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Tell me a joke
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in General Chat
I need a giggle.
I'll start.
Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?
Because if it were small, white and smooth it would be a ping-pong ball.
I'll start.
Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?
Because if it were small, white and smooth it would be a ping-pong ball.
0
Comments
It doesn't matter, he won't come anyways.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take him out for a drag.
No idea !!!!!!
I just thought of another one;
Why do you never see a flute player take a breath?
Because she has enough air in her head already.
#1: My dog's got no nose...
#2: how does it smell?!
#1: awful!
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
The second one asks for half of what he's having. The third one asks for half of what he's having.
The barman says "you're all twats" and pours two pints.
Police are looking into it.
I have just joined the forum... New out here.. Can someone tell me that which is that prank that rolled you on floor...?
Thanks!!
Her breasts pop out like balloons.
Her butler stands by,
With a glint in his eye,
And pops them back in with warm spoons.
She stuck her head in the fridge...
Lymerics are good.
There was a man from Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it!
I said "You're on."
Get your taco. You've just pulled a dyslexic Mexican.
Jonathan Ross when caught stealing kitchen utensils said it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!
Horse walks in to a bar. Barman says "why the long face?" The horse, being a horse and unable to understand the complexities of conversation, walks to the middle of the bar and shits on the floor.
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.
Past, present and future walked into a bar...
It was tense.
You can say a lot about paedophiles, but at least they drive slow past schools.
Haha, I like them...
____________________
It's not the end, it's just the beginning.
"Gay jokes aren't funny. Cum on guys".
The detective tried to change his mind but was unsuccessful. Just as he was afraid he wouldn't be able to prevent the man from jumping, the officer began to talk to him as well. The officer's words managed to convince the man on the edge to rethink his decision and step off.
When they got back to the police station, everyone was waiting for them with huge smiles. The moment they walked in, the chief shook the detective's hand and said "Congratulations, detective." The detective smiled back and said "Thank you, but I didn't actually do anything. It was all this officer's work."
The chief then shook the officer's hand and said "Congratulations, officer. The detective's wife had a boy."
They pull the Muslim first, who is alive but has lost his left arm in the accident. As he's pulled out of the car he says "Thank you, Allah, for saving my life, even if the price was an arm."
Then they pull the Buddhist out, who is also alive but has lost both his legs. He says "Thank you, Buddha, for letting me stay in this life although I will never walk again."
Finally, they pull the Christian out of the car, who is miraculously fine except for a few scratches. He says, angrily, "God damn it, we almost got killed!"
..............................................................
A little girl develops a habit of picking her nose and eating it.
Hoping to get her to stop her mother tells her: "Darling don't do that, you'll get fat!"
The next day they go shopping and travel back home on the bus. The little girl is sat opposite a heavily pregnant woman who she keeps staring at. The woman becomes aware of the little girl's staring and becomes uncomfortable. Feeling unable to tolerate it any longer she says to the little girl: "Sorry, but do you know me?"
The little girl says: "No, but I know what you've been doing to get so fat!"
.............................................................
A woman goes to the dentist feeling very nervous.
She sits down in the dentist's surgery and says: "I'd rather have a baby than have my teeth done!"
The dentist says: "Well please make your mind up, I need to adjust the chair accordingly!"
............................................................
A man of 80 goes to his GP and asks for a medical check-up.
The doctors asks if there is any particular reason for the check-up.
The elderly man says that he is getting married next week to a 20 year-old woman and that he's looking forward to some great sex.
The doctor says: "Good grief! ... You do realise this could be fatal!"
The old fella says philosophically: "Ah well, if she dies, she dies!"
...........................................
A dog runs into a butcher's shop and steals a joint of beef
The butcher recognises the dog as belonging to a solicitor who lives down the road
The butcher rings up the solicitor and says: "Hey, your dog just stole a joint of beef from me, are you liable for the cost of it?"
The solicitor says: "Yes I am, how much was the joint?"
The butcher says: £16.50!
Three days later the butcher receives a cheque through the post for £16.50.
Pinned to it is an invoice for £150.00 for legal advice.
The correct version is posted in the thread earlier
I'll be back, you'll see, and I'll be funny too!
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."