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Posting etiquette - choosing the right forum?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in General Chat
I don't really want this to descend into a bitching contest or a discussion about how mean and horrible I am. I'm not being mean and horrible but I want to get this off my chest.
I've made no secret about my own mental ill-health, something which comes and goes. When I'm feeling sad I want to come in the "light hearted" forums and read nob jokes, bad puns and discuss the benefits of cheese and ham toasties. I want to be on top.
This has been discussed before, yet there are some posters- posters who should know better- who do not seem able to grasp this. It's starting to make me quite angry. I think it is rude and disrespectful to post in the "lighter" forums about self-injury, or disordered eating, or domestic violence. It is distressing to people who are also experiencing emotional problems, disordered eating, self-injury and the like. I want to have the choice of reading about your problems. If I am reading a thread in 'anything goes' or 'waste time' I am reading it precisely because I choose to not read about your problems.
This isn't because I don't care about your problems or because I think you should be silenced. It is because your problems trigger my problems and I don't want to be triggered. I will come and listen to your problems when I feel in a safe enough place to do it, I won't ignore you and nobody else will.
This has been asked before and I'm asking again. BE CONSIDERATE AND POST PROBLEMS IN THE APPROPRIATE BOARD. By posting everywhere about the same things you're making me angry, you're making other posters angry, and ultimately you're going to get less sympathy and less assistance by doing it. People will still read your posts and sympathise and offer advice, you won't be ignored, but you won't be upsetting people. Just think about how your posts affect other people and show a bit of common courtesy.
I've made no secret about my own mental ill-health, something which comes and goes. When I'm feeling sad I want to come in the "light hearted" forums and read nob jokes, bad puns and discuss the benefits of cheese and ham toasties. I want to be on top.
This has been discussed before, yet there are some posters- posters who should know better- who do not seem able to grasp this. It's starting to make me quite angry. I think it is rude and disrespectful to post in the "lighter" forums about self-injury, or disordered eating, or domestic violence. It is distressing to people who are also experiencing emotional problems, disordered eating, self-injury and the like. I want to have the choice of reading about your problems. If I am reading a thread in 'anything goes' or 'waste time' I am reading it precisely because I choose to not read about your problems.
This isn't because I don't care about your problems or because I think you should be silenced. It is because your problems trigger my problems and I don't want to be triggered. I will come and listen to your problems when I feel in a safe enough place to do it, I won't ignore you and nobody else will.
This has been asked before and I'm asking again. BE CONSIDERATE AND POST PROBLEMS IN THE APPROPRIATE BOARD. By posting everywhere about the same things you're making me angry, you're making other posters angry, and ultimately you're going to get less sympathy and less assistance by doing it. People will still read your posts and sympathise and offer advice, you won't be ignored, but you won't be upsetting people. Just think about how your posts affect other people and show a bit of common courtesy.
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Comments
I thought we had this discussion relatively recently, and everyone pretty much agreed. But it now seems not.
I understand your point and I'm not disputing that posts should be made in the appropriate forums, but sometime a thread title can set the tone for the posts that fall within it, or can certainly leave it open to interpretation. The mods tend to move threads if they are not appropriate for a particular forum. So, if the thread title is vague enough and the thread isn't being moved it stands to reason that the post content will be hugely varied.
I would extend your point to include posts in a specifically titled thread that either derail the thread, hijack it or simply fail to address the original post or even attempt to. There are numerous examples of that.
I've noticed a few posts today that are slightly acidic towards certain kinds of posts. I'm not saying that your thread falls into that category, but I would find it disturbing if people aren't free to express themselves on here and if this became a judgemental kind of place then it would be of no value to anybody. Some people can't express themselves as well, or as appropriately, as others and there are various reasons why that might be so. These forums should be welcoming, as should its members, to anyone who genuinely wants to contribute and to stick within the rules wherever possible.
Anyway, those are my initial thoughts. I'm happy to be challenged on any of them, I like to hear differing opinions.
