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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi again :wave:

No replies expected, just need to get this out somewhere safe.

So, I think I'm ill again. Well actually - last time I was posting I said I "think", and now I'm a little more sure.

Every so often I get depressed. Well I don't care what it is called, but it is more than just being sad. I get to the point where I am incapable of coping with everyday stuff - or I cope, but cope badly. I have this constant brain fog, I'm unable to think clearly and I find that I don't connect with people normally. It isn't every hour of every day, but it is over half of the days and can be for most of the day.

This is the 4th / 5th time I've felt like this since I was 11. When it starts and stops is a bit unclear, but I know that I didn't feel like this before Christmas. I also know that I didn't feel like this over the summer (shit went down in my family - but it wasn't that), but I did feel like this this time last year.

I now keep thinking (although I am trying not to) that it is something that is going to affect me for the forseeable future and I find that really scary, as I always told myself that whatever I was feeling wouldn't be forever. But now it feels that way. I have ways to cope and ways to feel better, but nothing quite works well enough. I wish that I could know what was causing this - so I could work on that - but I don't.

I really want to be positive about my future, but with this thing hanging over me I don't feel I can be.

:rolleyes:
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you say you didnt expect replys...

    but hey, im just wondering, have you ever spoke to your doctor about this ??x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have. Several times...

    There are a couple of things preventing me from going at the moment.

    1) I'm seeing a Dr for something at the moment, and really need to see them about something else as well. And I hate being a patient with a list!

    2) I'm worried about the impact of any diagnosis / treatment on my life now. I had a few problems with occupational health before I started uni, and I'm worried about what they will say.

    3) The same as above, but in the future. So far, my records are "clean" for me aged 18+ and even before then, the info they have on me is limited (I lied a lot :rolleyes: ) The age may not make a difference, but having a history of mental health problems will get rid of one of my options for the future.

    I have a counselling appt in just over a week, so I guess that might help :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ahh, i see the problems :)

    i feel exactly the same, with the whole list thing, so i see where your coming from :/


    glad to hear your getting the counselling though, good luck xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you are worried about the impact notes might have on your future, there's no reason you couldn't get help without a formal diagnosis. Depends what's available in your area, but I remember seeing my doc once, years ago, about something else, but at a time when a lot of stuff just seemed to be getting on top of me, and he gave me a couple of links to places where I could get help that was a bit more casual and a bit less 'treatmenty'.

    Probably worth exploring, if you can. I'm pretty sure he also said to look on the Mind website for local services, but I never did, so can't tell you how it worked out!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    2) I'm worried about the impact of any diagnosis / treatment on my life now. I had a few problems with occupational health before I started uni, and I'm worried about what they will say.
    I have a counselling appt in just over a week, so I guess that might help

    hey, hope you are feeling ok. i really feel for you becuase i am feeling similar thoughts at the moment especially when thinking about uni and the future. try writing down how you feel between now and your counselling appointment to help you?
    what do you mean about the impact of diagnosis/treatment on your life? *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I had a counsellor once that told me that depression and anxiety are two sides of the same scale - if you have one you are likely to experience some element of the other.

    It's probably only a small comfort, but feeling anxious as you are now is a symptom of the blues, not a reasonable train of thought from having had it a few times. I know it's hard to tell the difference but there is one. You were right before when you thought it wont last forever, in all probability it won't.

    If you don't want to see the doctor or get a formal diagnosis or prescription please be sensible about it, make sure your LOs know how you are feeling so they can tell you if they think it's time to get some real attention. Personally though I think counsellors are worth more than their weight in anti-depressants :)

    I've been on all sorts of meds and had all sorts of therapy, so if you fancy a chat gimmie a PM xx


    EDIT I dont know if this will help re your future employment but I thought I'd stick it on there just in case.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys, some helpful comments.

    Evenstar - I'm probs being a bit thick - but "LOs"?

    I'm getting so frustrated, because I'm not sitting back and letting myself feel like this (would be easier for sure) but even when I try my best to feel better, things don't go my way.

    For example tonight:
    I feel a bit shit, so give myself some time to chill out. Ex then starts talking to me and says he wants to come and spend the night. I was pretty close to saying come over, but drew the line because deep inside I know that it wouldn't help in the long run. Still feel bad, so talk to a friend online. Decide that perhaps I need some person-person contact so ring a friend and we go and have a drink. Didn't last long, and so I'm back here, with the gym closed, feeling like nothing has changed. I just want to scream "I AM TRYING".
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done you for trying!

    And you should be really really proud of yourself for saying no to the ex.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Evenstar - I'm probs being a bit thick - but "LOs"?


    Loved Ones.

    Have a bath, have some chocolate, do some sit ups. What special things do you like to do when it's your birthday? Do that, it's what I do :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have a counselling appt in just over a week, so I guess that might help :)
    I hope so. If I remember rightly, you're a med student? I have talked to my doctor in the past about what needs to be disclosed and whatnot and they were really helpful about omitting specifics when they weren't necessary.

