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Dont know what to do. (GP's and possible depression rant)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok this is really long but please bare with me. I realised when I was writing out what I wanted to say that I had never actually introduced myself, despite being here for a while so I thought that I would just kind of intergrate that into this post. As I think its important to know the whole story about things. So.
I’ve been looking back at my life lately and I’ve realised that I can’t actually remember ever being happy. Most of the time I don’t really feel much at all, I don’t seem to be able to care about anything or get any joy out of anything. Then there are times when I get really bad, fortunately they don’t happen a lot. The most recent time was during the summer holidays, every negative or hurtful thought that it’s possible to think was screaming in my head. I couldn’t cope with it. I wrote out a suicide note and was planning on, well, ending it, when my sister and her kids came round to visit and I just couldn’t. All in all I can remember three other times when I got that close and then chickened out at the last moment. Before this summer it had been a good three years since I had felt that bad. And then the next day, I always just go back to feeling numb again. For the most part the general emptiness that I feel day to day doesn’t make it particularly difficult to live my life. I don’t find things like going for a shower to take an enormous effort like I do when I’m feeling really bad. But because I just don’t seem to care about anything, I’m severely lacking in motivation and I’m starting to fall quite badly behind in my college work. I’ve lost almost all of my friends, and I haven’t been able to make any new ones in college. I’m really tired both emotionally and physically. I just need something to change.
After a disasterous first appointment with my GP, where all that happened was that the Doctor confirmed that there was no physical reason for me to be feeling the way I am, which I already knew. I was promised an appointment with a councillor within two weeks. Next thing I know its over a month later and I still had not heard anything. So I went to see a different doctor.
She was really kind and friendly. The problem is that, it had been over a month since my original appointment, and all those really bad feelings that I had were gone, I was feeling numb again. And when I feel like that I find it really hard to well, just think in general, especially when I have to answer questions on the spot. And I have big problem remembering the details of three days ago never mind over a month, so I really struggled to explain how I had been feeling, both at the time of my first appointment and now. She didn’t ask me that many questions either, she just went off of what I had said to the other doctor, even though I explained that I hadn’t felt able to explain quite how bad I was feeling. I went back to see her on Tuesday I asked her if it would be possible to get a proper diagnosis. Mainly because I think that Il never be able to accept myself as having a problem, that Il never feel as if I have a right to join things like online depression support groups or something until I actually get a proper diagnoses. I don’t understand how I could know for sure otherwise. People with things like dyslexia or, I don’t know, multiple sclerosis, dont go around saying “yes, I have x y and z” until they have actually been diagnosed. But the doctor said that she didn’t want to diagnose me as I was so young and she didn’t want me to have to deal with having something like depression permanently stuck on my medical file. Which I get, I know there is still a lot of stigma out there. She then went on to say that she didn’t think what I was feeling was severe enough to be depression anyway and that if it was it was only very mild. She said that what I had explained about the few ‘bad patches’ that I had didn’t sound like I had depression as they didn’t last for very long and she said that depression never gets better without medical help (which isn’t what I’ve read on various different mental health websites.) And so if she was going to give me any kind of diagnoses, that she would say, I was ‘prone to bad moods’.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t agree with what she said, I think it’s definitely something more serious than that and surely I know what’s going on in my head more than she does. I don’t think most people who get bad moods can feel bad enough to want to die. But at the same time, she is the doctor. All I have is what’s going on in my mind, whereas she will have experience with many people who have similar problems. I’m considering going to get a second opinion, but I don’t want to risk going to see one of the other GPs in my local surgery as most of them are really impatient and rude and I get really stressed and panicky around people like that. But I don’t know of anywhere else I can go. She asked me to go back and see her in two weeks, so I might just go along and ask her if we can start from the beginning. As if this was the first time we had met so that we could go through the whole questioning process again. I don’t know if I can keep coping with everything for the weeks or months that it might take for me to finally get an appointment with the councillor. Hopefully if the doctor finally realises that this is something serious then I might get an appointment quicker. But then what if the doctor never changes her mind? I don’t know what to do.