When I wake up feeling shitty, I don't want to read about how someone is suicidal/starving themselves/whatever in a thread where I don't expect it. I am not blaming anybody for my actions or my thoughts, but there have been cases in the past where something that was posted in regards to an eating disorder has brought about the, "But obviously it's working..." thoughts in my head. That's NOT OK. I avoid the individual threads in H&WB for a reason when I feel like this. I made the "I need a hug" thread so that people did not feel uncomfortable posting on what is a COMMUNITY forum.
WRT your first point - yes, the nature of this forum means that there will be people here with issues, but I wouldn't say "primarily inhabited". There are equally a lot of people who come here for the banter and the community and just to have a chat about politics or stupid shit. Those people don't want to see the kind of posts where it's obvious the poster is unwell.
I don't want to wake up when I'm feeling shitty to read about someone losing an unrealistic amount of weight in a short amount of time. It gives me ideas, even if I know that it's likely to be slightly exaggerated at best, and at worst a downright dangerous lie.
Fair point, accepted.
As another point, and generally related, I don't particularly enjoy threads degenerating into battles of intellect or will over actually focusing on trying to address the original idea of the thread. It would be nice sometimes if people left ego at the door.
What I think would be hugely wrong would be if this thread becomes a kind of witch hunt that is targeting one or two people specifically. If there are issues with specific posters then they should be addressed in private via a mod. If this problem really is widespread across numerous users then it's fine to debate it in a thread. Nobody should feel ostracised or targeted in here because that would be just plain spiteful.
I'm not even particularly persuaded by the "triggering" argument; people need to learn take responsibility for themselves and their own actions. I just want to not be eye-fucked by the boards wherever I go.
I was using that post as an example. It is widespread. And it's not cool.
Here's the thing, right. I'm not ok right now. I'm the furthest from ok that I've been in a really long god damn time. I don't post about how not-ok I am in threads that are intended to be light-hearted, because there are some people that just don't want to see it, for whatever reason. I expect the same courtesy that I apply to other other people to be given back to me, and it's not happening.
~*~Potentially triggery bit, sorry, needed to make a point~*~
How about if I posted in ranty or in your "what am I thinking" thread about how today I have self-harmed at work for the first time ever? Or that I've been re-opening my hernia scar repeatedly? Would that be ok? No, it wouldn't. Because people don't want to read about it. And I don't want to read about people who are clearly either losing weight in a very dangerous way or are frankly bullshitting. It gives me ideas. This isn't a new thing, because it's happened before, and it pissed me off back then, too, but at least that user posted in the appropriate god damn thread.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
WRT the Creative forum, maybe there should be a sub-forum or a sticky (like D&SH used to be) for the...less cheerful...poems. They don't offend me so much (unless we're talking spelling, grammar, syntax, that kind of thing, but I'm a grammar Nazi so whatevs), but it's like a flood of them at times.
I know we've had this discussion before but it's obviously just something that was worth saying again and now it's been said, with no one named or targeted, in a civilised way.
Some people let their emotions out through poetry, maybe you could probaberbly tell what the poem is about in advance like just by reading the tittle for example the titles in the poetry section, don't seem like the happiest of titles and could be a off setting poem, but many people do use poetry as a way to let go of their locked emotions or so on...
There are various common misunderstandings about 'attention seeking' behaviour that see people in real danger go unnoticed. A cry for help is a cry for help. Pain is personal and it is subjective. I don't want to be part of any place that becomes judgemental rather than supportive.
I don't care about the "poems" being "triggering". That isn't my beef. See above.
Posting it in a non-appropriate place DOES make it annoying because then it is *purely* attention-seeking and not making any attempt to get help. It is LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK HOW FUCKED UP I AM WAAAAAAAH.
