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Shall I Leave?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello,

I am looking for some advice about some problems I'm having at the moment. Sorry for the long post!

I am 25 years old with a girlfriend who is 21. We've been together for nearly five years and after living apart, I was persuaded to move into her house (which she shares with her family) about 1 1/2 years ago.

We've always had somewhat of an up and down relationship. Sometimes we really get along and I feel content, yet other times she can change in an instant. At different times, it has ranged from unfounded accusations about cheating on her, to not being allowed to listen to modern female singers (because she thinks they are a threat), to screaming at me in the street at me if she gets annoyed and plenty more other things. I have thought about leaving her on countless occasions yet I've found it really difficult because we can be at each other's throats one morning and be laughing happily together by the afternoon. I do really care about her, as she's not a bad person and I want her to be happy.

When I moved in, it involved me giving up my full time job and moving from my parent's house. It was a big step but at the time, I thought it was best in order to be closer (as we could only see each other during the weekend) and to stop us arguing. We planned to stay there for a little while and then buy somewhere together. My girlfriend's family are generally nice people but our families are quite different. With my family, they regularly make sure the house is clean and take lots of pride in the things they do, where as with her family, they are a lot more relaxed and don't really do any cleaning, don't instill much discipline in their children, don't flush the toilet etc. Therefore by moving there, I've been living in a very different way which has made me really uncomfortable.

All of this I could cope with if I felt happier in other ways, as I appreciate people live in different ways and it's up to them what they do. However, my girlfriend doesn't make life any easier for me there, despite knowing how I feel about the above. For example, if we argue, she'll carelessly shout loudly so everyone can hear the argument. I've told her so many times about how uncomfortable it makes me feel, but it still happens. I'm quite a sensitive person, so then when I next see her family, they don't say anything but I end up feeling really awkward.

For the last six months, I've had quite bad health anxiety which led to a few visits to the doctors. They don't think there's anything wrong with me but I experience pains which are definitely worsened through stress. Despite knowing this and telling her how she's adding to my stress, she makes very little effort to make me feel any better and will still relentlessly argue about any little thing that matters to her. If I tell her about what the stress is doing to me, she doesn't show any care or consideration.

She has a full time job that pays really well, so she's been able to save up a deposit for a house quite quickly. Unfortunately, from a financially failed business venture from before I knew her, I have some debt (nothing too awful) and only a part-time (work at home) job, which covers my bills, but doesn't allow for any saving. I know I need to be earning more money, but I find that since I moved there, my motivation has just been crushed. Likewise, sexually our relationship is non-existent, which she often complains about. It's not about not fancying her (which she always thinks) but I just feel so frustrated and unmotivated.

All of this has made me feel quite homesick. Every now and again, I like to go home for a few days just to get away from it all for a bit and feel comfortable, even getting incredible buzzes of enjoyment for being able to sit on a clean toilet! However, if I ever want to go home, it's always met with arguing about how that must mean I don't want her etc. If I do manage to get away, I always get lots of texts and phone calls just looking to argue, as she gets convinced that by me being here, must mean I don't want her anymore. I realise she's very insecure, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable to go home about once a month, especially considering I live with her family. I'm sure if it was the other way round, she'd be the same, but she doesn't seem to want to look at it from any point of view other than how it personally affects her.

My thoughts are that living in her family's house obviously causes a lot of friction and stress. If we did end up buying somewhere together, then I think we'd be happier in that aspect. It would all be in her name because of the money, so I wouldn't necessarily be committing to anything legally, but it would be harder to leave, especially if it's not near her family. However, before I moved to her house, our relationship was still up and down and I'm not naive enough to think that moving would magically solve all of our problems. I know how temperamental she is and I have a pretty good idea of how things would be. The sensible side of me wonders why I keep putting up with it all and thinks I'd be better off without her, but then if I did leave and go back home, I know I'd get relentless phone calls, letters, personal visits and all sorts and I'd end up feeling so guilty.

Also, moving back would be awkward. I have all of my belongings there but her family are often at home too (plus she has more family living next door!) and the last thing I want is a confrontation about why I'm putting all of my things in the car. On top of that, my parents were quite against me moving there to begin with (perhaps they did know best after all!) and I feel like if I go back, then I couldn't later change my mind, so it has to be final.

