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Profiles on dating sites

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Strubble's post was presumably removed because it was a little too forthright. That's not to say I don't agree with him.

    As for the profile, plenty of girls are gamers and that can be a big draw. I love a geeky girl so I don't see why the same wouldn't work in reverse. But there's a difference between being a gamer and being a sad sack who never leaves his house; the latter is what comes across in your profile. Being a gamer as part of a varied social life is one thing, being nothing but a gamer quite another.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Calvin wrote: »
    Have they removed your post?

    apparently. It happens a lot, because they regard it as flaming (which it is from time to time kinda, i admit)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    apparently. It happens a lot, because they regard it as flaming (which it is from time to time kinda, i admit)

    It also had some good advice.

    What is it with these boards now, could this be why they are dying a slow death? Old posters are moving on and hardly any newbies signing up?

    Censorship is taking over, its like the boards have become all corporate. If your opinions are tough, controversial or not to everyones taste, your post is removed.

    How about letting young people express themselves, isnt that what a message board is for. Look at twitter and facebook- could it be a coincidence that the reason they are thriving is because it allows people to express their opinions without censorships (within reason)

    I saw StrubbleS post and although it was tough, it had some good advice. Yes it was tough but how the hell are posters supposed to learn, grow and develop into young men and women who can handle criticism and accept other opinions? If posters are only allowed to respond in a non controversial, vanilla kind of way or risk having their advice sanitised, whats the point of putting effort into responding?

    If we all cuddle around Mr Ferrari (or whatever hes called) and be very nice, trying not to be rude and not offend or upset him (or anyone else on the boards) tell him nothing is wrong as hes dating profile isn't terrible how the hell is that giving him 'advice for the real word'. Please wise up, in the real world, if you ask a question you sometimes have to listen to opinions you dont agree with or like - but its that experience and how you deal with it, that makes you a better person.

    Sorry rant over! Thats my cue. :wave:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    YouthNet is a charity and as such the mods have an obligation to ensure that all discussion on here is legal, fair and respectful. This means that they have to be firm on flaming and it means posters cannot make jokes and observations that people elsewhere can make. It isn't Twitter, if YouthNet leave a comment unmoderated they can be sued.

    Asking if someone has a "learning disability" is not respectful. I understand the sentiment, but think about other people before throwing the insults around. Mr Ferrari is irritating because he keeps asking for advice on the same issue and then bloody well ignores it all, but asking about his "learning disability is just needlessly insulting to people who do have those problems.

    Moderation is not the same as censorship. If you don't like the moderation here, you know where the door is.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    YouthNet is a charity and as such the mods have an obligation to ensure that all discussion on here is legal, fair and respectful. This means that they have to be firm on flaming and it means posters cannot make jokes and observations that people elsewhere can make. It isn't Twitter, if YouthNet leave a comment unmoderated they can be sued.

    Asking if someone has a "learning disability" is not respectful. I understand the sentiment, but think about other people before throwing the insults around. Mr Ferrari is irritating because he keeps asking for advice on the same issue and then bloody well ignores it all, but asking about his "learning disability is just needlessly insulting to people who do have those problems.

    Moderation is not the same as censorship. If you don't like the moderation here, you know where the door is.

    Perhaps he does have a learning disability, how would we ever know if we aren't allowed to ask. If he then doesnt want to say - fine.

    Yes I do know where the door is, like yourself who has been through it many times before when you throw your toys out the pram ;)

    G'night
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Calvin wrote: »
    Perhaps he does have a learning disability, how would we ever know if we aren't allowed to ask. If he then doesnt want to say - fine.

    It's not relevant to the discussion. And it is a bit of an insult to people with learning difficulties.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    It's not relevant to the discussion. And it is a bit of an insult to people with learning difficulties.

    Of course it is, at least 10 people have tried to get a simple message across and failed. Its relevant.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    YouthNet is a charity and as such the mods have an obligation to ensure that all discussion on here is legal, fair and respectful. This means that they have to be firm on flaming and it means posters cannot make jokes and observations that people elsewhere can make. It isn't Twitter, if YouthNet leave a comment unmoderated they can be sued.

    Asking if someone has a "learning disability" is not respectful. I understand the sentiment, but think about other people before throwing the insults around. Mr Ferrari is irritating because he keeps asking for advice on the same issue and then bloody well ignores it all, but asking about his "learning disability is just needlessly insulting to people who do have those problems.

    Moderation is not the same as censorship. If you don't like the moderation here, you know where the door is.

    Quite.

    My original response was deleted as well. Thankfully it wasn't nearly as long as that one, but even if it had been, they have a duty to keep people from being insulted.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    It's not relevant to the discussion. And it is a bit of an insult to people with learning difficulties.

    why is asking someone - who gets the dating profile 101 in full length, but takes not a single thing from it - if he has learning difficulties offensive to anyone who really has learning difficulties? Honestly here. Even if it was meant as an insult, it was a pretty weak one. If someone said "Are you dull?", it would probably have passes.

