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what do you think?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hi, just need some advice please. I live in spain and have been friends for just under a year with a guy that comes to where i live on hols as he owns an apartment here. We were always just mates but on the last day of his hol in january we got intimate we had grown feelings for each other.
He booked up pretty much straight away to come back at the beginning of march. two days before he arrived i posted a note on facebook that i was looking forward to seeing him and out of the blue i get message from a girl sayind he was her b,friend they had been dating since oct. i rang and confronted him he denied it all. She said they had been away together for her 40th bday 3 weeks before, sends me loads of info , phone records and photos of the guy i was seeing. He denied everything still. She even sent me a recording of a phone call he made to her that night (when I called him to check it out) saying to her to leave me alone and him alone and he knew she was only doing it to get a reaction. He arrived as planned and i said to him straight if you come clean we can put it behind us.. he still denied it... i said to him what i reckoned on the situation..that he was seeing her causally, didnt expect things to develop between us, and when that did, figured he´d do the weekend thing not to let her down for her 40th, then dump her. ( According to her, things went evasive with him in january and on valentines day she knew somthing seriously was up (i can only imagine cos he didnt do or send anything..they live an hour and a half drive away from each other) ) At this point he came clean and said yeah thas how it was... so i was dumbstruck but tried to make the most of it, we spent two weeks together... he has now gone back to the uk, but i´m due to see him in may when i go to stay with him.. i have met his mum this week cos she is here on holidays.. but the prob i have is this nagging doubt about him..that he lied to me about seeing her in the first place and then when I told him firmly to not lie to me now, to come clean he continued to lie..but then came clean. I feel that the person i had become to know and had painted a picture of, isnt that person anymore.. i can kinda understand how sometimes at the beginning of relationships there may be an overlap for some people, and if she had never contacted me i would have been none the wiser.. but i cant get rid of this feeling. Can anyone give me some advice please? I dont want to let these feelings bugger up what could long term be a good thing. I am 36 he is 42. We chat on skype loads with video so I can see when he is home and i genuinely believe he is not interestd in her, especially from hearing the message he sent to her but cant get rid of the doubt from those blatant lies. thank you.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you should stop chasing this guy and find another, trustworthy one- I wouldn't trust him as far I could throw him after what you have said!

    What's to say if you got together that he wouldn't treat you how he is treating his current girlfriend?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi, thanks for your advice, just to clarify it, I´m not [I]chasing [/I]him, and he´s not with her anymore.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi meowmix,

    It seems that this relationship is quite complicated. You say you have accepted his behaviour with this women earlier, yet you are still unsure about whether to trust him. It is inevitable for you to have doubts, especially after he has denied it many times - yet you say you have forgiven him and want to perhaps let this work out as it could lead to something long term?

    Communication is very important so it's good that you are talking on skype and getting to know each other better, as this can help develop trust. Monogamous relationships often work better when trust is present.

    Long distance relationships can also delay this trust, yet if you truly feel this could work, then go with your heart and see how it goes. If you feel you cannot get passed this, then perhaps it is important to go with your instinct.

    *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Christele

    thanks for your reply it really helps. I think what got me was that I had it clear in my head that if he confessed when I first asked him about it, I was sure in my own head that I would totally let it go because he´d been given the chance to be honest and had taken it. As it went, he didnt. He continued to lie until I guess he realised that I´d got him sussed. We chat a lot on skype and he knows some damage has been done because something came up in conversation the other day where he has something to confess, which wasnt anything to confess about but I said to him, shit I thought it was something serious then, and he said yeh he knew cos he saw my reaction (face) .. and he told me not to worry that i can trust him 110%. I just said to him, we´d see..... I dunno.. I am very confused, but like you said i think time will tell and my instinct will tell me. Just see how it goes in May! Thanks for your advice and your time :o) its nice to have someone to talk to about it. x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh, and a thought, If i decide to call it a day, is it best i tell him while I am there in the UK or come home and tell him on skype, telephone or email? Its just so odd because of the distance, it certainly doesnt feel like a normal relationship because of this. Thanks x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't go and see him, don't spend any money or time on him. Just send him a text telling him you don't want him anymore.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh my, i woke up this morning at 6am, feeling sick and anxious and just knew I couldnt go through with this, so i sent him an email explaining how i felt. I just had to. He emailed me back saying he felt sick and gutted and didnt know what to say... asked if i still wanted to stay at his, but he would cancel his annual leave (so i´d be sat at his like a lemon while he was at work) until i got my train down to london.... and if I still wanted to go to his work dinner dance with him at the end of the trip to save (his) embaressement in having to cancel me? So i figured then, its best i dont go at all. I´ve changed my flights and am staying now with an old friend, her bfriend and kids for a few days in birmingham then will go down to london to see other friends and family. I know i´ve done the right thing. Its not been easy and i feel bad to think that he feels bad now (he said he just wants to go to bed and disappear) but I couldnt continue with how i felt. Feel like a weight has been lifted. Thanks for all your valued advise everyone... x x x x
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