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Loosing The Will To Live

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
About 4 months ago, my whole life got flipped up side down. I got arrested for 2 crimes even though i am innocent, my mom moved in with her new bf, my sister became depressed, i lost every friend i ever had and i moved house. I feel like everything i have ever know has been ripped away from me, and tbh i can't cope. I feel like s/h again but i know it won't change anything in the long run. My mom means the world to me and without her i feel like i can't cope so now i just stay at home and do nothing. I have no motivation to do anything in life anymore, i don't want to go out and i don't want anyone to come in. I just want to rot in this little hole i have created for myself, but i know i can't do that. Just because i want to give up and stop, doesn't mean the whole world is going to stop for me too. I have to get into some kind of education, i have to find some work to pay half the bills, i have to stay away from town so i don't get the crap beaten out of me, i have to keep living my life even if i don't want to. I have a really supportive family and we are all very open, but without my mom i just can't cope. I don't want to start s/h again because i already have too many scars to explain and i don't want to end up in hospital again. I've tried exercise, drinking, taking drugs, meditation...i've tried so many things but nothing works like s/h. I just need an escape and atm death feels like the only way out. I know that committing suicide will only hurt my family and that it won't bring anything back, but i just can't live with this much pain again. I don't have the strength to beat depression twice in 4 years. :/

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh NeverendingFall, it sounds like you are having such a hard time.
    I'm so impressed that you have not self-harmed through all this.
    You sound so tired from battling on - you must be exhausted.

    Is there anyone in your life that you trust to talk to any of this with? It sounds very hard to be dealing with all this on your own.
    Can you say anything about how you beat your depression last time?

    Really glad you posted, I do hope you can find support here to make things different from last time

    Please keep in touch :wave:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you, it has been hard to not self harm through all of this. Luckily, my mom is a psychotherapist so i have a lot of support when i see her but i don't think she understands how much pain i'm in. And i am exhausted, trying to stay strong for everyone else takes the strength out of me but i know i have to be strong for them otherwise we would all fall apart.

    About 2 years ago my mom put me in hospital for a while and in that time i realised how much pain i was causing her and i just knew at that point that i needed to change. I hit rock bottom and then worked my way up from there, my family removed every single object that could cause hard from the house and i started to see a therapist but that didn't really work for me. I think i just woke up one day and thought enough is enough.

    Thank you, everything is starting to get too much tbh xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Any chance of talking to your mum?

    It sounds like you are expecting alot of yourself to be able to change everything around and get it all right this time - I know I never learn that quickly or without help.

    Also if you like talking on the phone - don't forget about SAMS - they can offer you support whenever you need it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I tried talking to her but she has too much going on at the moment. I guess i am trying to change everything, it sounds weird and it's hard to explain but i feel like screaming for help, but then if someone offered me help.. i wouldn't take it. I think i've just completely lost the plot.

    Thank you for that number, i might try it,
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