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Self destruct
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I don't really know what Im looking for in writing this out. Just some advice or reassurance, I guess, so thank you if you do read all of this. A therapist once told me writing as therapy can help you to order your thoughts, so here goes.
I have issues with men. I have been cheated on, unknowingly been the other woman more than once, I've been raped and have been in emotionally abusive relationships. Of the two times I've been in love, both times we ended not badly but with me questioning even my most basic trust values - for example my most recent boyfriend simply up and left in the middle of the night. After three weeks he left me a voicemail saying he'd call after christmas, then he was gone for a further seven. I thought he was dead. I don't know how to block numbers on my phone and he still texts every now and then, still tries to worm his way into my life. Still reminds me why I shouldn't trust people.
So now I'm seeing this new guy. We have a lot in common. He is kind, challenging and funny. He's patient with what he has seen of my anxiety disorder (developed after the above)- my looks and so on. I've talked a little bit about how men have hurt me before, but I don't want to scare him. We get on so well -I feel a natural click with him I haven't felt with anyone in years. Its early days, but a real future with this man is not beyond the realms of possibility.
I. Am. Scared. Shitless.
I'm scared he's going to see my anxieties and it will be to much for him. I'm scared now that we've had sex he's going to drop me. I'm scared I'll fall for him and (in the infinite possibilities that this could play out in my head)get heart broken. I'm so scared of this urge I have to run before any of this can happen. I'm scared this means I don't have the ability to be happy.
I have a knot of tension in my stomach which is there whenever I think about this. I don't know how to chill out.
Actually, I don't feel better at all.
I have issues with men. I have been cheated on, unknowingly been the other woman more than once, I've been raped and have been in emotionally abusive relationships. Of the two times I've been in love, both times we ended not badly but with me questioning even my most basic trust values - for example my most recent boyfriend simply up and left in the middle of the night. After three weeks he left me a voicemail saying he'd call after christmas, then he was gone for a further seven. I thought he was dead. I don't know how to block numbers on my phone and he still texts every now and then, still tries to worm his way into my life. Still reminds me why I shouldn't trust people.
So now I'm seeing this new guy. We have a lot in common. He is kind, challenging and funny. He's patient with what he has seen of my anxiety disorder (developed after the above)- my looks and so on. I've talked a little bit about how men have hurt me before, but I don't want to scare him. We get on so well -I feel a natural click with him I haven't felt with anyone in years. Its early days, but a real future with this man is not beyond the realms of possibility.
I. Am. Scared. Shitless.
I'm scared he's going to see my anxieties and it will be to much for him. I'm scared now that we've had sex he's going to drop me. I'm scared I'll fall for him and (in the infinite possibilities that this could play out in my head)get heart broken. I'm so scared of this urge I have to run before any of this can happen. I'm scared this means I don't have the ability to be happy.
I have a knot of tension in my stomach which is there whenever I think about this. I don't know how to chill out.
Actually, I don't feel better at all.
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Comments
You should reveal this to him a bit more as time progresses. If you think a "real future" is on the cards and he does also, I really can't see it phasing him. On the contrary, in fact.
Actually, maybe just tell him what you've posted outright. If it does phase him...then he's obv not the guy you thought he was.
I'd always recommend a girl to be open about these things with a guy once they can be certain he's actually into them. Guys generally do not have a problem with female insecurities like these, you do not have to keep up front once you're comfortable.
Well then you don't let him know that exactly - just let him know you've got a bad history with guys, have a problem with trust etc and you're paranoid its going to go the same way with him - he shouldn't feel pressed into an obligation if he's seeing you as long term, certainly not an unwelcome obligation if an obligation at all. Basically, don't hide it, but don't express it fully, until you can be sure he's committed to you.
Like I say, if a guy is into you, you can be open with them. Also, this may not be true of the guy in question, but there's a lot of guys out there who trust women probably even less than you trust men so your anxieties may be reflected to some extent in his mind also...if this is true of him, you can definitely relax.
