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Physical intimacy suffering because of Vibrator - Advice needed!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year in-a-half. I recently purchased her a vibrator to help her achieve orgasm during sex because she is unable to without it. At first it was a great addition that we incorporated into our sex life. Now, it has become my arch enemy. I’d like to consider it coincidence but I can’t say that I sincerely feel that. Since then, our sex life has become almost, well, non-existent. I’m afraid that I have been replaced. There have been a few instances in which I tried to get intimate with her to have relations only to be turned down. She said it was because she wasn’t in the mood but shortly thereafter she was using her vibrator. I know achieving an orgasm without it is impossible for her and I encourage her to use it but I’d like her to do that in the bedroom, incorporated with us, or when I’m away. I have no issue with her using it, that’s what it is for, it’s just the fact that she turns me down because she’s “not in the mood” and then proceeds to use it. I feel that ever since I had bought it for her our physical intimacy has suffered. The many times that I have attempted to talk to her about it she becomes defensive and says “if you don’t like it, you never should have bought it in the first place”. I agree with the fact that sex isn’t everything but in a serious relationship I still feel it’s an important part of it. I guess I am asking for is for advice from girls or guys who have been in this situation. I sincerely want to know if this is the case. Girls, have you ever, honestly, replaced your sex life because of a toy? Is it possible that that is what she is doing? I’d really appreciate some good solid advice on this.

Thanks!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Please help, anybody? I hope I'm not the only one that has had/is having this issue. Girls, advice?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont really know what to say. That certainly is not good if shes always choosing to have a wank over proper intimacy with you. Every now and again id say wouldnt be a problem, but if its every time then you need to have some serious talks
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yea, I can only recommend having a serious talk with her about it. Inquiring about the "not in the mood" excuse and the getting of with the vibe. Why you are not having sex anymore (you can count up the times you tried to instigate, but were turned down) and if she can imagine that it is frustrating for you to be replaced and that a vital part of your relationship is getting lost in your opinion.

    If she's getting defensive again, trying to turn it around on you by accusing you of something, or just not trying to work on a solution with you, I'd say let her be happy with her new battery powered boyfriend and look for a partner more suitable for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for the replies. I really appreciate the input. I suppose I'm a lost cause to her.....it's frustrating that I can't compete with a toy but it's hurtful that she doesn't seem to care or miss having a real person and the physical/emotional intimacy that comes with a person over a toy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jackson24 wrote: »
    Thank you for the replies. I really appreciate the input. I suppose I'm a lost cause to her.....it's frustrating that I can't compete with a toy but it's hurtful that she doesn't seem to care or miss having a real person and the physical/emotional intimacy that comes with a person over a toy.

    That's exactly what I am thinking. It's hurtful, and it's frustrating. Even more frustrating is the fact that you are trying to fix it and she shows no compassion or empathy for your very valid point of view.

    Even if she can't orgasm by sex, you could always get her off with the vibrator afterwards. If she has no desire to sleep with you anymore I would suppose she is not in love with you anymore.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Give her a break - it's a new toy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It may be a new toy, but she could always use it when her boyfriend isn't around! Vibrators may be fun, but I would never see them as a substitute for the real thing. This, read in relation to Jackson's other thread about living together does make me think this girl needs a serious reality check.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Break the vibrator...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lisalashe wrote: »
    Break the vibrator...
    Or remove all batteries from the house lol x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lisalashe wrote: »
    Break the vibrator...
    Good lord no!

    That's cruelty at its finest!

    Just take the batteries out, duh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How is the rest of your relationship, Jackson24? Pretty much the only reason I would turn down sex with my partner in favour of some solo play would be because I wasn't happy or comfortable with some aspect of the relationship, which made me want to be intimate with him less. I know you say this all started happening as soon as you got her the vibrator, but has there been anything else that has changed or been difficult between you since then?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How is the rest of your relationship, Jackson24? Pretty much the only reason I would turn down sex with my partner in favour of some solo play would be because I wasn't happy or comfortable with some aspect of the relationship, which made me want to be intimate with him less. I know you say this all started happening as soon as you got her the vibrator, but has there been anything else that has changed or been difficult between you since then?
    This is good advice, actually.

    At the end of my last relationship, we weren't having sex, er...ever...and yet I was still using my vibrator on a fairly regular basis. It was because I was unhappy and so I didn't feel like sex with him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Franki wrote: »
    Good lord no!

    That's cruelty at its finest!