    If someone posted something, and someone else said, "LOL I bet you are a ginger!" (for whatever reason), I would not be upset and I have red hair. I don't know if there is any connection, between these two cases, because I can't see one in the first example either.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    "Do you have learning difficulties?" is not the same as asking "are you a bit thick?". There's a history of using words like "spastic" as an insult in English, although that might not be obvious as English isn't your first language.
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Yea. The system wants to silence me. I thought it brought the general consensus over pretty well.

    OK StrubbleS, let's hear what you have to say.

    What was your genuine intention and belief behind posting that comment?

    Would it mean that you would take the piss out of him less if you found out he had a learning disability? If that's the case, then why didn't you wait to find out the answer before mocking him further?

    At the end of the day we really encourage people to communicate without insulting each other or passing unnecessary comments simpy for a cheap laugh. There was no evidence in the context of your post: "Do you have a learning disability + belittling comment" that you were asking your question in a way that was intended to help him feel better about the situation or would lead to benefit in your relationship with him as a fellow member of this community.

    So Calvin, I'm sorry if you think this is unfair censorship, but the way I see it, it's not even the fact we're a charity that led me to delete the comments - people simply don't deserve to receive that kind of flack.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've briefly experimented with the Franki rewrite of profiles. I now get messages, I didn't before. Sample time of new profile, 24 hours, previous one, 3 months.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've briefly experimented with the Franki rewrite of profiles. I now get messages, I didn't before. Sample time of new profile, 24 hours, previous one, 3 months.

    Let's all just accept that Franki is a profile writing genius and be done with it :p.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **helen** wrote: »
    "Do you have a learning disability + belittling comment" that you were asking your question in a way that was intended to help him feel better about the situation or would lead to benefit in your relationship with him as a fellow member of this community.

    First of all I said "difficulties" and not "disability", which are very different in tone and meaning, if you ask me.

    Second, the question about learning difficulties and the 'belittling' remark are unrelated.

    1. The question aimed towards the fact that people go to great lengths to point out bad parts in his profiles, explain why, and offer improvement. The OP rewrites his profile in a similar atrocious style.
    2. The exact same thread has been here before, and if you check it, I gave (to my opinion) good and reasonable advice (as I did in the beginning of this thread). So what is it you prefer? If someone asks for advice and people write long posts to help and the advice is ignored, shall the user be henceforth ignored, the same advice copy/pasted or is it a shift in tone acceptable to call out to the OP so he realizes his ignoring of the advice is objectionable and the improvement to his situation is nil? If you ask me, it's the latter.
    3. The 'belittling remark' was aimed at the new part about the expensive camera, which was similar to AR's reponse imo. It is a repulsive thing to say, I stated why (in an example however).

    If you never show your patience with someone who ignores any help has it's limits, he will just ask over and over again, learn nothing and alienate the people giving him advice in the end resulting in a loss-loss situation.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    First of all I said "difficulties" and not "disability", which are very different in tone and meaning, if you ask me.

    We don't ask you. They are exactly the same in tone and meaning. Someone with "learning difficulties" is not someone who fails to grasp a point, they are someone with a problem like Down's or cerebal palsy. Saying someone has "learning difficulties" is far more than saying they're a bit slow on the uptake.

    As I say, it may well be that English isn't your first language, but what you are trying to say isn't really what you said.
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    They are exactly the same in tone and meaning. Someone with "learning difficulties" is not someone who fails to grasp a point, they are someone with a problem like Down's or cerebal palsy. Saying someone has "learning difficulties" is far more than saying they're a bit slow on the uptake.

    :yes: agreed
    As I say, it may well be that English isn't your first language, but what you are trying to say isn't really what you said.

    :yes:agreed.

    So, now moving on from there...

    StrubbleS - I really appreciate the points you've made in your latest post and reckon that others in the community will totally relate to them and agree with some of the issues.

    As mods, we rarely object if people challenge others in the way you have with your latest points 1-3 (I hold my hands up and apologise if anyone feels I've ever done so.) These are opinions that you're really welcome to both have and share, particularly in a community that's all about giving and receiving advice. I hope I've never said that this kind of feedback (if presented in a and non-offensive way) isn't acceptable.

    Another take on it?

    When you decide to give advice to anyone about anything, you kind of have to accept that the person may not be able to meet your standards, reach the goal you've set out for them or simply decide for themselves that while what's worked for you might be amazing for you, it might not feel right for them - that's a persons perogative (SP?). There could be any number of reasons why Mr Ferrari hasn't written the 'perfect' profile you've all put heaps of effort into explaining and he's not obliged to give some long justification for why that's the case - it's not a prerequisite for asking for feedback.

    This blog kind of sums up what I'm getting at a little better I think -
    http://spaghettipie.wordpress.com/2008/04/23/a-little-advice-on-giving-advice/

    However, what's really strong in this thread is a reminder that these boards are never just about the OP. When Franki (strongest example I feel) wrote her replies, they clearly touched loads of us and have helped goodness knows how many people get more dates. :d That in itself is great motivation to keep posting and remember that it's a whole community that will benefit.