And yeah, I've done it before. I'm probably one of the worst attention-seekers I know (shut it, Captain Carpet, I know what you're going to say). But a) I never lie about what I've done (that bothers me the most) and b) I post it in the right god damn thread because I know that there are people in that thread who recognise my attention-seeking for what it is - a cry for help. Posting it in AG or Waste Time runs the risk of people like CCH getting pissed off about it. Some people see attention-seeking as JUST attention-seeking and aren't going to give the support that the person needs.
Aside from that, a lot of the stuff which is unrealistic is massively, massively dangerous. Someone saying "I've lost x amount in y time" is much, much worse than just saying, "I haven't eaten today" (not saying that's not bad, because EUGH, but still). It provides a challenge and that is really fucking dangerous.
I don't agree that "most people" on here have "issues" and I don't agree that it is appropriate for people to post depressive stuff anywhere and everywhere. Pointing out that it is NOT appropriate to do it isn't being judgemental.
I could choose plenty of examples of what I mean but I won't because it's not fair. It isn't just one poster doing it and it would be unfair to highlight them. It's a problem with a few users, some of whom know what they're doing and some of whom don't.
Oh, I agree about personal responsibility. You do what you do, nobody else makes you.
My point is that I exercise my personal responsibility by avoiding certain posts and threads and boards when I am ill.
It's therefore pretty rude for people to post here, there and everywhere without any sort of warning. A thread about the best food to eat descended into who had the biggest eating disorder for goodness' sake. That is clearly NOT appropriate behaviour, regardless of how ill you are. There should come a point when you know your post is inappropriate; clearly these people post anyway. I think some people do it because they don't realise it is inappropriate but, truth be told, I think some people deliberately do it because they know they'll get more attention by being inappropriate.
It isn't a specific person so there's no point raising it with the mods in that sense, I would just like everyone to show a bit more consideration.
I agree about appropriate place, as I've said. However, I will say again that the point about attention seeking isn't really a point, because clearly attention is being sought. Attention seeking shouldn't be spat out like some kind of dirty word. People who are happy, fulfilled and complete don't tend to seek attention. It's too easy to look at outrageous statements and self indulgent rants and condemn the person who makes them. I prefer to look beyond the surface rather than to cast aspersions and take the moral high ground. Not everyone is able to express their pain in a manner that others will appreciate.
Ok, at this point, you've stepped right over the line. That's a really spite ridden and judgemental post and I can't quite believe you actually typed it.
At the end of the day, this forum isn't trivial. Yes there are trivial topics and some trivial responses to genuine problems that add a great deal, but it's not where the true value is. If it was then these boards wouldn't be moderated by a charity.
ArcticRoll, we would really appreciate some concrete examples in a PM/email ASAP. It really does feel like it's aimed at individuals tbh, so some proof that it isn't would be massively appreciated. Thanks!
I'm not articulate enough to contribute to this thread, but this paragraph expresses what i would say- +1
I refute 'spiteful' - frustrated, perhaps. But of course it's judgemental, that's what this whole thread's about: people are passing judgement on other's posting behaviour. And I've not said anything that anyone else hasn't - I've just not couched my sentiment in softly-softly language. Unless we're all collectively deciding to feign naivety about the patently obvious nature of a lot of the posts in question?
I haven't inferred the forum is trivial. Only that certain threads are. And I hardly think that's controversial.
I can see exactly why he typed it. It's blunt, very very very blunt and directly to the point, but I can think of several posts, from different users that the comments could easily apply to. To me, there needs to be some 'easy' content on the boards, to keep the comunity feel, and to give new users something fun and friendly to join into. At the moment there's nothing along those lines and it's not a nice or supportive place to be.
That's my personal perspective, very different to another persons I would guess. This thread could rapidly degenerate into making insuations about individuals if we let it, but its difficult to raise the discussion without examples coming to peoples mind.
These forums are designed in a specific way so that we can pick an choose the topics that interest us - for example I rarely, if ever, look at the drugs forum, ditto style and to a certain extent relaionships. It should be the same with mental health issues.
