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Constantly feeling the need to apologise

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, I've recently noticed this about myself. Whatever the relationship (family, friends, lovers) if there's a fall out, I'm the one who immediately takes the blame and apologises, even when it clearly isn't my fault.

For example, I had a fight with my on/off fuck buddy about who knows about us where he basically accused me of spreading rumours about us. I can understand he doesn't want people to know about us as I'm not keen for it to be common knowledge either. Anyway, I haven't been spreading anything but he's totally turned it all around on me and I feel like shit. And the temptation to make some sort of grovelling and highly unnecessary apology is soooo tempting and its killing me! It's as if, I'm so desperate to be liked and to not have anyone think ill of me that I'll pretty much throw myself on the sacrificial altar.

The reason this is now starting to concern me, is that I can see myself getting into a relationship in the future where this is the kind of thing I will do and I see myself turning into one of those women who basically gets dominated by a partner and that has never been the attitude I've taken as to how I will be.

Does anyone have any advice, or react the same way??

GB xx

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Are you me? I think you might be.

    I have no idea how to advise you, but I feel your pain :heart:.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my co-worker is like this. I ask her where this and that usually is. She tells me, and apologizes right afterwards, as in "Sorry, I know it better." or whatever. Sometimes it is irritating, most of the time I just ignore it and don't comment it. She even apologizes when there is no disagreement whatsoever, just when she tells me her opinion or something along those lines. It's weird.

    Nothing I can really advise, except just not doing it. You are not doing yourself a favor. You are taking the blame, and people like to feel good about not being at fault and abuse your good will of de-escalating the situation instead of being, "Oh, don't worry. It's alright."

    I guess, it's just some kind of habit. Whenever you are about to apologize, don't... Guess there isn't any solution, except willingly not doing it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know how to prevent this but it's all about self confidence...

    Find a way to improve that and you will find yourself apologising less
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know how to prevent this but it's all about self confidence...

    Find a way to improve that and you will find yourself apologising less

    I think that's true because I do have quite low self esteem. I'm one of these people that says mad things sometimes to make people laugh so that they like me - pathetic I know. I guess I just always feel that I must have done something, no matter how small, to cause the issue and therefore I should take the blame. I think it's also a 'peace at any price' thing because i figure the sooner I apologise and the air is technically cleared, the sooner we can go back to being friends again!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Much as I think Slartibartfast has a very valid point about your self confidence, I don't feel that it's the right place to start. The thing to bear in mind is this: if you keep doing the same stuff, you keep getting the same results. So if you want things to change, you have to change the things you do. Classic CBT theory: how we behave influences how we feel and think.

    So (and I don't mean this in a patronising way AT ALL), much as you're always desperate to apologise for things and bend to other people's wills, the best way to change your behaviour in this case is not to do it anymore! Notice the urge to apologise is there, and don't do it. Do something else. Walk away from a conversation, stand your ground, hop on one leg, go to the gym - just don't apologise. You may well start to find that the world doesn't end if someone gets annoyed with you, or they might even see the error of their ways and apologise to you. Confidence in your capacity to be right and to be liked will come from having positive experiences related to standing your ground, and until you start standing your ground there's no chance of having any positive experiences of it.

    The other thing that might give you access to something constructive here is that people are uncomfortable without boundaries. In any relationship human beings like to know what's acceptable and what's not, what's permitted and what will have negative consequences. It makes us feel safe. When someone we know seems to have no boundaries, and will never put their foot down or make it clear where we end and they begin, it's unsettling. Do OTHER PEOPLE a favour (if you're a people-pleaser this perspective might make it easier for you to take action on) and decide where your boundaries are - and stick to them. Tell people what's not ok with you, and if they overstep the mark, hold them accountable for their behaviour. They might actually appreciate it. They'll definitely respect you for it.

    (for the record, I used to be exactly the same as you. Then I grew a pair, and trust me, life's much more fun now)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Much as I think Slartibartfast has a very valid point about your self confidence, I don't feel that it's the right place to start. The thing to bear in mind is this: if you keep doing the same stuff, you keep getting the same results. So if you want things to change, you have to change the things you do. Classic CBT theory: how we behave influences how we feel and think.

    I think you've just said what I meant. :thumb:

    You need to change the way you behave and think, in order to improve your self confidence - this will lead to you not feeling the need to apologise all the time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys, reckon you're right. It's funny cause in work I have no problem standing up for myself and being quite forward when I think something is wrong that I'm not happy with. Plus my job involves dealing with people on a daily basis who are not very nice! It only seems to be in my personal relationships that I become this doormat!!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I used to get so told off for this at work!

    When I arrived at uni this year, it took all of 3 days before the Common Room President suggested that fining me for saying 'sorry' would be the most efficient way to raise funds. :rolleyes:

    As Slartibartfast says, it's about confidence. And I find taking a deep breath can help, just to suppress the instinct.
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