my life (poems)

Former Member

This is my first attempt to express myself in way that did not require prompted and questioning - also my first attempt at writing a poem. Here it goes...

Its hard to say
What me makes me feel this way.
I don't want say
what my thoughts have to play.

I'm I cracking up?
Crumbling at the edges?
Fallen into the great dark abyss?

I can't make head or tail
Of my thoughts or how I feel
My mind is just
W
..H
....I
....R
...L
....I
.....N
.....G
And
......W
........H
........I
......R
.....L
.......I
........N
..........G
And
..W
....H
......I
.......R
......L
....I
..N
G

While I sit on my own
Surrounded by everyone:
Family, friends, collegues and strangers
Whilst darkness emminates from within
Slowly grasping normality
T
...W
......I
...S
.....T
........I
......N
....G

........C
..........O
.........N
.......T
.....O
...R
....T
...I
.....N
.......G

...T
.....W
....I
.......S
.........T
...........I
.........N
.......G
It into what it is not

What do I have to do
To make the candle burn bright enough
For my inner demons to shoo
For this lifes journey has been rough

I was once shocked
By lifes evils
But my heart is locked
when it crept in like a weasel

I was once innocent
But it didn't last
Advantaged by an older gent
Now I can't get rid of my past

I thought I had escaped
To a land of a new start and promises
But it was shattered by attempted rape
Taking weed and alcohol rinses

Living on three cuppa soups
And a bottle of water
My weight did stoop
But my mind was like a mortar

Help did come just on time
In the form of work and being cadet
How my life started to climb
And my past I began to forget

Its been awhile since I escaped
But it has found me again
Hanging on my gate
Wanting to stop my reign

It has slipped in
Playing hell within me once more
In my head is an awful din
Entering old wounds I once wore

I am trying my best
To refreign from carving my skin
Putting on lifes kevlar vest
Stopping myself is so frigging
Hard self discipline is at test

Maybe one day I will be free
To rise, to soar, to laugh
Enjoy life and forget what used to be
And finally yell HUH RAHH

Former Member

My life - Torn

Just couldn't help the low standard or the crap within - feel free to comment

I thought I had I normal one
Laughing, playing all so innocent
I thought it part of growing up
To get a slap here, a punch there and a kick

It wasn't regular or systimatic
Just when I done something wrong
Talked back, scuff my shoe, struggle with homework
or spilled my dinner

I feared for the next barrage
I feared what would be classed as wrongs
I often prayed for courage
And seeked help and guidence from songs

Yet among the fear was confusion
Surely my mother loved me
After all she gave me hug after each bruising
Surely it must be true

Then there was primary school
From the first day to the last
I received some form of bullying
Fatty, thicko, one eye, speccy, go on feel my mast

Teacher told me I was too stupid
To do anything even my 11 plus
Constant downgrading made me livid
Even then I tried jumping infront of a bus.

My years at primary left me inept
And they failed me caus ei wasnt a teachers pet
I struggled in life and academic subjects
To which fear of failure, i do fret

I was socially challanged
Believed I was mentally inferior
Thought I was deranged
Going to skin chickens for a career

Then I went to high school
Totally different ball game
I was like the spare unwanted tool
Only this time they weren't tame

I did not fit in
No matter hard I tries
You had the farmers or the culchies
But I was neither - stuck in their demise

The farmers - great strength they had
How many time I felt their fist
The culchies - all fashion clad
From their raging mouths I felt their spit

During this I time watched painfully
As my dear great gran
Died in my arms in agony
From this I raised above to succeed

Just to make her proud
so she could say to the angels
See there my little kerry
Through truimph and pain she will soldier

And then my mother was diagnosed
With all these things I don't understand
In and out of hospital
For something she had for years

From this I didn't blame her
For the slaps, punches or kicks
I just blamed this new thing
For her bad temper and need to beat

She got married again
The bastard tried to say I was his
Two sibling I did gain
The thought of killing him was bliss

Responsibility did fall to me
Hang on here I'm trying to do GCSE's
Often escaped to the forest of Tandragee
To get a moment feeling free

Cooking, cleaning, ironing
Nappy's, bottles, scraming baby
Studying was pushed aside
The fucked cycle starts again - the next day

Again I thought this was normal
I got a part time job to pay
For driving lessons HA
I should have seen it coming

With this I had to pay rent
For what I asked
to look after your kids, house and stomach
Finally mum seen the light

She began to resent him as much as me
Bit there was nothinh she could do
I stopped meself from a killing spree
Whilst I held the baby I did coo

See here I have it
My 'childhood' in a 'poem'
The pieces are beginning to fit
That my life is meant to be torn.

