A waste of four years?

Former Member

Hi guys, I'm just a newbie on here, but you all seem so lovely and full of great advice, so I thought I'd give this a go. I'm 21 and my four year relationship broke up three months ago. At the time I felt okay, it was a mutual thing between us, things had turned sour and we agreed being just friends was the best thing for us before we ended up hating each other. I was upset, but felt alright because things seemed to be okay between us. The week after we split up, we met up to have a chat and he got really upset, crying and telling me that us splitting up was a huge mistake and he wanted us to get back together. I stayed strong and said that maybe we just needed a bit of time apart and we could see where things went after a couple of months and he agreed and said he hoped we had a chance. Things plodded along, we still texted each other a few times a week to see how the other was and whatnot, then about a month after we split up, he started getting weird, picking fights for no reason and then one day just randomly telling me to 'Get over it, I don't want to ever get back with you, it was over for me before we split up' when I suggested meeting up for that chat. I was upset and couldn't understand what had caused such a change in his attitude. We didn't talk for a couple of weeks before he texted me again, asking how i was like nothing had happened.

We started texting again a few times a week with the usual 'how are you' etc and he even phoned me for a chat when I was upset one day. Things were fine until two weeks ago, when he texted me to tell me he had to 'tell me something', it turned out he'd gotten himself a new girlfriend, not just any girl either, but one who caused major, major friction and arguments between us. I mean, this girl was a major problem in our relationship but I was constantly told I was paranoid or 'so what if she likes me, I don't like her!' So now, I just feel like a complete and utter mug. The day he told me he promised that nothing had gone on before we split up, but it doesn't stop me feeling like an absolute idiot; I wasn't paranoid. I've now cut off all contact with him, but I can't stop thinking about it and about him being with her. It's left me feeling so low, depressed and lonely to the point where I think I'm going to be alone forever. I thought this was our time apart before we could see if things could be resolved. Was this just a waste of four years? Was I a mug? He clearly didn't love me like I loved him if he has moved on so quickly.

So sorry for the long post guys, but as you can probably tell, its something that has been laying heavy on my mind for a while and I feel bad for constantly crying on my friends and family's shoulders, even I'm sick of hearing myself talk about it!

Any comments or advice would be so greatly appreciated!

Former Member

if its a girl he knows you dont like then he might just be trying to make you jealous and see what reaction he gets, when my girlfriend broke up with me one of my friends suggested sleeping with someone that she never liked to "piss her off" his words not mine.

Former Member

Since there can only be one relationship that lasts for a lifetime, the number of timely limited relationship (disregarding the ones where death parts you) outnumber the lifelong ones immensely. Are all of those relationships a waste? There would be a lot less dating going on if people would just go into a relationship if they absolutely knew to spend the rest of one's days with one person (which you never do know).

So to answer your question: If there were good times in your relationship it was not a waste. It's like saying, I will one day be through this book I am reading, and therefor it's a waste.

Anyways. It seems like he was keeping you on warm in case things did not work out with the other girl, and since he knew he would be with her (assuming he didn't just make it up to make you feel bad), he doesn't see a reason to be in contact with you anymore (except for rubbing it in). Which makes him an asshole.

I forgot what this thread was about. Anyway: forget about him and block him out. The past is the past.

Former Member

samhell11 wrote: »

if its a girl he knows you dont like then he might just be trying to make you jealous and see what reaction he gets

:yes: Maybe she was just an easy rebound? Maybe the reason he's still in contact with you is because it's you he really wants...

Former Member

It depends how you define a "waste" - because even though you feel it's a waste, you may have learned stuff from this relationship.

Former Member

It feels like it was a waste of my time if really he just wanted this other girl the whole time...I don't know, maybe I'm just being stupid but I feel used. But StrubbleS, your right, its time to move on, block him out and start living my life again!

Former Member

Hi kaybee,

Welcome to the boards :wave:

It's completely understandable for you to feel upset. You say this woman has been an issue throughout your relationship, and now he is with her even though he made you feel paranoid about your insecurities. The initial reaction of "it's a waste of four years" is normal, yet as nicole25 mentioned, perhaps she was an easy rebound? Perhaps he was vulnerable and she jumped in as you had previously worried about? Does not mean you are a "mug" in the slightest.

The issue however is the fact that it's always hard to see an ex (and very recently too) with someone else. People grieve in different ways, and while some may stay single for a while, some jump into the next relationship, perhaps fearing they will be alone.

Mending a broken heart can be the hardest thing ever - but it leads to a happier path of being happy single and eventually meeting someone more special. To jump into something else might only leave him trapped, while you can enjoy being you!

Big hugs *hug*

Former Member

Christele, thank you so much for your reply, you pretty much put into words everything I'm feeling.

I'm on the road to being happy single, I think about it a little bit less every day and even though he's now trying to contact me again, demanding presents back and whatnot, I'm just brushing it off and I actually feel a little bit sorry for him for being so bitter!

I'm definitely enjoying being me