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what to when you have really screwed things up?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Long time lurker first time poster sorry its a long one....

i have a girlfriend who i live with midway through last year we were having a few problems and came close to splitting up.
At the same time my mate was having some problems with his gf(ill refer to her as girlx from now on) and they did split up - id always liked her but didnt really felt i knew her very well.
A few months back there were a few of us at the pub and girlx starts talking to me and has a cry on my shoulder
From then on we got fairly close (i thought) we would email everyday and chat a bit on nights out with work send the odd text.
Over time i guess i developed some pretty strong feelings for her not realising that she was getting back with her ex.... So one night emotions were running high as I realised what was going on and i got seriously wound up which isnt really me im fairly laid back most of the time. I left the pub to go home later only to find girlx stood on her own looking a bit miserable so i went and spoke to her only find they had split up again she started crying and i gave her a hug (we used to hug a lot) and then she asked me why i was upset.....
and its strange she was never meant to know how much i liked her it - was my secret i thought it was just a passing crush but probably cause i was so wound up and a bit hurt maybe i told her i loved her! (what a muppet).

I thought id never hear from her again. I sent her an email a bit later apologising for being such an muppet and left it at that. Anyway a few months later when everything had calmed down she sent me a few emails - shes back with her boyfriend and all seems well.

If we all go out on night out she will talk to me a and is still pleasentand depsite the fact my mates knows i like his gf hes fine with me. (im not sure id be the same if roles were reversed).

I miss how well i used to get on with girlx and i miss hearing from her ive apolgised for getting things so wrong. I just feel a bit hurt maybe a bit used??? like i was playing surrogate by while my mate sorted out what he was doing and dont understand why she used to pay me as much attention as she did...(i dont have girls who are friends so maybe thats y it was a bit confusing for me)

I feel like i beat myself up over what happened everyday and I hate it. Its like being a hamster on a wheel
How can i get back just being normal??
and not think about this mess all the time let me know!

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds to me like a lot of what you are feeling is about hurt pride, rejection (essentially) and about validation of lack thereof. At the time you and girlx became close you were both in the position of being in, or just out of, relationships that weren't working out. You provided company and support for each other. You both perhaps liked the attention, that you were lacking from your respective partners, and you felt validated by the fact that you wanted each other around.

    Your feelings spiralled and you lost a bit of self control by your own admission. Girlx, on the other hand, was clearly still very much intent on being with her guy and was not quite ready to let it go. I don't feel that she conned you in any way, it seems like you both willingly sought out each other's company during a difficult time. At no point were there any commitments made nor any real signals that there would be something more. If you had been in a more rational place you perhaps would have realised that it was the worst possible time to try and secure any kind of relationship with this girl because her emotions were still too raw.

    Don't take it as an epic knock back, take it as a misreading of a situation based more on need than on clear thinking. However, don't expect her to be unguarded around you like she might have been before. Telling someone that you love them, particularly if it seems a bit out of the blue, tends to stick in their mind and if it's not what they wanted to hear it will change how they are around you. If you obsess too much over 'making things how they were' then you are likely to make things worse. Time is the best healer. Once she sees that you have both moved forward then she will feel less guarded. While she thinks you might still be holding on to feelings for her, particularly considering she's with your friend, then she will likely be reserved around you. Despite what your friend says to you about being okay with you liking his girlfriend he may be saying quite different things to HER. He might actually be wary of you and he may have expressed that to her. That too could be affecting her behaviour.

    Bitterness towards this girl won't help, nor will self deprecation. Accept that you did what you did, however ill advised, because of a particular set of circumstances. Learn from it and let it go.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Londonhammer,

    I know this is going to read entirely as something very easy to say but not to do, but don't beat yourself up about it. Particularly as it seems to me that your situation has arisen from being honest about your feelings to girlx.

    You might want to read our articles about unrequited love and getting over your feelings for someone in case you find that they're helpful for learning about how to not think about it all the time, as you say you're doing.

    Will.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for the replys.
    Stu i think you get most of it pretty much spot on. Im certainly not annoyed with anyone but myself for getting into this situation

    I think now its happend i miss how well we got on and the attention..... plus her tactileness with me was very confusing ive never met anyone like that b4. I suppose recognising that and not expecting to hear from her is the first step to putting it behind me.

    Just to clarify my friend and i have never spoken on the incident but to the outside world hes fine with - im sure at the time he was livid and maybe still is.. but we function close to what we used to

    knock knock thanks for the links... maybe the upward curve can begin now.
    Im going to try and keep a low profile for a few months and see what happens no partys or nights out for awhile...... cheers for your advice i guess everyone makes mistakes
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