Living together - Advice Needed!

Former Member

My girlfriend and I have been living together for the past 9 months. During this time I have had a full time job and she has had a part time job. We both agreed and have been paying equal amounts of money for rent, food, etc...She was talking to another friend at work who had mentioned that when her and her now husband first started living together they paid the same % based on their income because he had a much better job at the time. Since then my girl has suggested doing this. Here having a part time job has always been a topic for an argument for us as she works part time and doesn't go to school or do anything else with the other time that she is not working. She's not necessarily lazy/sits around all day doing nothing but we both intend on getting married, saving up for a house, etc...because of this I feel as though getting a full time job would be in the best interest of our relationship to meet these goals that we both have and for financial security. My fear is that switching to paying rent based on our income is only going to motivate her less and make her less likely to get a full time job. This topic always turns into an argument between us and when I try and talk to her she becomes defesnsive and responds by saying that the only reason I want her to work full time is because I want her "to be miserbale" like me.

I'd really like to get some advice on this topic as I fear that this may effect our entire relationship as a whole. I feel as though she's still in this world where she can work "to get by" and still rely on mom and dad when financial times get tough. Has anyone been in this situation? Comments?Thoughts? Suggestions?

Thanks!

Former Member

It all depends on a way on what level your relationship is at. By the sounds of it its no where near the together for ever what's mine is yours stage.

If you're both in a similar position with work, working similar hours etc then it would seem fair that one way to look at things is to split living costs based on your income. Has the benefit of meaning you live somewhere at a budget that suits you both, which can be a problem for couples with different incomes. If you had two people on the lower income, then you couldn't live somewhere as nice as two of you on the higher income and if the difference between the two is significant then you end up with one struggling to make ends meet to live somewhere vaguely reasonable, or the other living some where far lesss nice than they can afford .

If you're going to continue living as you are, then there doesn't seem much need to change the split of who pays what. If you were keen to move to somewhere more up market then it would be more fair on your girlfriend if you suggested you could pay more towards the increase in rent.

While she's only working part time, and you're still at the split finances stage of relationship then her suggesting you pay more rent could be taking the mickey somewhat if it's happening because she chills out at home, or goes out with friends for coffee and is happy with a part time job. If she can't get full time, or she does a lot towards running the home whereas you just roll in through the door and all the cooking, cleaning, admin etc gets done for you,then she's contributing just not in a financial way and a lower portion of the rent would be fair.

Former Member

Ya, that's make sense. The problem is that we intend on gettng married, getting a house, etc...and at this point I am the only one that makes enough to even begin to save up for any of that and I strongly feel that at this point that is something we should both be half & half on. It even comes down to the fact that her mom/dad still pay the majority of her phone bill, they bought her car for her, etc...and she constantly insists that we get cable/internet, etc...and as though I can live without the both of those she isn't willing to get a better paying job/full time job to get those even though she's the one that wants them. It's almost as though she expects me to pay for those as well. I completely agree that if she was taking care of our place, cooking, chores etc...that'd count as contributing in a different way but she does none of that. Again, she's not necessarily lazy I just fear that she doesn't understand the true responsiblity of not only a serious relationship/living together but as an adult. She comes from a family where everything has always been taken care of for her. It'd be completely different if she was going to school or something...I'd be more than willing to pay our way through and support her but she's not. She works part time, almost minimum wage job, and is just happy with getting by how she does now even though she has to rely on her parents at times for finanical support. We've even had the conversation, just for the sake of it, where she had asked if she went back to school if I could pay the rent, food, etc...in whole so she could "completey focus on school" and not have to worry about the stress of work, etc...I hate to say it but it feels as though she's trying to have a free ride through life. I love her dearly but I feel that I'm being taken advantag of. Maybe we just have different values, goals, etc...???? If that's the case then maybe our relationship is just doomed????

Former Member

i live with my boyfriend. we've been living together for almost 2 years.

my boyfriend earns more than double what i do. however, we still pretty much split everything 50/50! well, i put about 45% in and he puts in 55%. i put in as much as i can because i'm not one of these women who relys on her boyfriend which by the sounds of it, your girlfriend is!

can i ask how old you and your girlfriend are? the reason i ask is because your girlfriend sounds really immature. is there a reason why she won't get a full time job? you mention that she doesn't want to be miserable...well, errr TOUGH SHIT. most people have to work full time. she sounds bloody lazy based on what you have said.

