Do I stay or I go?

Former Member

Hi

I'm seriously new to this and I this might quite a drastically way to get help back i feel like i have no choice, so here goes...Help!!


I have been married for 3 years, together for 13 years since we were 16 years old. We have two children together. I do love him but is it being with someone for so long love? Father of my children love? High school sweetheart love? I’m not sure if we are growing apart but we do have different outlooks on life but we know how to compromise so that’s a good thing. Another big issue is that he has a very flirtatious personality and has cheated on me on a crazy amount of times in the past, which i have forgiven but he still flirts with women now. I don't want to mess up my children because my mother and father had me at 17 and split up so I grew up without a dad. Am I making my own mistakes by trying to correct the relationship of my parents through me? I am a fool to stay with someone who constantly lets me down. He says he loves me but only shows me when I’m ready to leave him. Even if I did go, no one would take us in and I would never leave my children. My last resort is a counsellor only for my kids sake not my own because I’m at that point that I’m convince that he will never ever change and that I will be 50 years old and in a dead-less marriage, kids would have left home and I’d be living with a man I hate.

What do I do?

Former Member

i think you are staying with him because youre projecting your own feelings as a child onto your own children.

I would never recommend someone to stay with someone who constantly cheated.

Theres also no reason to think that you wouldnt find another partner because youve got children. Theres a lot of men who wouldnt have a problem with that at all, and while undoubtedly it cuts down your options, its also no reason to stay in an unhappy relationship.

Former Member

Ouch, what you said at the end there, if you said it you must have some real concerns. What you mustn't do is nothing. Do you feel you can talk to him about this? Or maybe you've said this before to him and he's getting tired of hearing it? It sounds like you dont want to be with him just as much, i would give it some time though, but try to talk to him about it. Maybe you need some time to think with the gravity of the situation you feel for your kids situation. Ultimately you have to make a decision, but let him know how your feeling, maybe think exactly how you can say something without it sounding like an arguement, like how do you feel about us atm? to test the waters. If he asks why you can tell him then, but if not maybe bring it up the following day, in a diplomatic way.. take it slow, allow yourself time to decide on everything you say, as we all now, having a heated arguement about this is not the way to go, because things will be said that aren't meant. Don't know if i've helped, but all the best with it

Former Member

Hi there EbonyPink,


It is very hard to get to the point where you become unsure as to whether it is best to leave your marriage or stay. You say you have children together and a long history, yet you do not seem to be sure whether you are in love with him. As you mention, the love you feel could be for him as a father, rather than as the person he is.

You start your thread hesitating whether you want to be with him and then you mention him cheating on you several times and whether you can keep doing this to yourself. Counselling is a good idea for you both to talk about everything you want to or need to, and perhaps to reconnect in some way - for the children, as you say - but also for you. I imagine after being with him from a young age, and for so long, you would want to try everything possible before ending it.

Does he know the doubts you are feeling? Perhaps if he doesn't, it could be important to communicate this to him. Mention counselling to him (if you haven't already) and perhaps this can be a good experience for your relationship, whether it ends the marriage or strengthens it. The important thing is that your relationship as people, for the sake of your children, is strengthened. Relate counsellors have experience in marriage and relationship problems/issues. Find your nearest center and go from there.

Please do not hesitate to keep posting here as well,

Good luck