Home Health & Wellbeing
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

Bit long - relationships/mental health

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I guess I could've put this in the hugs thread but there's a lot of stuff that I need to get out so it seems best just to start a new one, hope you don't mind.

To those of you who've not seen previous posts on the subject, I'm currently on a year abroad as part of my degree. I left England in September last year and I am returning in 5 weeks. Before I left, I had been in a strong and committed relationship and we agreed to cool things off and see how things were when I got back.

I have known since the beginning of the month that my partner was seeing someone new. Yesterday evening Kiwi time, after spending the entire afternoon getting myself into a worse and worse state because my best friend had promised not to tell me, my ex finally told me via a Facebook message that his new girlfriend was his housemate, a good friend of mine.

I didn't take this especially well.

I convinced my room mate and another friend to take me to an RA as I knew I was not in a good way. Short story being that my room mate and I spent last night at A&E talking to crisis team. I have not hurt myself yet.

After this I rang my ex and very calmly, no shouting, no swearing, tried to explain that whilst at some point in the future I am willing to try to be friends with them both, right now I feel pretty betrayed, amongst other things. He couldn't see why I felt this way and got quite aggressive (his usual response to times when he doesn't want to admit that I might be right.) My credit ran out and he sent me a text saying that he is happy to be my friend or not but he will not discuss this any further.

I had emergency counselling and an emergency GP appointment. I've been given some more zopiclone to help me sleep and some citalopram (I came off fluoxetine just over a year ago.) I have more emergency counselling tomorrow. The counsellor wants to ship me back to England ASAP but I am against this. The halls of rez staff are being really good about things, are regularly checking up on me to make sure I'm ok, especially when my room mate isn't here. I've handed over my medication to them so that I'm not tempted to take it all. There's a lot of things in my room that I could still use to harm me but we all agreed that if I really wanted to do something, I could easily leave my room and do it, so they've remained. I can just about get through the day but at night it's the worst. I've been having the same two nightmares for months, one with earthquakes, and one of my partner/ex being with someone else. Not only do I have a name and a face to give to the woman in my dreams but it's the name and the face of someone I really trusted.

I know that the way he is behaving means that I am better off without him. I know that I am better than this. I am trying to pull my shit together as best I can so that I can enjoy the rest of my time abroad, and so that I can do well on my exams (the first is on Monday.) I know some of you won't understand my rationale, but I'm driven by wanting to be better than people that hurt me, to prove that I am better than them, so I am going to give these exams and my final year all I've got to give so that I can prove that I am worth something and that I will not let this event break me.

I've tried to get in touch with my family but due to the time difference, it's awkward. They're not generally the most supportive people so I'm not looking forward to telling them but I know I should as I'll be living with them for at least a month when I come back to England.

I've deactivated my facebook for now as I don't want the constant reminders. I feel bad about the fact that I've let this get to me and that I've probably scared some of my friends, even though I know I did the right thing last night by not hurting myself and by getting treatment.

I didn't want to go back anyway and this is making it a lot harder. They were two of the first friends I made at uni, most of my other friends are moving away after graduation, and I can't really avoid them indefinitely because of the number of friends we share. It's just that it will be hard to go back, especially when I'll be doing the 'this is the pub where xyz happened' and 'this is where we all went to dinner together that time.'

I don't know. I don't know what I'm asking for, maybe just a way to organise my thoughts a little more?

I'd start a 'Ways in which Marina Aniseed is better than this thread' but that'd be pretty egotistical!

Cheers for reading this far.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done you for starting your own thread. Don't feel bad at all about not using the hugs thread, it's much much better to have your own.

    And well done you again for being so proactive in realising things weren't going great, and taking brilliant steps towards getting yourself some help. Deactivating your facebook was an inspired idea. I'm going to hazard a guess that even now you've written it out the whole thing might seem ever so slightly less bad than it did in the middle of the night last night. Getting a handle on things can really help.

    Yes, you need to tell your family at some point, but by the sounds of it there's no immediate rush. If you thought they were doing to be instantly wonderfully supportive then I'd encourage you to rush onto it, but it sounds like it's really not a priority at the moment.

    Try to deal with one day at a time. Easier said than done I realise. If you sit in NZ thinking about how difficult things are going to be when you go back, then you'll just wind yourself up about the unknown. The unknown is always worse than the reality, so that's definitely not a winning starting point.

    You say you want to prove yourself to other people, which isn't a bad aim if it's having positive effect, but remember that the most important person to aim to prove yourself to is yourself. You'll also always be your own harshest judge. If you've got exams starting Monday, is there anyway you can try and work towards them, even if only as a distraction. Take some revision somewhere there are other people around and try and crack on with it. You might find it easier if there's an 'audience' to perform to on the revision front. Some kind of library or study room in your halls maybe?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sadly the search function doesn't seem to be working properly at the minute, but I do seem to remember you posting before about how a psych thought you had borderline personality disorder (BPD). Is that right? I'll assume that my memory is working properly.

