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Confusing turn of mental events

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Before I start, this Is a long thread but please take the time to read as it is an issue that I feel I need serious help with, some of you may think this belongs in the sex section, however I believe there are much deeper/different issues at play rather than the subject matter I talk about directly. These feelings are genuinely upsetting and are affecting my self esteem.

To give you a good picture of my current situation I have a fantastic, loving, tender relationship with a fantastic girl that has been my friend for a number of years before the actual relationship started. Again, before I get into this I am not a retroactively jealous person, I do not harbour any ill feelings towards her for any of her past partners (of which she has had many more than I have experienced, both with women and men) in fact, I enjoy that I am with 'a woman of the world' so to speak and I cannot tell you how cool this girl is in all aspects of life and how much of the same person we are.

All good you may think.... and it is but there is one thing that hounds me, back when we were just friends she told me of a threesome she had, I didn't think anything of it at the time but since we've been together its played on my mind more and more and the issue ISN'T the usual macho jealousy you hear all the time but something completely different which is why I believe the issue at hand is something much deeper than the situation itself so here is exactly how I feel :-

The idea of a threesome does nothing for me, I haven't ever had one, and cant ever see myself wanting one. However I just cant stop the pervasive feeling that I am 'less of a person' for not having had this experience (3some), and feel 'uncool' and quite boring for not wanting one. I keep getting intrusive thoughts telling me I should have one to be able to 'say I have' despite myself knowing in my heart of hearts I don't ever, ever want one. These thoughts are quite distressing as its affecting my moods and its got to the point where its all I can think of. I cannot stress how this is not jealousy as I know how I feel and i do not begrudge my partner of this experience.

I have experienced these same feelings about drug use as it seemed everyone else was doing it and the feeling 'less of a person' came into play here too... as a result I ended up using a number of different drugs on a number of occasions and regretting it because in my heart of hearts I never even wanted to in the first place and hated myself for not being true to myself. There are also a number of things in the past that are along the same lines of being terrified of not fitting in.

I know this is all my problem and NOTHING to do with my wonderful girlfriend which is why I'm asking for help.

These kind of thoughts are all I have ever thought about 24/7 throughout my life and are tearing me apart, like once I get something in my head it never leaves for days.

I've done so many great things in my life but I've felt like I cant enjoy them because i have always felt so utterly inferior. Everything I think and every opinion I have I feel doesn't matter and must be stupid.

How do I stop these invasive thoughts that spoil my enjoyment of every day life? It is driving me insane.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Poopstick :wave:

    We all have that internal monologue to some degree, the thoughts that only happen in our heads and quite often remain there unless we have someone that we can really confide in. It sounds like at the moment these negative thoughts are taking over and it's becoming quite overwhelming for you.

    Firstly, comparing yourself to others is never a good place to start, you are your own person and finding confidence in the things that you feel comfortable with and being able to accept the things you don't, no matter how 'uncool' you may feel, is really going to help.

    You mention that you have always felt inferior; low self-esteem can manifest itself in all sorts of ways and is often the root of the kind of feelings you describe - wanting to fit in, thinking anything you have to say is stupid or doesn't matter.

    The good news is that there are things you can do to help boost your self esteem, this article on building self-esteem might be a good starting point: http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/wellbeing/bodyimageandselfesteem/buildingselfesteem

    It may be that some counselling will help you to work out where this has all come from and enable you to learn how to cope with your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones - have you thought about talking to someone or have you been honest with your girlfriend about things?

    *hug*
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