only this time it was much worse. I stopped eating again, and I lost all motivation for life. I stopped going to school and my mum got fined, and even then I still didn't go. Come April, I was so down I couldn't see the point in trying anymore. Nobody loved me, my family didn't care and my boyfriend and I had broken up because I never wanted to see him.

On May the 8th I attempted suicide. By May the 11th I was an inpatient in the nearest mental hospital. I've been there for two months now, and in that time I've felt myself getting better in some areas and worse in others. I'm on leave quite often to come home and stay with my Mum, I've had a few problems with my family but it's seemingly over for now. They doctors say I'm ready to come home on the 4th of july, about a week from now. I'm scared, but at the same time that's good. I have some therapies lined up for me to help with my self-harming and whatnot, and I'm not only on Mirtazapine but Quetiapine too. As my depression worstened, I apparently began to develop symptoms of psychosis too, so I'm now working with a team called Early Interventions, who are helping me through my first episode.

Things in life really are rubbish somtimes, and mental illness is more often or not a taboo subject. I don't want to shy away from it anymore. It led to me having a relapse because nobody wanted to hear about it. I have had a psychotic episode, and I suffer clinical depression, but it doesn't and won't always be this way. So, whether you suffer a mental illness or not, don't be afraid to talk about it. If you do, then I can promise you, no matter how dark things are, it will get better. It just takes time, whether that's weeks, months, years.

Don't give up hope. I promise it'll get better. Just remember, you might feel lonely, but you're not alone.

Thanks for reading my story, and I hope someday you can find the light in the darkness, whatever you're going through.

-Forblueskies x

P.s. if you suffer from depression, addiction or self-harm, check out a non-profit charity called To Write Love On Her Arms if you haven't already.
If you're in the UK and you feel suicidal, call Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. They've helped me only so, so many times.


  • LauraOLauraO Posts: 535 Incredible Poster
    Thanks for sharing this forblueskies, some really wise words there. Oh and welcome to TheSite.org, great to have you on board :)
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