    Good luck. Hopefully if you can keep up counselling on the down-low it'll be enough.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    piccolo wrote: »
    I hope so. If I remember rightly, you're a med student? I have talked to my doctor in the past about what needs to be disclosed and whatnot and they were really helpful about omitting specifics when they weren't necessary.

    Good luck. Hopefully if you can keep up counselling on the down-low it'll be enough.

    Yeah that's right.

    I was also looking in to joining the forces after my training... but I guess that being well and finishing uni in the first place is more important than that.

    Thanks for the info. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was also looking in to joining the forces after my training... but I guess that being well and finishing uni in the first place is more important than that.
    That's about where I'm at, at the moment. You can always redo exams but your health comes first.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have an appointment on monday :shocking:

    I've not had good experiences with counsellors before, but I'm trying to forget that, because I know that this could be someone who could really help me out, but still. :shocking: Also don't know what I'll talk about. :shocking:
  • AuroraAurora Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
    Hey, how are you today? Why not write down everything you are thinking about talking about? Instead of freezeing you will have a list of what you wish talk about? GOOD LUCK WITH THE COUSELLER I'm sure it will be helpful, tell us how it goes *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When I was 12 I saw a counsellor and I didn't know the answers to her questions. I didn't know why I felt like I did, and she kept asking me. In the end, it ended after like 10 minutes (not an exaggeration) of me sitting there looking at the floor in silence.

    I still don't know the answer to that question, and I really want to give it a go, but I don't know what I'll talk about. I mean, year before last when I had another lot of counselling, I had some more bad experiences. I can't really explain it (I just tried =/ ) but he made me feel really uneasy, and sometimes he said stuff which pissed me off. And then eventually he asked me a question, similar to the one above, and I said I didn't know... cue long period of silence, and then he fucking fell asleep and I felt so ashamed, and AHHH SO AWKWARD.

    Someone please tell me that this time is going to be different and it won't end up making me feel worse? I need reminding that not all counsellors are like the above :(
  • AuroraAurora Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
    Oh darn, I write a long reply and it got deleted great, will reply quick this time.

    What was the quesion?
    What do expect cousellers to say or ask you? Sometimes asking uneasy quesions is the way they feel they get to you, I can't say this couseller won't ask you thee quesion, but can wish you only luck! I remember on one of my other users I remember someone saying "Its normal to go through lodes of cousellers, before finding the one that suits you best!"

    Look, your couseller can't force you to answer anything, but s/he MUST have a answer until they do they wont reply , if you really don't want to answer do what I do say "I don't want to answer that" Then s/he will probaberbly ask why just say "dunno" They can't force you to remember. I don't know how old you are but, have you ever tried internet couselling? Sometimes that can help you prepare for real couselling? Tell me your age well if your under 18 or 16 so on....

    Take care PurpleStarFish's friend
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Someone please tell me that this time is going to be different and it won't end up making me feel worse? I need reminding that not all counsellors are like the above :(
    I spend most of my life saying, "I don't know" and it's hard to remember that it's OK to say that but if it's honest then it's the right thing to say.

    Counsellors might not talk much, but that's ok, too they're trying to give you space.

    I can't promise it won't stir things up and make them feel worse, that is part of the process. An important thing I've found is to allow an hour 'cooling off' before I try to get back to work. That could be coffee with a friend who won't ask questions, or just a long walk.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    piccolo wrote: »
    I spend most of my life saying, "I don't know" and it's hard to remember that it's OK to say that but if it's honest then it's the right thing to say.

    Counsellors might not talk much, but that's ok, too they're trying to give you space.

    I can't promise it won't stir things up and make them feel worse, that is part of the process. An important thing I've found is to allow an hour 'cooling off' before I try to get back to work. That could be coffee with a friend who won't ask questions, or just a long walk.

    *hug* Thanks

    I got up this morning and went in with a really open mind... I tried to be really honest but it didn't go too well. :rolleyes:

    After asking me the "why are you here", "what has happened before" questions (so about 2 minutes) he came to the conclusion that I have a problem with anger. I was a bit like woah, but thought, "whatever" and went along with it. He carried on talking and basically said that every person he has ever seen with "depression" has some sort of problem with anger, and so since I didn't know what triggered it for me, he was going to go down that route.

    He asked me questions about getting angry etc. and I answered as honestly as possible although I found it hard to think of examples. Apparently I don't deal with anger correctly, and that I just supress it. I didn't really agree with that, as I think I do externalise anger quite a bit, and tried to explain but didn't really work.

    He ended saying that I could either go along his route, or the alternative was for me to "go and get some pills because I'm a medic I buy into that". :crying:
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    *hug* Thanks

    I got up this morning and went in with a really open mind... I tried to be really honest but it didn't go too well. :rolleyes:

    After asking me the "why are you here", "what has happened before" questions (so about 2 minutes) he came to the conclusion that I have a problem with anger. I was a bit like woah, but thought, "whatever" and went along with it. He carried on talking and basically said that every person he has ever seen with "depression" has some sort of problem with anger, and so since I didn't know what triggered it for me, he was going to go down that route.