    BPD is characterised by a fear of real or perceived rejection. Being rejected in such a way, by two people you thought you could trust, is going to affect you. Don't feel like a failure for feeling hurt and rejected, even people without mental ill-health would be extremely hurt and angry about what they've done. It's going to be worse for you.

    Try and remember that what has happened doesn't reflect badly on you, it reflects badly on them. Deep down you know this, it's shitty behaviour and you know it is. You know it's their fault, not yours. Try so hard to focus on that, externalise the anger rather than blaming yourself. There isn't much you could have done, they're the treacherous scum, it isn't due to a failure of your behaviour. Don't get angry with yourself, get angry with them. One trick I use sometimes is to write everything in a letter- not an email, a letter with a real pen and paper- and put everything down in it. Everything you'd love to say to them but you'd never have the courage. Get it all out and then set fire to the letter, watch the letter burn away into the sunset. I don't know if it would help you, but it does sometimes help me work through the anger.

    I think you need to tell your family sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it, the more scared you will become. They're not going to blame you or be anything other than supportive- they're going to call him the names that he is- and they're not going to reject you. People will blame him and they'll take your side, generally, although don't make it a slanging match. Keep quiet and behave with dignity and you'll be OK.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have nothing to add to the above. Just wanted to post as an extra indication of support.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also, go for Artcics idea of family sooner rather than later.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for your replies, they mean a lot.

    Scary, you are right, I know that I should prove it to me but I'm one of those people who finds it hard to motivate myself unless there's some sort of competition, someone or something to be better than. Without that around I end up taking the attitude of 'I know this. I know I know this. My lecturer knows I know this. Why do I have to get a piece of paper that says that we all know that I know this?'

    Ahem.

    I am trying to revise but it's hard when I'm constantly being checked up on by people. I know that they have to and that they mean well but it's fairly distracting! My university back home have said that as long as I can send over the medical stuff, they will grant me an extenuating circumstances thing in case things go badly wrong.

    I spoke to my dad after I posted originally and had to hang up the call because he was just making things worse. I've just come away from talking to my mum although my dad spoke to me briefly to tell me that my old manager had a massive heart attack at work which is making me feel even worse. My mum was a little better to deal with than my dad but I still got the medication rant (why do you need this? how long will you be on it for? You're a hypochondriac/being stupid/the doctor should tell you to stop being down about it.....you get the gist.) I also got the 'why does this surprise you? You should've known he'd find someone else, you could've met someone on your travels' speech and the 'I think you're being silly throwing away your friendships and making it awkward for everyone else because of this' speech. My friends who were overhearing the conversation pretty much had their chins on the floor.

    Yes, Arctic, I have posted about BPD before. I'm glad that I've gone through this before and know what to expect and know how to deal with things a bit better, even though I know that I'm going to be near enough a wreck for a good little while. The letter thing might be a good idea if I can find somewhere to do it.

    Parts of me are feeling better and parts aren't. A friend who wasn't even present when this all started kicking off was told by somebody else and nobody realised that she had previously worked for a youth support line in NZ so it's bringing back lots of horrible crap for her and she's now avoiding me. I can understand why, it just makes me sad that even when I know I've done the best thing that I could, I've still ended up making people feel shitty.

    I'll let you know how part 2 of emergency counselling goes.

    EDIT: Not gone to counselling yet but the halls manager wants to throw me and send me back to England because my actions are affecting other people. I haven't even done anything except cry a lot and get professional help :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello again.

    Today hasn't really gone how I wanted it to. I've been asked to leave my halls of residence and find alternative accommodation for the weekend. My room mate's sister has said I can crash on her floor for a couple of nights. Theoretically I should be allowed back Sunday/Monday but everything is super up in the air.

    I really don't know what to say to any of this. Just gah. I try not to hurt people by taking the right steps and I still end up in a bloody mess.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Marina i think you've dealt with this all so bravely and i'm sorry that those around you are not giving you the support you need. None of this is your fault. I'll write you a better reply but wanted you to know i'm thinking of you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    Marina i think you've dealt with this all so bravely and i'm sorry that those around you are not giving you the support you need. None of this is your fault. I'll write you a better reply but wanted you to know i'm thinking of you.

    Seconded. What does your halls manager say is affecting other people?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If your room mates sister has offered you her floor that's fab, and shows that your obviously not having a massively negative effct on everyone around you.

    If you can keep things reasonably on track until Monday and they let you back to halls then that would be really good. Your halls manager is obviously being a complete tool, however, there's not a lot you can do about it, and if you can manage to sort yourself out with somewhere with a friend over the weekend then you'll be in a really strong position to go back to your room after the weekend.