This sums it up nicely, I think.
Point taken, so sorry for that one.
Firstly, I don't think anyone should underestimate the value and impact of using thoughtful and compassionate language when being critical of others' behaviour. No matter how you perceive the outcome of some posting styles on these boards, what's really obvious is that there isn't any negative intention by posters and while they may need some guidance and support in using the boards differently, the tone in which some of you approach the issue is quite simply unnecessary.
Finally, I've just received a really well written, constructive and at the risk of embarrassing her - maturely delivered PM about all of these issues from ScaryMonster which isn't about telling people off - but more about looking at the issues in a practical way that means they can be dealt with.
Here's a couple of points that are worth considering:
1. If you're having a hard day, the hugs thread is your friend. Please use this instead of some of the other more generic on-going threads in anything goes as the people reading the hugs thread are the people who want to offer you some support.
2. If you're a regular poster of poetry that relates to dealing with difficult issues in your life then it's probably better that you have your own poetry thread where you add new poems - this will prevent there being a first page of emotional poetry that not everyone will want to read.
3. Please do use the report post button for anything that you feel is leading to your experience of the boards to feel 'grim'. We do care strongly about this and will respond as soon as we can.
Thanks loads for reading.
Ditto. I am trying to move on with my life and give up self harming completely. I don't want to read about people self harming.
This really annoys me. If I want to read about self harming, I'll either look in H&WB or read a self harm board that I sometimes post on.
On that note - please can I ask that people who do post triggering content, put in the thread title *triggering*?
Personally, that would annoy me more than the content. It's not for the poster to determine, really, and it shouldn't be used as an excuse to post whatever, whereever.
I agree with Kermit on this one. I also think this is a problem which didn't used to happen as much as it does now, so at some point people stopped respecting boundaries.
I'm not saying it should be.
I'm not so sure about this. I would rather people were clear in the title when posting a thread talking about issues like self-harm or disordered eating, because triggers are so subjective. If I'm in a particularly bad mood some really banal things can act as triggers but that's not the problem of whoever 'exposed me' to them. Does that make sense?
Also, I agree with Mist that the habit of putting *triggering* in titles was used as an excuse to say whatever when otherwise people might be more conservative.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that anyone should be able to post what they need to in order to get whatever support they want and if it's in the right forums clearly labelled then it should be easy to work out what to avoid if one is so minded. Make sense?
People may be seeking help, I don't doubt that, but they're more likely to get it in some of the other sections, from people who might never post/read Anything Goes but regularly post in those topics.
I rarely come into anything goes, I spend most of my time browsing home/law/drugs/net and tech in the hope that I can impart useful advice to people on topics I know a bit about. I know Skive and others stay mainly in drugs and politics. Those posting on Anything Goes for something like this to name but a few could potentially miss out on some important advice because they've just gone to the "busiest" section of the site. Important topics are also far more likely to be drowned out by random crap in here as well, they aren't in the other sections.
Surely the issues are the same, regardless of how long you've been a member.
Perhaps it should be renamed then? 'Anything Goes' implies precisely that. Yes there are specific forums for specific subjects, but then there is this melting pot of mixed topics that is too vague in description to give any clear indication of what it is and isn't for. There are guidelines, but again they don't rule out posting about issues of a potentially triggering nature as such.
I don't mind any changes that reflect the consensus of opinion. What I do object to is for any specific individuals to be targeted via a public thread and that includes thinly veiled references. Issues with individuals should be sorted out in private. As long as that's the case then I'm happy to stay in the threads of a more sensitive nature and leave the 'fun' threads to those who need them.
I don't see the references to issues with individuals that people keep referring to so maybe I'm being a bit obtuse but sometimes there is no agenda other than to have a discussion. Helen has already asked for specifics to be dealt with and no one is being accused of anything publicly; whilst we're giving people the benefit of the doubt maybe that could be extended to posters here? This isn't a malicious place, honestly.