Former Member

Ya, I am 25 and she is 21. I have, on numerous occasions, chalked it up to her being immature which I fear is probably the main reason that she is the way she is. Other than being "miserable" she says that she thinks that it is pointless for anyone to work fulltime because then you "can't enjoy life" which is just awful because unfortunately we live in a world that we don't have the luxury of not working. Her parents even encourage her to get a full time job and tells her that that's just how life works. She still refuses to believe it. Sometimes I feel as though it's my fault because before we lived together she never lived on her own and had the chance to gain the experience or learn the responsibility of having to work and earn her way through life. I guess is what it comes down to is.....I realize that this isn't going to work like this and we've even had the conversation of taking a slight step back in our relationship meaning that we'd seperate from living together but keep dating until we both reach the same areas in our life. Problem is...she says that because of how serious we are there is no such thing as "taking a step back, it's only forward or we break up". I hate that we're in this situation as I love her dearly but I feel we're in seperate areas and until then the best thing is to call it quits for now....I admire that you feel it should be 50/50 as though that's how I feel it should be or atleast a team effort at that. Are there any other options? Suggestions?

Former Member

I could imagine the paying a % of the amount you earn if you are actually working the same hours. She is working less (and not doing anything else, like studying) and is expecting you to pay more?

Judging from this and your other thread I have to say your girlfriend is a selfish cunt. Don't get a house with her, it will just go faster down than a dookie in a aeroplane toilet.

She is lazy and never wants to do anything else than getting her bills paid and "enjoy life" doesn't want to take a step back, but blackmails you with a breakup? Your girlfriend needs the money valve sealed and come down to the cold hard ground that is reality. Dump her, seriously.

Former Member

I also agree with the percentage thing. If someone has no reason not to work fulltime, then they should try their best to find the work. I'd support the idea of one half of the couple reducing hours if children come along until they're settled in school, or if they wanted to study to help them find higher paid/more enjoyable work.

I've never been in your situation, but my mum has never worked since having children. Even when we were grown up she only had a couple of part time jobs over a period of a couple of years and then ditched that because she 'couldn't handle the stress'. It was down to my dad to work fulltime to pay the mortgage and provide financially for his 3 kids. My view on it is it's no way to live your life, once the essentials had been taken care of it leaves no money for the nicer parts of life, going on holiday, home improvements, etc. It also seemed to put a strain on their relationship, I could tell there was a lot of resentment on both sides and from a young age me and my brothers learnt not to mention money as it would trigger big rows between them.

Another downside I've found since graduating and entering the job market is that my mum is just incapable of offering any kind of support when I mention I'm looking for a more permanent career. She'll just pick fault with whatever I chose because the concept of having to work is foreign to her. She's also in general very depressed, anxious and stressed because her life revolves around finding bits of housework to occupy her time, mothering her cats, watching TV and doing the odd bits of cleaning at her Church. To me it seems a very sad existence and I find it hard to get motivated to visit her since my dad's not there anymore. My dad also died at a fairly young age, 63. Obviously this may have happened even if he hadn't had the pressure of having to work such long hours, but he had cancer for a few years and again he didn't have the luxury of falling back on my mum for financial support and basically worked until he couldn't walk anymore.

Former Member

I much prefer the percentages way. If you think you work too many hours, compared to her, you could try cutting down your hours at work or switch to a part-time job yourself?

Former Member

katralla wrote: »

I much prefer the percentages way. If you think you work too many hours, compared to her, you could try cutting down your hours at work or switch to a part-time job yourself?

Why would he give up his (possible career) job, to find something part time, just so he can meet the ludicrous demands of his girlfriend, which aren't even met then, because he will earn less and she has to pay the same amount she is paying now? She can't afford her own standard of living without her parents deep pockets and neither will he then anymore.

Can't agree with this suggestion.

Former Member

Some people are more into working long hours at jobs they hate than other people. Like you say StrubbleS, if he WANTS a career and wants to work fulltime then I don't think it's a problem with her, but her working part-time does seem to be a problem with him? If he doesn't like her, perhaps they shouldn't be together?

Former Member

StrubbleS wrote: »

I could imagine the paying a % of the amount you earn if you are actually working the same hours.

This.

It's her choice to work part-time, which is fine, but that decision isn't made in a vacuum.

Former Member

katralla wrote: »

Some people are more into working long hours at jobs they hate than other people. Like you say StrubbleS, if he WANTS a career and wants to work fulltime then I don't think it's a problem with her, but her working part-time does seem to be a problem with him? If he doesn't like her, perhaps they shouldn't be together?

I guess that's the solution to every relationship problem "If it causes problems, why not just split up?". Maybe because he tries to make it work and doesn't want to realize that there is no productive solution to this.

I do think it is a problem with her, because she wants him to pay for her lifestyle, while she is just being lazy and mooching off others. It's not like she is doing anything in the time she is not working like studying or doing 99% of the household, or caring for a sick relative. He doesn't have a problem with her working part-time, just a problem that she wants him to pay a bigger deal of her share.