Sorry I know it’s really long and more of a ramble then a question, but I don’t have anyone else to turn to.
I’ve been looking back at my life lately and I’ve realised that I can’t actually remember ever being happy. Most of the time I don’t really feel much at all, I don’t seem to be able to care about anything or get any joy out of anything. Then there are times when I get really bad, fortunately they don’t happen a lot. The most recent time was during the summer holidays, every negative or hurtful thought that it’s possible to think was screaming in my head. I couldn’t cope with it. I wrote out a suicide note and was planning on, well, ending it, when my sister and her kids came round to visit and I just couldn’t. All in all I can remember three other times when I got that close and then chickened out at the last moment. Before this summer it had been a good three years since I had felt that bad. And then the next day, I always just go back to feeling numb again. For the most part the general emptiness that I feel day to day doesn’t make it particularly difficult to live my life. I don’t find things like going for a shower to take an enormous effort like I do when I’m feeling really bad. But because I just don’t seem to care about anything, I’m severely lacking in motivation and I’m starting to fall quite badly behind in my college work. I’ve lost almost all of my friends, and I haven’t been able to make any new ones in college. I’m really tired both emotionally and physically. I just need something to change.
After a disasterous first appointment with my GP, where all that happened was that the Doctor confirmed that there was no physical reason for me to be feeling the way I am, which I already knew. I was promised an appointment with a councillor within two weeks. Next thing I know its over a month later and I still had not heard anything. So I went to see a different doctor.
She was really kind and friendly. The problem is that, it had been over a month since my original appointment, and all those really bad feelings that I had were gone, I was feeling numb again. And when I feel like that I find it really hard to well, just think in general, especially when I have to answer questions on the spot. And I have big problem remembering the details of three days ago never mind over a month, so I really struggled to explain how I had been feeling, both at the time of my first appointment and now. She didn’t ask me that many questions either, she just went off of what I had said to the other doctor, even though I explained that I hadn’t felt able to explain quite how bad I was feeling. I went back to see her on Tuesday I asked her if it would be possible to get a proper diagnosis. Mainly because I think that Il never be able to accept myself as having a problem, that Il never feel as if I have a right to join things like online depression support groups or something until I actually get a proper diagnoses. I don’t understand how I could know for sure otherwise. People with things like dyslexia or, I don’t know, multiple sclerosis, dont go around saying “yes, I have x y and z” until they have actually been diagnosed. But the doctor said that she didn’t want to diagnose me as I was so young and she didn’t want me to have to deal with having something like depression permanently stuck on my medical file. Which I get, I know there is still a lot of stigma out there. She then went on to say that she didn’t think what I was feeling was severe enough to be depression anyway and that if it was it was only very mild. She said that what I had explained about the few ‘bad patches’ that I had didn’t sound like I had depression as they didn’t last for very long and she said that depression never gets better without medical help (which isn’t what I’ve read on various different mental health websites.) And so if she was going to give me any kind of diagnoses, that she would say, I was ‘prone to bad moods’.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t agree with what she said, I think it’s definitely something more serious than that and surely I know what’s going on in my head more than she does. I don’t think most people who get bad moods can feel bad enough to want to die. But at the same time, she is the doctor. All I have is what’s going on in my mind, whereas she will have experience with many people who have similar problems. I’m considering going to get a second opinion, but I don’t want to risk going to see one of the other GPs in my local surgery as most of them are really impatient and rude and I get really stressed and panicky around people like that. But I don’t know of anywhere else I can go. She asked me to go back and see her in two weeks, so I might just go along and ask her if we can start from the beginning. As if this was the first time we had met so that we could go through the whole questioning process again. I don’t know if I can keep coping with everything for the weeks or months that it might take for me to finally get an appointment with the councillor. Hopefully if the doctor finally realises that this is something serious then I might get an appointment quicker. But then what if the doctor never changes her mind? I don’t know what to do.