Former Member

lifes warning *graphic*

To my life you made hell
How I desire to make you pay
But in court how would my plea sell
Now that I wish I can kill you everyday

As you can see I'm like jekyll and hyde
By the day my demenour
Makes you think I have taken it in my stride
But at night I plan your torture

Firstly I will begin with sensual starvation
And when I want to play
I will force you into stress positions
And lay my fists into your flesh

Don't think I'm soft
For this is only the beginning
For when I get bored of playing
I will get down to business

I will remove your nails with pliers
Break every bone one by one
Take pleasure from
Ripping your balls off

Then I will start to play again
Putting my cordless drill
Through your knobbly knees
And shave your head just for kicks

But this is where I get indecisive
How to decide on your death
Quick and gory
Or slow and painfull

I could possibly fed you a seditive
And then carry out an 'autopsy'
Grasp your heart in my hand
And rip it out good and proper

Or I can watch in joy
As I hook you up
To replace your all important blood
With embalming fluid

For now this is only
A dream, a disire, a lust
Just you wait for the day
I can't take it no more and you go to hell

Former Member

yet another poem *may trigger*

This is a poem that falls out from the poem i done earlier (my life) when i made reference to an 'older gent'. I have been living with this guilt from some time and reasoned with myself it was normal at the time. he called it 'our affair' as he had a wife and teenage boys to which the youngest was a year younger than me.

Feel free to comment

BEN - is this really OUR affair

When I first met you,
you were just an instructor.
That soon changed as you grew
fond of me - you were quite a charmer.

So it began
to me you groomed.
You must of had a plan
As the 'friendship' slowly bloomed.

Firstly it was kind compliments,
to which i believed and fell for.
Never before had i had such 'special' treatments
even though you knew it was against the rules of the Corps.

Then it was your constant 'accidental' touch.
When i leaned over, stood, in a chair i would sit
even during uniform measurement - your hand did brush.
i was too young to have any wit.

You got friendly with my mum
So you take me home after parade.
So it began - what have you become?
On me you preyed.

You would take the journey of track,
Up a lane you'd stop the car,
To then you would attack.
O' what monster you are!

Not even at the age of consent,
you stopped me from being innocent,
when over the bonnet you had me bent.
with each thrust the deeper you went.

As time progressed,
I became your unresisting pleasure toy.
My life befoer me digressed,
There was nothing I could enjoy.

Now I have escaped,
But you have left your impression,
in my life you partly shaped.
In a way i guess your grasp has tightened.

Never before has anyone known
our dirty little secret
you had me well trained - not even a groan
you effectively turned me into a tartlet.

Its a secret no more,
as I write bad poetry.
Thankfully you also left the Corps,
Even if it meant me leaving the country.

Former Member

New bike

I know its another long one but I can't seem to do short ^^)
Feel free to comment would love some feed back

The excitment I felt for getting my new machine
You see I'm traded my old
For the brand spanking new
As my baby screamer wasn't doing as its told

Forever in bits in the shed
Bits I haven't changed getting few and few
Often thinking it should be left for dead
Then all of a sudden life would spew

Even the 2 stroke smell couldn change my mind
Nor would its quirky ring ting sound
Its most forgiving powerband you could find
To the dealer for a swap it was bound

Got out of work early one glorious friday
Shot down to the dealer
To collect the new baby - my heart was in melody
Joy just to see let alone touch her

In bright red my baby was born
Aggresive lines and purring engine
Delightful mid ship muffler, her funny horn
The perfect match like tonic to gin.

I kitted up all ready to ride
Take my baby yami out for the first time
My heart overwhelmed by a joyious tide
For my yami rode like a dime

Took it nice and easy on my way home
Listening to my engine purr and roar
But I still ended up on my dome
As I crashed to the floor

Its funny how time feels so slow
As you fly through the air
I swear I could see grass grow
I asked against the ground how will I fair

Tumbling through the air like an acrobat
Sun, sky, ground, bike, cars
THUD why did I have to faceplant
Now I'm rolling like an egg down a hill
Sun, sky, ground, bike, cars

I have gone to the other side of the road
Still rolling is it ever going to end
Sun, sky, ground, bike, cars
Ground, pothole, lorry

I'm sliding which must be good
I look up and I see LORRY
SHIT SHIT SHIT
I close my eyes and await impact

Am I dead I open my eyes
Through my shattered visor I can see
The lorries tyre an inch away
Nostrils filled from the smell of his brakes

I jump to my feet to dust myself off
But to the floor I fell down
Oh how my father will scoff
In embarrassment I will drown

People running and shouting
Are you ok?
Their abilities I am doubting
I've just came off do think I'm ok?

