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is this sexual abuse?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i keep thinking about something which happened when i was younger and its really messing with my head.

when i was 13, i met a guy on holiday (who was 21.) To cut a long story short he ended up fingering me which i didnt really know what he was doing, and was not pleasurable at all. then he took me 'for a walk' which ended up round the back of a building where he pushed me down and made me give him oral sex. i kept trying to stand back up but he just pushed me back to my nees until he came.

i know i didnt want to do it, but i didnt actually try to run away or anything. for a while once i got back from holiday i thought i was kind of cool for having done something with someone, and its only recently (years later) i have been thinking of it more and more.

maybe because now im coming up to the age the guy was when he got with me (im nearly 20 now.) i have a new boyfriend who is amazing but i just keep thinking about this all the time..i dont know if this is something i should just get over and accept as a mistake. im just confused and upset and i really dont know what to think.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That sounds like abuse to me.

    If it's causing you distress, there are charities like Victim Support or Rape Crisis that can offer specialist counselling to help you deal with it and move on. Sometimes it's not easy to just 'get over it'
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The simple question is "did you consent to it?". If you didn't want to do it then it was sexual assault. This is the same regardless of your age and regardless of his age.

    However that's only a tiny part of it. What's more important is how it's affecting you now, what you want to call it is a personal choice. It's understandable that you'll feel confused if part of you felt mature and grown up at the time; the man will have understood this and taken advantage of it. But it's OK to feel confused, that part of you felt mature at the time doesn't mean that it wasn't a sexual assault and doesn't mean that you can't feel sad and upset about it now. That you went with him doesn't mean that you consented to what happened.

    As piccolo says, there is likely to be a rape/sexual abuse counselling service in your area who can help you talk through the confusing feelings. It isn't always easy to just "move on" but talking about it, and admitting your confusion, and accepting that it's OK to be confused and upset, will go a long way to helping.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sexual abuse is any sort of non-consensual sexual contact. Sexual abuse can happen to men or women of any age. Sexual abuse by a partner/intimate can include derogatory name calling, refusal to use contraception, deliberately causing unwanted physical pain during sex, deliberately passing on sexual diseases or infections and using objects, toys, or other items (e.g. baby oil or lubricants) without consent and to cause pain or humiliation.
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