You can't demand him to pay for more, just because she just doesn't want to work and "enjoy life", i.e. have her expenses paid for her.

And like I said, she couldn't afford her life on her own, so him working past-time too, is no working solution, because then he wouldn't be able to afford it himself anymore as he isn't sponsored by his parents, as it seems.

Former Member

you could just not agree to the percentages thing. Bills need to be paid, and if theres no children or no agreement for her to be a kept woman, then just dont do it

Former Member

Hi there Jackson24,

Money and relationships are often very sensitive subjects when combined. People have different opinions about what is fair and equal, especially when it comes to living together and wanting to save for the future.

Perhaps it is worth looking at the relationship rather than the actual money issue. Explore with her why she feels the need to still be dependent on her parents and perhaps ask her genuinely what is the reason she doesn't want to work full time? Perhaps she could not handle doing the job she is in now full time, yet giving herself the option to open her mind to other jobs that could be more life fulfilling, even if done every day.
Similarly, does she want to save and buy a house later as much as you? Perhaps in her mind, she prefers working part time and renting for life.

Communication is very important - you did say you spoke about this many times, with no success, yet it could be that she might feel attacked and therefore become defensive - which cannot really lead to a calm and honest response.

Good Luck!

Former Member

StrubbleS wrote: »

You can't demand him to pay for more, just because she just doesn't want to work and "enjoy life", i.e. have her expenses paid for her.

I wouldn't demand he do anything. If he wants to do percentages, do it; If he doesn't, don't.

I think I must be a whole lot less keen on 'the slave away at a job you hate because you're supposed to' mentality. I don't consider myself lazy but... I would prefer to work part-time and other people support me if they agreed to it. Not if they didn't obviously but, if they did I would be well chuffed. And, I certainly wouldn't do 'nothing' with my time, I'd spend a good deal of it in 'quality' chill out mode.

THIS IS AN INVITATION :wave:

I have a female friend who pays the way for younger prettier lads to live with her. It suits them. She gets someone to come home to, they get 'home', until she kicks them out. If the people involved like the arrangement then, I can see it work, don't see anything wrong with it. If the people involved don't want to have that sort of relationship then, well, they'd be better off not.

Former Member

I think the problem is, that this wasn't a suggestion by his girlfriend, but more of a demand and expectation. Which would suck a bit, if I wouldn't advice to break up with her anyway.

Former Member

Ya, I'd have to say that it was more of an expectation on her part. To answer a previous question from Christele....she does want to save up for a house, marriage, etc...as much as I do, in fact, she talks about it alot more often than I do. When I have talked to her about why she won't work full time she gets defensive and says I just want her to work full time because I have to. I've tried talking to her about it from many different angles and even explained that I was trying not to sound like I was attacking her and I was still unsuccessful : ( More so she just thinks it's rediciulous that anyone would work full time making them unable to "enjoy life". On a seperate note She recently even suggested that we seek couples counseling to help with our issues but I fear that this is a bad sign and that maybe we're just plain and simply not compatible as much as we were first off or any more for that matter. I'm more than willing to seek help but I feel if we're already needing counseling and not even engaged then that is quite a bad sign.....???

Former Member

Jackson24 wrote: »

she just thinks it's rediciulous that anyone would work full time making them unable to "enjoy life".

Have you tried suggesting that you drop your hours to part time so you can enjoy life too? Or would she rather you don't enjoy life so that you can keep her in the manner to which she is accustomed?

For a relationship to work long term, you need to be a team, and both parties need to pull their weight. As one of my very wise older relatives says, you need to be evenly yoked. And at the minute you seem to be doing all the pulling while she's chillaxing on the back of the cart, and imo that's just a recipe for resentment and disaster.

Former Member

It does sound like you've reached a brick wall with her. If her main reason for not wanting to work fulltime is she wants to be able to enjoy life, I don't know what your response to that can be. Do you particularly enjoy your job? I can't say I've ever really enjoyed the jobs I've had since graduating, and at times it has made me miserable but it's a needs must situation for me. I know lots of people, especially the economy being how it is, who are pretty unhappy in their jobs but carry on because they don't have many options right now. I guess it's a case of stick it out, gain experience and hope to move onto something more enjoyable in the future. It does seem particularly cheeky of her to add she 'doesn't want to be miserable like you'. From that it would appear she's not particularly grateful for you providing for her either. Has she ever spoken about what she would do for money if the two of you were to split up?