Sorry I know it’s really long and more of a ramble then a question, but I don’t have anyone else to turn to.
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Comments
Hope actually getting things out helped a bit - writing things down can be really helpful therapy in itself - helps you get things more in perspective. Do you keep a diary or journal or anything. Something like that can really help some people get through difficult times. Not only can it help give you perspective and take you out of yourself when you are low but it can also act as a 'message to yourself' when you are feeling depressed. Reading back at times when you wrote when you were feeling more on top of things can remind you that the really low feelings don't define you.
One thing I think it's worth bearing in mind is that, when you're feeling low and having a depressive period, it's easy to forget the times when things were better. The fog of feeling low gets in the way of it, bounces negative thoughts back to you and, as a result, you not only feel low but, because of the depressive feelings at that moment, you feel very negative about your life in general and feel like you have always been low. Its a horribly negative cycle and one that is very hard to step outside of - but being aware of how depressive feelings can warp your thoughts about everything can help.
I think there are two things that you might want to think about here. Firstly, do try again with your GP - her or another one. Different GPs do have different attitudes and understanding of mental health, so it is worth trying to find someone you are comfortable with and who you feel understands you.
You say that you had trouble explaining to her how you felt - this is really common when feelings come and go and it's hard to explain how bad you felt in the past without feeling awkward. Something that people often find useful is writing things down - could you give your GP something like this post - or your own version, explaining in your own words how you feel when things are bad and how you don't feel satisfied with what the GP has said so far and why. You can then give this to your GP in the appointment and ask them to read it. They will be more than happy to do this if you explain that you feel you can communicate better this way.
Secondly you have every right to get support from wherever you need it - whether you have an official diagnosis or not. Rest assured that many many people get support from all sorts of sources to help them try and overcome the feelings they have, whether they have a diagnosis or not. What you feel is one hundred percent valid and of course you want to try and help yourself feel better, with whatever support works. So please feel free to keep posting here and accessing support wherever you need it. We have information on depression which you may have seen and Mind have some great resources too. You can also access online CBT treatment at Mood Gym which some people find useful. You say you have been reading and researching info online already which is great - it's generally held that reading about and increasing your knowledge and understanding of depression and the feelings it involves can help you to understand it as something separate from yourself and therefore start to manage it.
Big hugs and let us know how you get on *hug*
I am going back to see my doctor, I've got an appointment a week tomorrow. I'l check out those links you gave me, ta. I think I will try and write out a letter or something for her to read, thats a good idea, thanks. Actually, I might see if its possible to hand it in at reception at the start of the week or something and get her to read it before my appointment. But I dont know, she might not have time. Would I be allowed to do something like that? That way I wouldnt have to watch her reaction to it. Ooh or, I could ask to stand outside while she reads it. That might work. Cool, brainwave. Thanks. :d I love little lightbulb moments. Sadly I dont get them very much anymore.
EDIT: Btw, Im sorry it was such a long post, I just couldnt seem to stop writing once I started.
I'm new to this, and I came across your post. I suffer a lot, of what you've got. I've had depression, (I've never been diagnosed) with it, but you can't tell me.. That depression is having bad moods, it's about feeling not right inside, feeling hollow, and feeling the desire to commit suicide. I've been suffering this since 12 and I'm 18 now. I'm also a self harmer, not to extreme, and not all the time. It's one of these things, you have to fight throughout life. I do have advice, I consider my depression/self harming the bad side of me, and I want to fight it, because I don't wan it taking over me, and making me look weak, sometimes I give in and relapse, but all you can do is keep trying. If you ever wanna chat about something, just leave me a message. I do have Instant Messenger/s. But, I think you should go try out a few different doctors, maybe someone that understands Mental health issues, because the more you go too, you can sit down, and think which one helped me better, which one do I like better, or who's going to help me better? I'm Rachel btw
Keep strong! Take care, Rachel :hug: