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Stuff and more stuff

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
There are a lot of things I want to talk about at the moment but I can't find the words. I feel like I am unravelling, although I am probably not. I feel like I am useless and failing at everything, although I am probably not. That's not really what i want to say here though.

I've been referred to the GP practice counsellor and I'm not sure what to say or do. I filled in one of those stupid questionnaires and obviously said something to indicate that I'm loopy (we had a lovely conversation about "my risk"- no, I'm not going to top myself). I've now been tasked with thinking about exactly what it is that I want to get out of counselling, given that it's likely I will only get a maximum of eight 45-minute sessions.

What I want from counselling is for someone to listen to me, understand exactly what's wrong with my brain and then wave a magic wand to make me happy and normal. As this is somewhat unrealistic, I'm stumped as to what else I can say. I want to be someone that I like and that's not going to happen in a few hours; it hasn't happened after 28 years and some pretty intensive therapy.

I mostly just wanted to get that off my chest, but I would appreciate thoughts.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What I want from counselling is for someone to listen to me, understand exactly what's wrong with my brain and then wave a magic wand to make me happy and normal. As this is somewhat unrealistic, I'm stumped as to what else I can say. I want to be someone that I like and that's not going to happen in a few hours; it hasn't happened after 28 years and some pretty intensive therapy.

    you are not abnormal. i will keep telling you that until you accept it. there is nothing wrong with your brain, it is brain-shaped and does brain things and it makes you the brilliant person that you are. i think you are going to get exactly what you want from counselling, you are going to get the chance to express some of those feelings that you hide deep inside yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I get what you mean. I feel similarly.

    Do you mind me asking, have you ever had treatments specifically designed towards your diagnosis?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think youre more sane than a lot of normal people, but i understand you struggle with your head.

    wishing you all the best and hope it helps, even if just a bit x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not sure if my treatment was specifically designed towards my diagnosis. I expect that it probably was- although I was never formally diagnosed, it was the consultant who made sure I found a place in therapy. I would imagine that it will have all followed. especially given the type of things we talked about in therapy and tried to come to terms with.

    That was quite a few years ago now. The problem I have now (odd to call it a problem, but you know what I mean) is that I am just about coping and I am just about holding everything together. I'm not working at anywhere near my usual ability, I'm making stupid mistakes and letting things slide, which I hate. But I am getting myself to work and I am largely doing stuff when I am there. I'm sad but I'm not usually hurting myself, or even crying. It's more just that I cannot get my internal monologue to shut up, it is constant. And it is constantly unpleasant.

    I've talked before that I struggle to understand how people view me, so I just assume that everyone sees me as I see me. It makes for a very lonely me because I very rarely dare open up to anyone. I don't think I am sane, but sometimes I can put on a bit of a pretence and sometimes I can't. I can usually pretend for a while if I need to, but I only manage to pretend by turning all my emotions off. Which makes me look cold and heartless as well as useless.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The problem I have now (odd to call it a problem, but you know what I mean) is that I am just about coping and I am just about holding everything together. I'm not working at anywhere near my usual ability, I'm making stupid mistakes and letting things slide, which I hate. But I am getting myself to work and I am largely doing stuff when I am there. I'm sad but I'm not usually hurting myself, or even crying. It's more just that I cannot get my internal monologue to shut up, it is constant. And it is constantly unpleasant.

    *hug*

    I don't have anything to say really, other than your not alone with that feeling. If you find something that works for you regarding this please share, I think it'd help others too.
    Good luck with the counselling.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So is possibly what you want to get from counselling some understanding of how you appear to other people? And how to deal with the internal monologue? Might be a bit of a big ask for 6 hours, but you never know.

    I don't know how you see yourself, but to me you've always come across as a logical, rational person, who's fair, damn good at their job (even when you're not performing at what you think is your best), a loving, down to earth father, and good fun to chat to. I realise I've never met you in real life, but that's the person that comes across to me. I'm going to guess that doesn't match what you think of yourself though.

    (Having just had a damn good lecture as to how I seem to other people vs. me in my eyes, I'm starting to see there's a significant difference)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's mostly to learn new ways of dealing with the internal monologue, really. I'm better at it than I used to be but I still end up being super-critical of everything I do. It leaves me a bit too frightened to try anything if I know I probably won't be 100% brilliant at it the first time I do it, anything else feels like a humiliating failure. At the same time I do want to stretch myself; when I'm feeling rational I know I'm not stupid and I know I'm holding myself back, which is really frustrating. And that makes me more angry. It's quite impressive how I can feel stupid and feel like I'm not achieving enough all in the same breath. It's really hard to reconcile the two, so I feel both and feel twice as angry and frustrated.

    Yeah, I also think it will be a big ask from six hours. I'd love to be referred for more, but being realistic I probably won't be. I'm not critical, I'm just about functioning (even if it's taking a lot out of me) and there are a lot of people much worse off than I am. I can't afford to pay private, so we'll just have to see what happens. The prozac (double dose now) is helping to an extent, but only in that prozac turns all my emotions off. So at least i don't have the sadness but, crucially, I don't have the happy feelings either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know the feeling. My GP tried to refer me to a crisis team but the CMHT won't see me for complicated reasons around turning down the offer of support from a Complex Needs Service which I won't go into here and that apparently extends to the crisis team.

    So I'm just required to stick my head round the door of the GP surgery once a month to show I'm still alive. If I didn't have support through the university I don't know what I'd do.

    That probably doesn't help you any. Solidarity, perhaps. Have you looked into support groups at Mind or similar?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I haven't done. Don't really know where to turn. I'm not right but I'm not not right enough to get much.

    Just made life insurance application and, ironically, I expect to be turned down because of my not-rightness.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Try Mind, the ones I've worked with have seemed pretty good.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tyneside Mind don't seem to do a great deal. Might ring them up or email them if I can find a bit of bravery.

    As I say, I'll see how the counselling sessions go. I'm prepared to give anything a go. I just don't know what to say to her as for what I want from it. I was asked to go away and think about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tyneside Mind don't seem to do a great deal. Might ring them up or email them if I can find a bit of bravery.

    As I say, I'll see how the counselling sessions go. I'm prepared to give anything a go. I just don't know what to say to her as for what I want from it. I was asked to go away and think about it.

    Yeah play it by ear for now. She might even know other charities or organisations who can help after the counselling's finished. Or she might want to refer you on further herself.

    Hope it goes well, everything is crossed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know what I want: a magic wand to make me better and normal. I don't believe anyone who says that they think I'm clever and funny and attractive, I just think they're humouring me and patronising me. I always think that if they see the "real me" they'll be disgusted, so I hide that as far away as possible. If someone's getting too close I deliberately try and push them away.

    *sigh*

    Nice to express some of it but there's a lot of stuff I never want to express.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When are you seeing her?

    And you know more than you think you do, it's written in your posts in this thread. It's really easy for an outsider to pick it up, much harder to do yourself.
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