Although it is early days with this new chap, a good indicator of whether he is a good 'un is to see how secure he makes you feel. Everyone comes with baggage, who knows along the line somewhere he might divulge some of his own personal hang ups that would surprise you. I get that it might feel too soon to start spilling your heart out to him and I get that it's difficult dealing with these feelings on your own. A question I really have the urge to ask is, have you had the chance to talk about what has happened in the past? Not necessarily to counsellors/therapists whatever but to anyone?
it just seems like this new relationship although exciting and new may have triggered some insecurities and bad memories for you. if you feel now isn't the right time to talk to your boyfriend right now about it then maybe a trusted friend?
Yes, this is the obvious test to set here.
Like others have you said, you deserve to be happy and you won't be able to do that until you can let loose and go for it. You say he's already been patient with you about what he knows so see that as a positive thing.
If it were me I would get it all out in the open first so you both know what you are dealing with, and if either of you runs then at least it happens now rather than 6 months down the line where more feelings are gonna get hurt and you'll end up at square one again.
If he's the nice guy you say he is, he will support you through this. If not, then do you really wanna be with a guy who just in it for a easy ride?
Never show your weakness, remain detached, and you'll start doing better. I suspect you're being too open with girls, soppy if you like, put an end to that immediately and you'll see what I mean.
I don't have much advice but I am reassured to see it's not just me who has feelings like this.
I would say though, if he knows a bit about your anxiety disorder and is still interested in you then that is a positive sign. Maybe take things slowly (you may have had sex, but it doesn't mean you can't slow things down a bit to get to know each other better) and gradually tell him more about yourself, whilst finding out about him? If things go well, great. If not, not so good. But I think sometimes you have to take a risk, even though getting hurt sucks. One day, it will be worth the gamble, you just have to try not to run too quickly.
Thanks for all the responses guys. It takes me a while to process stuff these days but I'm reading through them and trying to get things clear in my head. It means so much to know I'm not the only on who feels like this.
I want to start off like everyone else by offering you a big, virtual hug *hug* . It sounds like you've been through some truly horrible experiences in the past, and I really am sorry to hear about that.
There are two other things that I immediately wanted to say as I was reading my way down the thread. Firstly, something that you hopefully will have picked up from the responses, is that you're certainly not alone in having these feelings. And secondly, I just wanted to say that not all men are like that. I know it's something that's easy to say, and that your horrible experiences would suggest otherwise, but I still think it might be a useful thing to remind yourself of.
It seems like everyone else has been focussing on communication, which is always one of the most important things in any relationship. I think Spliffie is right as well to point out that opening up about your past can be a gradual process, it needn't be an all or nothing decision.
And don't forget either that communication can go both ways. You're clearly worried about what you say your mum has found out. Have you thought about asking him about it? This doesn't need to mean accusing him of lying, but maybe asking him more about his training and his job. If he's employed as a teacher that may well be an indicator that he has got qualified teacher status.
It might also be worth putting your mind to rest another way. I may be mistaken, but as far as I'm aware there's no such thing as a publicly searchable directory of NQTs. Perhaps you could ask her where she looked so you can ascertain whether this is 'proof' of deceit or not?
I also wonder how you feel about what your mum did, in effectively snooping on your boyfriend? You've called her a 'nosey cow' and said you feel you can't trust her now. It sounds like you didn't ask her to check up on him and that perhaps you would rather she hadn't? Is that right?
I guess that's enough food for thought :chin:, so I'll stop before I make this an overly long post! Just remember, as I said at the beginning, that you're not alone in this and that we're all here to help you in the small way that we can.
I think you deserve some more *hug*s!
Will.
I don't understand why he wouldn't want to be on the register - its the first place schools look to for filling NQT positions. I don't really know how to go about asking him with out sounding really accusatory.
I am so so angry at her for abusing her position, and meddling in my life. She's seen me get hurt before, but she's let me make my own mistakes. I don't feel like I can trust her to talk about these things with.
My insides hurt.
You have every right to be angry at your mum....she crossed a line there.
re your bloke, how well do you know him/how long have you been together? It seems like a bizarre thing for him to lie about and get away with....maybe just ask him how the job hunt is going and take it from there?
Does he work? Do you know for sure he's been through higher education?
If yes to the first and no the second, he could be spinning tales. If no to the first and yes to the second, he's likely lazy and doesn't want you to think he's a waste of space.
It wouldn't be difficult to ask him if he's registered, tell him you've heard of people failing to register while trying to get teaching jobs and see what he says.
I'd suggest so, yes :thumb:
Like I say, he's probably just lazy.