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My dad is being an arse....
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hiya,
Well the long and short of it is... my mum died about 2 and a half years ago after a long illness. She wasn't perfect but my dad adored her.
Since then we moved and he met a nice lady and myself, my sister and my brother encouraged him to go for it. He always said "I'll never remarry" and that he was looking just for company.
However once they got together she started to change. She is very manipulative, very patronising to my dad (who at 70 I think really is far past the being spoken to like a child phase), she constantly berates him, they have blazing rows in front of me and he's confided in me his miserable.
However the problem is, despite all this, he's an utter glutton for punishment.
After always saying that I could live with him as long as I wanted he then turned around and text me (Yes, TEXT ME) that he was moving in with this lady and to "make my own arrangements" ie. making me homeless. Thankfully my (now) fiance and his dad took me in rent free.
Then he decided he couldn't be bothered to see his grandchildren. Forgets their birthdays and when he is reminded stuffs a cheque in the post and never follows it up. She then goes mental when he doesn't receive a 5 page thank you letter for the tenner he's put their way within 2 days. She criticises my sister's parenting openly in front of me quite often and tries to play us of against each other. He then spoils her grandson ridiculously, in front of his own grandchildren to the point where he is now "grandad"
Her daughters cannot do no wrong, depsite the fact I haven't been able to stand one of them for about 10 years (we went to college together). She says I am spoilt and then goes and pays for her daughter to go on holiday and then buys her a £12k car.
He usually gives me, my brother & sister £100 for Christmas. He's said this year he's getting me a food hamper with Christmas essentials... which would be great if a) we had our own house b) my OH's dad hadn't already bought all the stuff and c) actually liked any of the stuff in it. When I suggested this wouldn't suit us she had a go at me for being "ungrateful" and told me I could always "donate it to the poor".
Then things start to get a bit better. I got engaged and am really excited about it. My dad met my OH's parents and got on really well. SHE however sat there the whole night with her coat on and then copped when my dad offered to buy a bottle of champagne (something my OH and ended up buying instead). My dad then said, no matter what he will pay for my wedding and to let him know when we start organising it. It wasn't ever going to be a flash affair, something small etc but it meant a lot to me obviously as my mum won't be there.
Now, I know she is going through some financial difficulties at the moment and my dad isn't exactly rich but he's pretty well off. So shock of shocks I got a text message on Saturday saying
"Don't be upset but me and X have just got engaged. Also, won't be able to pay for your wedding anymore as we have our own to plan. Dad xxx"
I'm absolutely gobsmacked. I haven't even replied to this text as I am so upset, shook up and shocked. I don't even know what to do.
It's embarrassing as well because my OH's parents have spent about £1k on us for Christmas this year and have given us a £20k gift towards a deposit on a house. My dad didn't even send my OH a birthday card.
I've tried to talking to him before and all he can say is "I'm happy sometimes... not often but sometimes.... I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it.... I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time" but he won't do anything.
Also, according to my sister my dad is "helping" her out and considering changing his will to leave her everything.
Any suggestions of what I can do? I used to be SO close to my dad. He knows everything about me and was my best friend until she came along. I've tried to be nice, I've tried to grin and bear it for the sake of my dad but I'm really coming to the end of my tether.
Thanks
Well the long and short of it is... my mum died about 2 and a half years ago after a long illness. She wasn't perfect but my dad adored her.
Since then we moved and he met a nice lady and myself, my sister and my brother encouraged him to go for it. He always said "I'll never remarry" and that he was looking just for company.
However once they got together she started to change. She is very manipulative, very patronising to my dad (who at 70 I think really is far past the being spoken to like a child phase), she constantly berates him, they have blazing rows in front of me and he's confided in me his miserable.
However the problem is, despite all this, he's an utter glutton for punishment.
After always saying that I could live with him as long as I wanted he then turned around and text me (Yes, TEXT ME) that he was moving in with this lady and to "make my own arrangements" ie. making me homeless. Thankfully my (now) fiance and his dad took me in rent free.