    Just take the batteries out, duh.



    Well i think she will notice the batteries gone and im sure she is well capable of running to she shop to buy some batteries.....
    so break it and she cant use it and hopefully she cant afford a new one
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    @ ButterflyKisses

    If you go to the Relationships section and view the posting "Living together - Advice Needed" that might help shed some light on how our relationship has been going. Overall I'd say that it's no where near how it was in the beginning which I suppose is pretty common. We've been having some issues relating to this matter and other aspects of our relationship which I can very well be part of the issues. As far as whether or not she still loves me...I'm pretty confident to say yes because she's usually the one talking about getting a house, getting married, having kids, etc...but I fear that she's more in it for the marriage part...I'd hate to say that but it sure feels like it sometimes. I fear that because she has financial security with me, and pretty much has it easy/her way (again, read "Living together - Advice needed" in the Relationships section to see what I mean) I feel sometimes as though that's the reason she's still with me. Recently she's been suggesting that we go to couples counseling which I feel if that's something we need to do and we're not even engaged then there's a bigger issue and maybe we're just not compatible as much as we thought at the beginning....I love her dearly and I am completely open to the idea because I'm willing to help our relationship but I'm afraid that's a really bad sign.......

    I really appreciate the advice that you guys have been giving me. You guys have been awesome!!! Thanks!!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you're taking second place to a dildo it's time to move on.

    LOL
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there Jackson24 :wave:

    It sounds like you're going through a pretty frustrating time at the moment and that the issues in your relationship are starting to take on a life of their own a bit. It's great that you're so open and up for the idea or incorporating a vibrator in to your sex life, something that your girlfriend obviously enjoys, but it's also fair enough to feel neglected as it's started to take your place :(

    As others have said it may be that the other things going on here are resulting in what's happening to your sex life. It's not uncommon for couples to stop having sex or having it very rarely if there are other issues going on. It may also be that you're not entirely sure what these issues really come down to and your girlfriend may not either, it may just be a general feeling of dissatisfaction that you're trying to figure out?

    On the one hand it seems whenever you try to communcicate she gets defensive and on the other hand she is suggesting couples counselling. One thing to mention is that in fact this isn't a bad sign! Getting a bit of outside help to figure things out is nothing to be ashamed of and in fact it can make a huge difference and could help to fix things in your relationship. Surely she wouldn't suggest it if she didn't want things to get better?

    You might want to have a look at our article on TheSite about relationship therapy to find out a bit more about it: http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/couples/relationshipissues/relationshiptherapy

    Another thing to think about is whether you and your girlfriend make quality time for each other? Often when you've been living together for a while it can be easy to get in to a routine and even though you see them every day you're losing some of the excitement by doing the same old things. Maybe you could plan a date or a day out just the two of you and it might help to reignite some passion between you?

    It's worth remembering that your needs are just as important as your partner's and it's unlikely that things will just work themselves out, you both need to want to make the effort if things are going to get better. Good luck and keep us posted *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jackson24 wrote: »
    My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year in-a-half. I recently purchased her a vibrator to help her achieve orgasm during sex because she is unable to without it. At first it was a great addition that we incorporated into our sex life. Now, it has become my arch enemy. I’d like to consider it coincidence but I can’t say that I sincerely feel that. Since then, our sex life has become almost, well, non-existent. I’m afraid that I have been replaced. There have been a few instances in which I tried to get intimate with her to have relations only to be turned down. She said it was because she wasn’t in the mood but shortly thereafter she was using her vibrator. I know achieving an orgasm without it is impossible for her and I encourage her to use it but I’d like her to do that in the bedroom, incorporated with us, or when I’m away. I have no issue with her using it, that’s what it is for, it’s just the fact that she turns me down because she’s “not in the mood” and then proceeds to use it. I feel that ever since I had bought it for her our physical intimacy has suffered. The many times that I have attempted to talk to her about it she becomes defensive and says “if you don’t like it, you never should have bought it in the first place”. I agree with the fact that sex isn’t everything but in a serious relationship I still feel it’s an important part of it. I guess I am asking for is for advice from girls or guys who have been in this situation. I sincerely want to know if this is the case. Girls, have you ever, honestly, replaced your sex life because of a toy? Is it possible that that is what she is doing? I’d really appreciate some good solid advice on this.

    Thanks!

    What one did you buy her????
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The Jack Rabbit Vibrator
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jackson24 wrote: »
    The Jack Rabbit Vibrator

    DUMP HER
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