Again I tried to jump up and go to my baby
For she needs a hug for she's lying there alone
Injured and needing help - just maybe
Sit down came a serious tone

From the sun came the rain
The paramedics been and gone
Gingerly pushing the bike for we're both lame
Pain I felt none

Pain did come out to play
Along with the grieve for my bereavement
Physio followed to make the pain go away
My mind was till in torment

Two months later I was back on
This time I made it home ever since
Into the sun I am gone
On my bike in rays so dense

Former Member

Just for fun

Just For Fun

One May Bank Holiday
In a land so far away
Well in the arse hole of Scotland anyway
Me and my mates went out to play

Up at the crack of dawn
Sleepy eyes and groggy heads
We ate our breakfast on the lawn
All wanting to back to our beds

We travelled to a splendid river
Wet suit, helmet and harnesses - check
In the cool air I began to shiver
I'm going to have fun - what the heck

I look over to the waterfall of Reeke Linn
Get hooked up and ready to go
By Jeebus my nerves kick in
Edging to the edge oh so slow

My heart begins to pound
THUD THUD THUD
Is the sound
THUD THUD THUD

Half way down I stop to look
The spray like smoke its water like silk
It so beautiful like in a fairy tale book
My fear of heights began to wilt

Adrenaline coursing my veins
I leap and bound to the end
Can I go back up to do it again?
As I watch another start the descend

The fun is only getting started on this weekend
We drifted down the river rapids
Picking up pace, submerged re-amerged bumping my rear end
As the river cushed it become more of a ballad

We reached our destination its time to leave
To trek and climb to the gorge
For more adrenaline would you believe
All filled with happiness you couldn't forge

Over the edge I did look
Gulp the drop must be at least 30 feet
Thinking oh holy fook
This going to be no mean feat

My heart yet again begins to pound
THUD THUD THUD
Everyone encourging me in the background
I began to chew my cud

I took a few steps back and began to run
There is no turning back now
Is this really what we call fun
I yell as loud as my voice will allow

Falling falling falling to the rock pool below
I plunge into the ice cold waters
The cheers and laughter we all bellow
We must all be nutters

Never before had so much fun
In such glorious weather
Over my fears I had won
Its true what they say never say never

Former Member

ride to nowhere

Sitting in the garden all highly polished
I have spent ages perfecting that shine
Lots of love has been lavished
Not to show her off would be a crime

I climb into my leathers oh so hot and sticky
I choose my devil lid for that's the mood I'm in
This heat makes kitting up a lil bit tricky
I start her up what a glorious din

Listening to her four stroke sing
I rev her a little more
Music in my ears it does ring
Hearing my baby roar

I start my journey on the road to nowhere
A roads, B roads and country lanes
Where ever my wheels dare
I know not of any constrains

Left turn, right turn, hairpins, twisties and sweepers
Leaning the bike over more and more
Pushing our capabilities testing the dangers
With some more tyre still to explore

This is what I call having fun rubber side down
With knee down action and trying elbows too
I'm really going to town
While blasting past Bristol Zoo

The funs addictive like cocaine
I ride without a worry
Adrenaline coursing my veins like octane
The world around me oh so blurry

I head home from the journey I had
Clifton suspension bridge, weston super mare and looked at the state of stokes croft
My mind still racing just a tad
The idle purr is ohh so soft

Now its time to clean
To polish and shine
How bright she does gleam
Thinking I can't wait for the next time

Former Member

Emotionless

THUD THUD THUD my temple is pulsating
pupils constricting
nostrils flaring
Muscle tensing
Yet again I am raging
From my inabilities it so FUSTRATING

Grrr grrr grrr is all I growl
My attitude gone so foul
Wiping the sweat with a towel
But all I wanted to do is cry and howl

This is where my problem lies
I find it hard to express my emotions
All I can do is keep them in then they pile and pile
To a point the anger starts its motions

What I can't understand is that I can laugh, smile, joke and sympathise
Sometimes at the right time most often not
But I never realise
Read peoples body language I cannot

I find it even more difficult
When I can't talk face to face
Always afraid I will cause insult
Who's feelings will I graze

People around me just think I'm aloof
Distant, emiotionless or just plain cold hearted
Dark, laidback or simply bad news proof
I try to explain but my frustrations just gets started

Former Member

Death

Was meant to be a poem but that has failed and as a result it is more of a vent outlet;

Death


Like rain waters flowing on a dry river bed effortlessly flowing and winding etching new paths tracing the surface easing the way for what is to follow.