Then he decided he couldn't be bothered to see his grandchildren. Forgets their birthdays and when he is reminded stuffs a cheque in the post and never follows it up. She then goes mental when he doesn't receive a 5 page thank you letter for the tenner he's put their way within 2 days. She criticises my sister's parenting openly in front of me quite often and tries to play us of against each other. He then spoils her grandson ridiculously, in front of his own grandchildren to the point where he is now "grandad"
Her daughters cannot do no wrong, depsite the fact I haven't been able to stand one of them for about 10 years (we went to college together). She says I am spoilt and then goes and pays for her daughter to go on holiday and then buys her a £12k car.
He usually gives me, my brother & sister £100 for Christmas. He's said this year he's getting me a food hamper with Christmas essentials... which would be great if a) we had our own house b) my OH's dad hadn't already bought all the stuff and c) actually liked any of the stuff in it. When I suggested this wouldn't suit us she had a go at me for being "ungrateful" and told me I could always "donate it to the poor".
Then things start to get a bit better. I got engaged and am really excited about it. My dad met my OH's parents and got on really well. SHE however sat there the whole night with her coat on and then copped when my dad offered to buy a bottle of champagne (something my OH and ended up buying instead). My dad then said, no matter what he will pay for my wedding and to let him know when we start organising it. It wasn't ever going to be a flash affair, something small etc but it meant a lot to me obviously as my mum won't be there.
Now, I know she is going through some financial difficulties at the moment and my dad isn't exactly rich but he's pretty well off. So shock of shocks I got a text message on Saturday saying
"Don't be upset but me and X have just got engaged. Also, won't be able to pay for your wedding anymore as we have our own to plan. Dad xxx"
I'm absolutely gobsmacked. I haven't even replied to this text as I am so upset, shook up and shocked. I don't even know what to do.
It's embarrassing as well because my OH's parents have spent about £1k on us for Christmas this year and have given us a £20k gift towards a deposit on a house. My dad didn't even send my OH a birthday card.
I've tried to talking to him before and all he can say is "I'm happy sometimes... not often but sometimes.... I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it.... I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot of the time" but he won't do anything.
Also, according to my sister my dad is "helping" her out and considering changing his will to leave her everything.
Any suggestions of what I can do? I used to be SO close to my dad. He knows everything about me and was my best friend until she came along. I've tried to be nice, I've tried to grin and bear it for the sake of my dad but I'm really coming to the end of my tether.
Thanks
0
Comments
Maybe you just need to be clear with him and not bring the woman he's with into this and just tell him that he's hurt you a lot recently and that it's becoming too upsetting to be in contact with him as you seem to always end up hurt.
I can understand the embarassment over the fact your OH's family is helping so much and your dad is... not. My bloke's in a similar situation and he's constantly struggling with the fact that for every helpful thing we get from my side his mother provides nothing. I doubt your OH's parents resent you personally for this although they may think differently of your father!
the woman your dad is with sounds...challenging..
would you be able to get your dad on his own for a quiet chat about how much this is affecting you? i can understand them not being able to afford things etc but it seems unfair to let you think one thing and then just to keep changing the plans.
i dont think you can do a lot about the woman he is seeing, other than accept that she is a pretty difficult person. at least you've wised up to her behaviour and know when she is trying to manipulate everyone (e.g. badmouthing your sister). easier said than done but don't rise to it and dont let her win.
My parents are seperated, my dad is 71 and his partner is a fucking bitch from hell ( we used to be friends)
But because me and my dad were sooooo close she hated it eventually over time she has worked it so now me and my dad are hardley speaking:crying: .
I told my dad how i was feeling but still he has took her side, it hurts but u know what i was like oh well fuck him and her there the ones that will end up sad and lonely , i have got my hubbi and 2 kids and i am happy!!
I would never ever put anyone b4 my kids.
Goodluck and congrtas on your engagement i do hope he comes to his senses. x
.... (just without the violence part, yes that more than two words i know)