Former Member

I haven't actually tried suggesting that I work part time as well but unfortunately for me I've been working full time ever since I could work and I don't think I'd handle only doing part time. As far as my job it is very well potentially my career and it's a good paying job with plenty of room to advance so I'd hate to give up the opportunity by switching to part time but I definately see what you mean. I'm pretty sure she knows that and probably uses that to her advantage. My job can be miserable at times, after all it is work, but overall I am pretty satisfied with where I am regarding my job/career. I definately agree about being equally yoked and I've tried explaining that numerous times and she just constantly resorts to that fact that she's happy with where she is and doesn't see the need to get a full time job if she's making ends meet (even though she does financially rely on her parents at times). We haven't exactly had the conversation about what she'd do if we broke up but I'd assume that she'd go back to her parents even though she says that's not an option (she says that once you move out "there's no going back") I honestly feel that the only reason she's still a float is because of me...I don't wanna sound conceited in any way shape or form but if it weren't for me we wouldn't be making it. It feels as though I try and be real and qenuine with her when approaching the subject saying that I feel we have an equal responsibility in the relationship and no matter how I do approach it she's persistant in saying that I only want want her to work full time because I have too/do. With her recently suggesting that we go to counseling I told her that we weren't financially able to do it right now maybe after the holidays, etc...and she replied by saying that if it was something I cared about (the relationship) I'd find a way to make it work...I asked her if she planned on helping to pay for it and she said, "well, I'll have to see if I can fit it in my budget".....I feel like I'm trying to compromise and I'm not being met half way....

Former Member

I dunno, correct me if I'm wrong but, I get the feeling that you just don't really like her very much- you don't seem to like her attitude towards work and money at least?

If you don't like her, it's not a good idea to stay together, to work on the relationship, you will only make each other miserable. If you do like her... well, I'm surprised, as it doesn't come across like you do.

When it comes to careers, you say you have not just a job but a career that has prospects and that working full time gives you the self-satisfaction of knowing that you're supporting yourself (something important to you- but not universal). You also appreciate that you have career prospects and that staying in your job full-time increases your possiblity of future work-home-balance happiness.

Can you say the same about her and work? Does/can she earn 'good' money? Yes, of course all work can be shite at times but, does she have the same prospects that you do? Are you two on the same page ideologically? For instance, does she find self-satisfaction in the feeling of being financially self-sufficient?

I don't think either of you are wrong in your attitudes, just that you have different attitudes. If these can't be reconcilled, well, they can't be reconcilled. Do you want her to change, do you want her to think like you and have the same attitudes as you?

Former Member

Just to add, I might sound critical of you above, but that's not how I intend to sound. I just want to point out that if people have different expectations, wants, desires, needs, and ideological bents, that they may well just be different not wrong. And that people who are different are sometimes compatable, but sometimes they're not.

Former Member

katralla wrote: »

I dunno, correct me if I'm wrong but, I get the feeling that you just don't really like her very much- you don't seem to like her attitude towards work and money at least?

If you don't like her, it's not a good idea to stay together, to work on the relationship, you will only make each other miserable. If you do like her... well, I'm surprised, as it doesn't come across like you do.

When it comes to careers, you say you have not just a job but a career that has prospects and that working full time gives you the self-satisfaction of knowing that you're supporting yourself (something important to you- but not universal). You also appreciate that you have career prospects and that staying in your job full-time increases your possiblity of future work-home-balance happiness.

Can you say the same about her and work? Does/can she earn 'good' money? Yes, of course all work can be shite at times but, does she have the same prospects that you do? Are you two on the same page ideologically? For instance, does she find self-satisfaction in the feeling of being financially self-sufficient?

I don't think either of you are wrong in your attitudes, just that you have different attitudes. If these can't be reconcilled, well, they can't be reconcilled. Do you want her to change, do you want her to think like you and have the same attitudes as you?

I hear your point that it is a respectable desire to work little and have others financially care for you, if they agree to it. I - personally - find it odd tho and can't put myself in the position of working a lot to support someone who won't work enough to even support herself, and have this person even make demands like saving up for a house and go to relationship counseling with no intention to contribute to this dreams, because she rather "enjoys life". I mean, yea, enjoy life as much as you want, but don't expect others to pay for it. There might be this kind of people out there, but it's insolent to take it for granted and even be rude and demanding about it.

My personal opinion about this once again is, finding an agreement, which obviously won't happen. She doesn't want her cozy enjoying life bubble to be burst and he understandable doesn't want to carry her through life and pay for her demands. I do understand tho that you try e-v-e-r-y-thing to save something that has lasted for some years and was very satisfying in the beginning, but yea, all good things come to an end and some sooner than others. There is just no meeting of minds in this relationship and you both will make each other very very miserable.