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can't do this
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've self harmed badly again, I should probably get it checked, but I'm too scared and I don't feel able to drive at the moment. My mum is seriously ill and I've had to take on the full responsibility for her being in hospital; my brother is still in London in uni and although he breaks up next week I'm not sure my mum is going to make it that long and my dad isn't doing anything. I'm trying so hard to stay strong for my mum, but I can't. Watching my mum slowly die is the most painful thing in the world and I can't do it alone, which is what I have been doing.
My boyfriend stayed with me all last week, but he's taken a back seat regarding my mum and hospital and treatment. I can understand that, this is much for him to take on and I don't expect him to sit with me and my mum in the hospital. He went home on Saturday evening, to see his family and this week he has a training thing up in Leeds, which is miles away from me and I’m struggling by myself.
Yesterday I stayed in bed all day; I didn't go and see my mum which I should have done because I couldn't face it. I just lay there and hours passed and I didn't realise. Later I lined my up medication...I was so tempted to overdose because I really can't do this anymore. Today I feel the same, the medication is just staring at me and I think I'm going crazy because I can hear a voice telling me to do it.
I looked into adoption today, because I don't think I can cope. My baby is due in a month and I thought I was getting better, but I’m not. What sort of life is she going to have if I can’t even look after myself? So this is it. I don't know what to do now. I'm lost.
My boyfriend stayed with me all last week, but he's taken a back seat regarding my mum and hospital and treatment. I can understand that, this is much for him to take on and I don't expect him to sit with me and my mum in the hospital. He went home on Saturday evening, to see his family and this week he has a training thing up in Leeds, which is miles away from me and I’m struggling by myself.
Yesterday I stayed in bed all day; I didn't go and see my mum which I should have done because I couldn't face it. I just lay there and hours passed and I didn't realise. Later I lined my up medication...I was so tempted to overdose because I really can't do this anymore. Today I feel the same, the medication is just staring at me and I think I'm going crazy because I can hear a voice telling me to do it.
I looked into adoption today, because I don't think I can cope. My baby is due in a month and I thought I was getting better, but I’m not. What sort of life is she going to have if I can’t even look after myself? So this is it. I don't know what to do now. I'm lost.
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Comments
*hug* ella, I need to leave the office now but just wanted to quickly reply to say I'm really glad you've posted and that there's a text service for support with self-harm that might be able to give you some more specialist assistance quite quickly - 0780 047 2908. Why not give it a try and let us know how you get on? It's Bristol Crisis Support for Women, but they help women all over the UK.
Don't forget that live chat's on tonight - kaff will open from 8pm and so maybe if you can, see if you can think of something that you enjoy doing before you pop along? Could you run yourself a nice bath or settle down to watch something non-stressful on TV?
Finally, these are really stressful circumstances that you're experiencing and you've really come along way. Try not to be hard on yourself as no-one should be expected to face these things alone and feel OK about everything, your mum's illness and feeling lonely while pregnant - these are really tough things and it will take strength to come through them, but I believe you can do it.
Anyhow, this is just a quick reply on my way out...and hopefully others will come along and post more.
it sounds like you have enough going on to try the strongest of people, no wonder you are struggling. you stopped urself last night which shows your strength, be kind to yourself, take little steps to deal with periods of time, eg have a bath, or read a book then watch a fave movie just to keep your mind off things. I'm thinking of you xx
http://www.nshn.co.uk/helpline.html
Their a free number so you can speak to them
*hugs*
i texted them about 2 hours ago.
i feel like i've been running and running, but i can't move quick enough to escape. i'm so tired. i want it all to go away and it stop.
Just wanted to post to give you lots of these *hug*
It's really positive that you've taken this step Ella.
It's OK to let people know you find it hard to talk about some of these issues. I'm guessing it's pretty hard to put your feelings in a text message - if you do feel able to continue then just take your time - you can do it bit by bit or just use it as a way to vent some of the feelings that are running around your head.
Let us know how you are. *hug*
We know your scared , your hanging in there and its taking all your energy, as helen said you ve come a really long, its not easy going through what you are, i know you said your boyfriend is away but can you call him and talk? I am sure he wouldnt want you feeling the way you do alone.
Ella have you tryed talking to your dad? your taking on such a reasponsbility with your mum, on top of everything else your coping with , you need added support around you.
Did you manage to get things checked out regarding your self harm?
Also ella the last stages of preganacy are draining and you will be so tired, try and get as much rest as you can, i know this is easy said than done, but think off things that help you relax.
Take care *hug*
My dad knows that something is wrong, but I haven’t told him what I’ve done and how I feel. I don’t know how to.
The voices won’t leave me alone. I’m feeling lower than before.
I don't think we've 'met' before, how are you doing today?
Maybe you don't have to tell your boyfriend everything at once, maybe you could just try to let him know how you're feeling and that you need him?
I know this has already been spoken about but you really cannot under estimate just how much the pregnancy hormones can mess with you.
dp
My mum died today
*hug* xx
keep posting on here if it helps, and look after yourself. xx
dp
*hug*
I am very sorry to hear your mum has passed away, you have been so very strong for everyone , i hope your brother got back from university for you to support each other and your mum is at peace now free from pain.
Take care and please remember the site is here to offer you support where we can *hug*
*hug*
I've been having scary thoughts and the voices have got worse, I can't see a way out anymore
I think you should get in touch with your GP as an emergency appointment tomorrow morning; you need to take the time to get the support you need for your own sake.
How you doing today, did you take Piccolo's advice about the GP? We're all thinking of you at this sad time. Take care
I just wanted to update on Ella's behalf, she's OK and is just taking some time to herself. She has her mother's funeral coming up and baby due very soon.
I'm sure she'll be back to post when she feels ready.
Thanks Helen.