    Speaking to your parents might not have gone as well as you wanted, but at least its done.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm back in the halls at the mo. Just before I left last night, one of the RAs said to go for one night and then come back. So here I am. I haven't found any members of staff since I came back so I've no idea if I'm supposed to be here or not. My room mate's sister has said that I can use her spare room until the Queen's birthday and that I can just kip on her floor or something after that if need be. It's good to have some people supporting me, online and in person, it's such a pain at the moment not knowing what's going on. It's not really helping me to revise for my exam on Monday. Gah.

    The halls manager is saying that they've had complaints from other residents, people who were not even involved in the original incident on Wednesday, saying that I have triggered them. I know that seeing a friend upset isn't easy at that we're all stressed about exams but gah. I've been trying to minimise the damage but I got a cold reception when a friend (friend?) came into the room after I got back, someone else is getting a last minute flight back to Auckland, and a fair few people are avoiding my room mate's birthday celebration. I feel bad because it feels like they're victimising her when it's me that they're upset with.

    I'm going to try to enjoy tonight and help my room mate celebrate her birthday and just try to get myself in the best position I can to persuade them to let me stay here.

    Thanks again for all your support.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to drag this back up but does anyone have a polite way of telling me friends to shut the hell up about this? I came off Facebook so that I didn't have this in my face all the time so instead I get messages on other social networking sites telling me that they've made it official and blah de blah.

    I realise that I need my friends more than ever right now but the urge to go ballistic and fire off all sorts of expletives in their direction is almost overwhelming right now...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ah sucks. I can see why youd feel bad, although i dont think its entirely unreasonable for him to get with someone else if you were on a year apart if youd talked about cooling down and re-evaluating when you got back. That was a risk you took. I can definitely see why youd feel hurt though, and its very easy to get things out of perspective when youre feeling low and vulnerable already x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just wanted to throw some more support in here.

    Firstly I know how you feel about the whole "affect on other people thing" I got fired from my last job because of the effect my mental health was having on other people, which you know wasn't fair. But people panic and make a song and dance, especially those who don't know you well. Try not to let it get to you, to me it sounds like you've been doing so well at coping.

    Secondly I also did I year abroad when I studied and its hard coming back. Even more so in your circumstances, but be realistic, its just another year.

    *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you ladies :) Suzy, I know it's not unreasonable, I guess I'm just pretty cut up about it happening so close to me coming back and because it was with someone I considered a good friend of mine.

    Probably wasn't the best idea but I ended up going home with a guy at the weekend and it really helped. It was nice to have someone interested in me and the fact that I was pretty relaxed about it when I've pretty much freaked out every time someone has made a move on me since I left.

    I'm dreading going back to England but that's something for another thread.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Probably wasn't the best idea but I ended up going home with a guy at the weekend

    Now just be careful... I know the old guy who dances at Molly Malone's LOOKS harmless, but he must have tons of girlfriends, he asked me out 3 times :p

    or it might be Wed nights at 'Electric Avenue' ..oh dear....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    skakitty wrote: »
    Now just be careful... I know the old guy who dances at Molly Malone's LOOKS harmless, but he must have tons of girlfriends, he asked me out 3 times :p

    or it might be Wed nights at 'Electric Avenue' ..oh dear....

    Oh my goodness, you have no idea how hard I just laughed at that! It was at San Francisco Bath House although I wingman'd my room mate into her first kiss at Electric Avenue ;-)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh my goodness, you have no idea how hard I just laughed at that! It was at San Francisco Bath House although I wingman'd my room mate into her first kiss at Electric Avenue ;-)

    Ahhh the grungy doorway place on .. upper Cuba st? eek! :p I do think there is a good singles scene in Welly, espesh when you combine it with student Wednesdays! Our faves were Molly's, the two irish pubs on cuba, electric ave and.... the Library when we were feeling flash (or someone else was paying for cocktails heh)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    skakitty wrote: »
    Ahhh the grungy doorway place on .. upper Cuba st? eek! :p I do think there is a good singles scene in Welly, espesh when you combine it with student Wednesdays! Our faves were Molly's, the two irish pubs on cuba, electric ave and.... the Library when we were feeling flash (or someone else was paying for cocktails heh)

    Yep, that place! I seem to drink at the same places that you did although I've not been to the Library, might have to find someone to shout my drinks for me :P
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yep, that place! I seem to drink at the same places that you did although I've not been to the Library, might have to find someone to shout my drinks for me :P

    Well there are only so many good places to go out heh :p
    ohhh it's on Courtney place, its... near Tory St (on the same st as Burger King i think) and it has a big white menu outside and you have to go upstairs to get in, there's usually a queue but it's open till like, 4am! Very expensive ($14/16 a cocktail anyone?!) but worth it for the cool atmosphere
Sign In or Register to comment.