    He asked me questions about getting angry etc. and I answered as honestly as possible although I found it hard to think of examples. Apparently I don't deal with anger correctly, and that I just supress it. I didn't really agree with that, as I think I do externalise anger quite a bit, and tried to explain but didn't really work.

    He ended saying that I could either go along his route, or the alternative was for me to "go and get some pills because I'm a medic I buy into that". :crying:

    Woah. *hug*

    It sounds like this dude was lacking in sensitivity and from you've said sounds jaded or quite self-righteous perhaps? Did he actually say that you supress anger? It seems like quite a big conclusion to come to after one meeting. I also think that his comment about the pills is something that you wouldn't be wrong to complain about - it's a really unkind an unhelpful thing to say.

    One of the issues that I think is quite common among people who are depressed is a difficulty in asserting themselves - this can manifest in two ways:

    1. Struggling to be assertive in the first place so that you never quite act on your true feelings or get the outcomes that you'd like.

    2. Having the confidence to assert yourself, but then afterwards feeling guilty about it and having a sense that somehow you were in the wrong.

    Now, sometimes this can perhaps link to anger - like if this is a common pattern then yeah, maybe it leads to suppressed feelings of anger because you might feel that other people are trying to take advantage? However, to me this feels like more of a symptom of the situation above rather than a fundamental issue - because I think you're right ysh - from what I know of you - you're pretty good at venting when you need to which is positive. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Helen *hug*

    To me it just seemed that like he had his way, and it was about me fitting into his way, rather than actually working at anything. I'm not sure.

    I felt myself kept wanting to say "NO, it isn't like that!". But didn't really have the words to describe how it actually *is*.

    And yeah - I think he did use those words. He kept going on about how I try and rationalise it, and then just put it away, without "feeling" it, and listening to what it has to say. :chin: Apparently with my parents, because I never "won" (he kept going on about upholding a truth or some shizz like that, which I didn't really "get") I now don't bother dealing with it and give up :chin: To be honest, I got mega confused.

    He made it pretty clear that he was anti-ADs tbh, which I thought was a bit wrong, because he asked me at the start, and therefore knew that I had taken them previously. And yeah, I don't really see what my future career choice has to do with it - I HATE HOW IT GETS BROUGHT INTO EVERYTHING.

    I agree with what you've said a lot more than what he said :p I think I probably fit into 2). I *am* assertive, but then sometimes I think way too hard about something I've said, or majorly regretted saying something that the person hadn't thought twice about.

    I find myself feeling a bit more frustrated and irritable than I would like, but then yeah, I think it is because I wish that things were a little less difficult :P

    *Breathes*

    I was relying on this, I don't know what to do now. :chin:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *Breathes*

    I was relying on this, I don't know what to do now. :chin:
    There are plenty of options but the first, and most obvious, is to give him one last chance and chalk this up to a bad day. Not easy, but quicker than the others, which are:

    1. Get your GP to refer you to an NHS therapy service, and keep in touch with your GP regularly to monitor your mood and state of mind in the mean time.

    2. See what help Mind can offer you.

    Your body is your own no one can force you to take (or not take) anti-depressants. (Unless you're sectioned, but that sounds unlikely.)
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    piccolo wrote: »
    There are plenty of options but the first, and most obvious, is to give him one last chance and chalk this up to a bad day. Not easy, but quicker than the others, which are:

    :yes: I wasn't quite sure how to broach this, but I think if you go along letting him know how you felt about the session last time and seeing how he responds to that, then you can say for sure whether or not you think this guy does have anything to offer you. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks again guys.

    I don't think I'll be able to go back.... I don't have another appointment scheduled and he didn't really mention it apart from when he said about either talking about this route some more, or going off to get pills. I've been sent a feedback questionnaire thing, so may just release all my "anger" :P on that. :grump:

    There is a charity thing nearby that offers counselling (I found it using TheSite's local advice finder ;) ) so I may give that a go some time in the future. Just can't really face it all going not-so-good again.

    I feel like giving up, at least for a little while anyway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't give up completely on everything, but if you think you need to give up on this guy then that's fair enough.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There is a charity thing nearby that offers counselling (I found it using TheSite's local advice finder ;) ) so I may give that a go some time in the future. Just can't really face it all going not-so-good again.
    I know, I went through all that recently but it's worth it to get the help you need.

    Don't rule out your GP but maybe read up on disclosure first.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey YSH, I was wondering how things are going with you now?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    counsellors ask you stuff to help you.
    first of all, they try to get through to your inner reality via the questions, and second of all, they help you see behind the emotion and through to understanding.

    just answer the questions. theres no right answer. say the first thing that comes into your head, even if that is nothing at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Evenstar wrote: »
    Hey YSH, I was wondering how things are going with you now?

    Hey, I'm plodding along at the moment, so alright thanks :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug* good
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Feeling so emotional yet emotionally drained at the same time. Keep crying. Everything has caught up with me again :banghead:
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