    The alienation you speak of - that's a choice not a given. If people choose to become so frustrated and annoyed with someone for not following the directions put forward to them, then that seems a real shame because not only might the benefits be a drip-drip approach and finally click, but also there are plenty of others who will be listening to that advice and gaining from it.

    This "ignoring advice is objectionable" is actually really military in approach and really not what TheSite.org is about. If it was the case, I'm sure you'd be a banned member by now for all the time's you've ignored my advice. And hey, I'm sure we wouldn't be having this conversation now! :razz:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How boring does one of my previous profiles from many moons ago sound.
    Fun and out going guy who spends far too much time hard at work, and looking to start having some down time where I can chill out and destress.

    I always strive to work hard and achieve my aims, I always aim too high, but if you work hard enough for what you want and then fall short, then if you aim high you wont be too disappointed.

    I have a varied taste in music, spent the odd year or two in the past working in a pub (many moons ago) so I had to kind of learn to love a bit of everything.

    I could talk about what makes me unique, but if I go into too much detail on here, there would be no point in anyone sending any messages to ask questions, so ask away.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Let's all just accept that Franki is a profile writing genius and be done with it :p.

    New business idea there?! :p
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    New business idea there?! :p

    I reckon she should offer a basic up front fee, then a percentage of what ever the guy shells out on the first date or whatever!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    G-Raffe wrote: »
    I reckon she should offer a basic up front fee, then a percentage of what ever the guy shells out on the first date or whatever!

    +1 good idea!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Franki, I'm sure you are a nice dateble person but not everyone is good at selling themselves. Talk to some people who know you well as they can tell you what your best attributes are.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    JanePerson wrote: »
    Franki, I'm sure you are a nice dateble person but not everyone is good at selling themselves. Talk to some people who know you well as they can tell you what your best attributes are.

    Wait, what?

    I have no issues with my own profile, love. I get plenty messages and responses.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :banghead: Gah, sorry I meant Mr Ferari, quoted wrong name. Sorry I'm really sleepy right now. I'm sure your profile is awesome.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    JanePerson wrote: »
    :banghead: Gah, sorry I meant Mr Ferari, quoted wrong name. Sorry I'm really sleepy right now. I'm sure your profile is awesome.

    And then I spelt Ferrari wrong. I really should just go to sleep.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When I read Franki's version of a dating profile, I smile. But I seem to feel like I'm going through the motions when I read yours, OP. The bit about the expensive is definitely not neccesary. Personally, I couldn't care less whether a bloke had a £40 or £400 camera, or whatever. You definitely need to mention some hobbies that don't involve you being alone. Them on their own definitely make you seem a bit like a loner.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    YouthNet is a charity and as such the mods have an obligation to ensure that all discussion on here is legal, fair and respectful. This means that they have to be firm on flaming and it means posters cannot make jokes and observations that people elsewhere can make. It isn't Twitter, if YouthNet leave a comment unmoderated they can be sued.

    Asking if someone has a "learning disability" is not respectful. I understand the sentiment, but think about other people before throwing the insults around. Mr Ferrari is irritating because he keeps asking for advice on the same issue and then bloody well ignores it all, but asking about his "learning disability is just needlessly insulting to people who do have those problems.

    Moderation is not the same as censorship. If you don't like the moderation here, you know where the door is.

    Well I'm "so" sorry for ignoring people's advice. Although I do take some of it in account.

    Are some of you saying that I have a "learning disability"?:shocking:

    I can honestly say that I don't bother reading long replies. And I mostly skim through peoples replies without actually reading them properly.

    Frankipanda
    Let's see if you can write me a good profile and see if I get any replies. Oh and send me it as a personal message.:thumb:


    BTW. I don't bother reading StrubbleS's posts.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I'm "so" sorry for ignoring people's advice. Although I do take some of it in account.

    Are some of you saying that I have a "learning disability"?:shocking:

    I can honestly say that I don't bother reading long replies. And I mostly skim through peoples replies without actually reading them properly.

    Frankipanda
    Let's see if you can write me a good profile and see if I get any replies. Oh and send me it as a personal message.:thumb:


    BTW. I don't bother reading StrubbleS's posts.

    So, what you're saying is, the huge amount of time and effort I put in to trying to help you was for nothing, because you didn't actually read any of my posts? Nice.

    I've already written you a good profile. You chose to "skim" that reply and not read it properly, so I won't be writing you another one.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    And I mostly skim through peoples replies without actually reading them properly.

    Well. There's gratitude for you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No wonder you have problems on dating sites if you just skim through responses from people.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't get why you'd want someone to write the profile for you. Surely the artifice would fall apart after you start messaging someone?

    I mean Franki could write you an excellent profile but as soon you have to communicate in your...ummm...less personable style, it'd be obvious that someone else had wrote it. I'd think that was a bit weird.
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