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Relationship Dilemna

exposedexposed Posts: 31 Boards Initiate
Hi All,

I'm having a bit of a relationship dilemna at the moment. I'll explain the whole situation..

My girlfriend and me have been together now for almost 3 years. We've lived together for approx 2 and a bit of those years.

When we started we were very affectionate, we got on extremely well and had a healthy and regular sex life.

Our main differences was that I was doing the job of my dreams that I had always wanted since I was a kid and she was stuck in a call centre job she hated. After a few months of living together I suggested that she go part time in the call centre job (which by this point was making her life hell) and then take a part time course in something she actually wanted to do. I offered this because I was at the time on 3 times her wages - so I was in a position where I could afford to keep us.

She chose to do a course in animal care, spent one day a week working voluntarily in a local dog rescue centre and switched to 1.5 days a week in work.

I supported her completely thoughout this career diversion. She carried on with this for about 6 months before deciding that animal care wasnt for her. She took on a different call centre job and went full time again.

Again, this brought about the same problem - she started getting depressed again, being around her on a sunday was terrible because she would always be in the most rotten mood because she had to return back to work on the monday morning.

It got to a point then where in order to save her sanity I offered again for her to give up work and maybe go to uni or college or whatever. She decided to do an Art degree. Which I supported her though, helped her apply for, gave her all of my A-level work to pass off as her own in her portfolio. She was accepted and started the course last year. She now does that full time.

This however has not really improved things. My girlfriend is now constantly angry, she has a very big temper problem - for example I cannot take her food shopping anymore because she gets angry and says horrible things under her breath when people get in her way etc. The fact that I'm completely chilled and nothing affects me makes her worse, so when I say things like "calm down, take a breath" it only pisses her off further.

Our relationship has deteriorated to the point of disaster. We get on very well as friends, we can sit there all day and talk about common interests we have etc. But our romantic relationship is dead in the water. In the first year of our relationship - like I said earlier, we had an extremely healthy and regular sex life. In the last two years we have had sex 8 or 9 times.

She is consistently moody with me, she refuses to do anything around the house and always says she's "tired". At the moment shes sleeping about 12-13 hours a day and lounging about in her pyjamas all day.

I just feel like I'm the only one putting the effort in. I've tried everything to bring back some kind of spark - I've taken us on holidays, weekends away at hotels, meals out, meals in, walks etc and nothing happens. My girlfriend says shes tired and slopes off to sleep. One part of me is wondering why do I bother doing even the basic things when she just slopes around in her PJs all day.

You can call me selfish, but my opinion is that if things were the other way around and she was funding me doing a course to save me from my job hell I would literally worship the ground she walked on, I'd be thanking her every single day for what she had done for me and I'd do everything in my power to keep her.

Yes, I don't actually expect this - but what I'm looking for is a) our relationship to approach somewhere near what it used to be and b) to at least have some kind of appreciation for what I'm doing for her.

I've been feeling for the last couple of months like the relationship is perhaps coming to a natural end, and perhaps the cynical side of me is believing that she may only be holding on in order to finish her uni course etc while having a roof to live under (her parents live 50-60 miles away so simply moving back home wouldnt work for her because she'd have to probably drop out of uni).

What I'd like to know from you guys is your opinions? Am I expecting too much? Am I being too much of a pushover? Am I in the wrong? Has anything similar happened to you guys?

Any opinions and constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated from both sexes and if you need any more information just ask, I'll try and answer as best I can.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds as though she has depression? Is she willing to talk about what's wrong?
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    exposedexposed Posts: 31 Boards Initiate
    She says nothing is wrong and that she is just tired. Which she has said day in day out for about 2 years.

    My argument is that you surely cannot be tired for two years? If you are then surely theres something wrong health wise?

    She blames her low sex drive on the pill. Which she's been on for 3 years - since we started. I've asked her to come off them, she refuses because she doesn't want to go back to having proper/full periods etc again as she used to suffer with period pain quite heavily.

    So I don't know.

    In terms of depression, I have asked a few times - because I was on Citalopram for a year or two previously - am off it now and better. She doesn't believe she has it. Aside from suggesting, theres not a lot I can do. Like I can't accuse her of having depression etc.. haha
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I totally undertsand how you feel! me and my partner have been bought up totally differantly and now its starting to show! I want to do things like go away on hols.. he refuses to fly ... I take him away and hes just totally ungrateful! We have two little boys together so its more harder but im always tierd but make the effort were with him the world has to stop! x Dont be used and do what makes you happy!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like depression. You could contact your doctor and see if they will come around and have a talk with her face-2-face at home. I had to do this with my brother because it was obvious he had depression for years, but he wouldn't seek help or get advice, however he has just gone back into himself (this has spanned just over 6 years now though) after getting him help. The worst thing is you can't help someone unless they're willing to help themselves... even if in our case it took 5 years.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there exposed :wave:

    It seems that something is definitely going on with your girlfriend. Depression can manifest in many ways, and perhaps your experience could be different to hers - maybe there is something deeper going on in her mind at the moment that could manifest this behaviour? Have you been able to talk to her about this at all?

    It also appears as though you have done a lot for her, constantly trying to make her happy and making sure things happen for her - and her behaviour now makes you feel as though she doesn't appreciate all this - which can't be easy for you.

    You mentioned her parents, have you got a relationship with them? Perhaps you could mention to them her anger and her being tired a lot - maybe they have some insight, or maybe they recognize this behaviour from her in the past.

    Have a look at this Askthesite question which could be similar to her point of view.

    Let us know how you get on :)
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    exposedexposed Posts: 31 Boards Initiate
    Hi, guys.

    By my own admission I have been ridiculously busy with work so I have missed this thread a little.

    Update wise.

    I tried talking about this, my girlfriend says it is not depression that is causing this. She just claims she has a lower sex drive.

    My girlfriend's uni year ended a couple of weeks ago, so the laze has just gotten worse. She's still sleeping about 12/13 hours a day, spending most of the day in her pyjamas on the settee every day without fail.

    We went out for a drink the other day to celebrate a friend's birthday. Everyone was having a great time, things seemed to be going well. Then just as we were about to leave to go home at about 11 for what seemed like what was going to be our first.. sex in god only knows how long - my girlfriend suddenly tells me she was going over her friends house to watch a film. She then told me to go to bed and don't wait up, coming back home about 3am.

    To be honest I have no idea what to do next. The morning after that night I told her that I thought she wasn't putting as much into the relationship as she could and she just ignored it.

    I'm worried that things are never going to get any better. I mean what's the point in me busting my gut 40 hours a week, plus working tons of overtime and on call etc to provide for the both of us when i'm not getting anything in return?

    I don't know whether my expectations are just too high.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You two really need to talk. I think you both want different things. It's clear to me that something is wrong here. However, you can't do anything unless she's willing to help herself.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sleeping for 12-13 hours is a little worrying in itself - although it could be end-of-uni comedown.

    You need to have a decent, honest conversation - and be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think your expectations are too high, you seem to be doing a lot to help your girlfriend make changes to her life and you seem committed to the relationship. It does sound like she's depressed or has an underlying medical condition. It may be that the pill is affecting her sex life (some contraceptives can do that, the injection annihilated mine) but it seems strange she suspects this, yet doesn't want to come off it and see if it improves things. Other than talking to her, I'm not sure what else you can do. Has she mentioned what her dream job would be? It seems like she knows what she doesn't want to do jobwise, but maybe she needs to plan a change of direction which doesn't require spending more time and money on study (at least for the time being).
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