My eyes are the clouds that give rain to which the waters stream down my cheeks. These clouds often tease the said riverbed for they often dissappear for I have only cried a few times more often in death than for joy or pain.

Yet again it was for watching a loved one join the world of the deceased slowly and painfully.

You lay there on what was to become your deathbed rasping and gasping for what precious air with every breath getting shorter and shorter, shallow and weak. The noise it made is so vile no wonder they call it the death rattle.

Your eyes glazing over as you slipped in and out you tried speaking but you were too weak soo much so your grip upon my hand loosened and loosened and got colder and colder as death drew nearer and nearer.

The time between your breathes increased and increased until there was no more your heart had also seized so lifes pump has finally stopped

Even though you were dead your eyes were open and your fingers twitched I guess that's part of the process but it this freak me out with that thousand yard stare as if to why didn't you speak up louder twis is all your fault

To help you reach the other side I placed to pieces of silver on your eyes so you could pay the half way man - for I did not want you condemmed in this wretched place any longer than neccessary

They say your first is the hardest and its true for I no longer weep at watching death at its work for I know he'll soon be knocking on my door to which I can welcome him like a friend and smile while I say come my friend its time we walk together.

Former Member

you fail to see

You fail to see
What your doing to me
You fail to see
That your hurting me
Tearing me apart
Piece by piece by piece
My life My pride My heart
But you fail to see

You fail to see
I've been with each step of the way
You fail to see
I've sacrificed everything
Time after time after time
My past My present My future
But you fail to see

You fail to see
My foundations are crumbling
You fail to see
I'm dying within
Bit by bit by bit
My character My soul My will
But you fail to see

Former Member

I like this poem, you write well!

Former Member

awh thanks big time purple haze your kind words has meant a lot there

Cheers

KD

Former Member

Poem

Why is it you hate me so much?
Is it because I'm like my father,
The man you used to love.
Why is it you have such a controlling clutch?
It becuase I'm like my fathers side of the family,
The one you used to love.

I already know the answers,
So I'll never ask.
I already I can't make you happy,
So I'll never try.
I already I can't do enough,
So I'll never do.

Why is it you leetch of me?
Is it because I'm like my father,
The man you used to love.
Why is it you hurt me so?
It becuase I'm like my fathers side of the family,
The one you used to love.

You hate my way of things
You hate my thinking of things
You hate my looks at things
You hate my laugh at things
You hate my speech and things
You hate my walk and things

When you look at me
You just see him
The man you used to love
You tell me to stop being him
But I am just being me
Not the man you used to love

Former Member

Invisable

I sit here on my own
Watching the world go by
Invisable in the shadows
I sit here on my own

I lie here in the dark
Trying to stop my heart
Invisable in the ground
I lie here in the dark

I stand here staring into the abyss
My eyes vacant and empty
Invisable in the emotions
I stand here staring

I haunch here in a pool of blood
Red rivers flowing
Invisable in the pain
I'll die here in a pool of blood

Former Member

Hey K-Dwagg :wave:

I've merged all of your seperate poem threads into one thread - it seems like you're getting a lot out of writing at the moment

This way we can really see the progression and each time you have something new to write you can add to it :thumb:

Former Member

the nightmare

I lay here in my bed,
Cold sweat dripping,
Limbs like lead,
Stomach retching.

Go back to sleep I do not dare,
For my head is spinning.
I've just had the nightmare,
My heart is now pounding

I have no recal of what it is,
But its sent my mind racing,
Asking what succomes me in this darkness,
The answer never found - forever missing.

Former Member

On a cold winters night

I went on a walk on a cold winters night,
To think things through.
Hoping to gain an insight,
but sense from my mind i could not construe

Walking, Walking, Walking,
The miles pass by.
Walking, Walking, Walking,
As the snow fell from the sky.

I stopped and sat down,
With my back against the fence.
The pain of loneliness is too immense,
In my sorrow i begin to drown.

As I sit here,
Drinking at my whiskey.
As I sit here,
The snowflakes are falling wildly.

Nearly buried in the flurrly of snow,
I begin to weep.
As i have hit an all time low,
I enter a troubled sleep.

As i lie here,
In a drunken stupor.
As i lie here,
Veins pulsing with devils amber.

Blue lights wake me up,
my tears frozen to my face.
I just want to go to the pub,
for I am still in this awful place.