As I'm writing this, it seems clear that I shouldn't be with her just out of guilt, but it's hard to get out of this cycle which is why I'm asking for some advice. I've probably painted a picture of a life of misery, but I am sometimes genuinely happy with her, but for a proper relationship to work, shouldn't I be feeling somewhat different to the way I am?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds to me like the relationship is drawing to a close. Your priorities and lives seem different. She doesnt sound like she would be the kind of person youd be comfortable with long term. Maybe it would be different if you just lived the two of you, but maybe it wouldnt. Living with her parents is bound to put added stress on the relationship though
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey LuckyCoupon,

    I hope writing things down got you some perspective, sometimes it can be one of the most useful ways to get a bit of distance and see things from a new angle.

    The first thing to bear in mind is that relationships do take work and management - so you shouldn't feel that just because everything isn't one hundred percent, that something is unfixably wrong. Living with parents is bound to cause stress as SuzyCreamCheese says and it might be that this stress is adding to and exaggerating other issues. If you do want to try and work on the relationship, there are ways that you can think about approaching this to try and do so.

    One thing that struck me is that you said you felt as though, if you did choose to move home, it had to be final. Do you think this is adding unnecessary boundaries to your decision? Could it be that, actually, you both might benefit from living apart for a while, working on the other elements that are troubling you, and seeing if this improves things. Then, at that stage, you can make a decision about moving in together again - either renting or buying. It's likely that if you explain to her parents and yours that you have been having some problems and want to try living apart for a while so you have time to think about and work on them before committing to living together alone, that they would understand this decision.

    Have you talk to her, openly about everything you've written here? You're clearly a good writer and communicate your concerns and issues well through writing so perhaps, if you felt uncomfortable talking initially, you could craft her a letter which explains your concerns and asks her to help work with you on improving them. In a way, letters can be good ways of communicating as the person has a chance to read them and think about them before responding - and therefore has a chance to get over the initial uncontrolled emotional reaction at being told something is wrong - which can be what turns discussions into arguments. If you reassure her that you do care for her and want to put some time into making it work then maybe she will feel less insecure and upset by what you do think is wrong.

    If you'd rather talk face to face straight away, you might find it useful to look at our article on Communicating as a Couple which explores the best way to communicate effectively with your partner. Techniques such as the ten minute technique, where you each get 10 minutes to talk without interruption, then you spend 10 minutes trying to come to some compromises and steps going forward can be a useful way of managing a conflict and getting through it without it turning into an argument.

    Hope that helps a bit... let us know how you get on :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your replies, they are most appreciated.

    To answer your questions, there is nothing in my original post that she doesn't know. It feels like despite me telling her all of this, she doesn't seem to care or even understand. For example, I'll be stressed out about something she does and then she'll later start pestering me about getting married, having children etc.

    The living separately idea isn't bad, but it would be so awkward having to explain that to both sets of parents.

    I understand she is insecure and that's partly why I would be riddled with guilt if I do end up having to leave her. However, I don't know what else I can do, as communicating this far hasn't helped.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just had to reply because I feel I am in a very similar situation.

    I think I have also developed some sort of anxiety issue in the last year. I have had pains too which I now know are psychosomatic, they are created or made much worse by the mind. When something is not right in your life your subconscious can create pain so you have something else to focus on, this is clearly something you need to address! I know this sounds like hippy shit (I’m as science orientated as they come!), but I believe the mind can have very negative effects on your body.

    Our sexual relationship is very weak too which she also complains about. I’m not sure why, but I seem to become turned OFF in the situation, I still love her and fancy her, but something in my mind somewhere does not want to. It used to be the other way round, I was always looking for sex, but maybe someone can only try so many times before the barriers go up from frustration and rejection.

    To be honest your situation sounds a bit ‘worst’ than mine, I think you definitely need to move out and see how it goes. It must be hard to explain to the parents, but can’t you just make up a reason for moving out? Say you want to move back to find a full time job or something. They know you are both young, I am sure they won’t judge. I don’t know your family, but your parents may be pleased your back, and your GF parents may be pleased there are less people in the house.

    Also I wouldn’t consider buying together until (If) you have lived together on your own in rented accom.

    If you do decide to break up, try not to feel guilty, she will be very upset, but she will get over it, she is still young.

    Good luck and please keep us updated if possible.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sennheiser wrote: »
    I just had to reply because I feel I am in a very similar situation.

    I think I have also developed some sort of anxiety issue in the last year. I have had pains too which I now know are psychosomatic, they are created or made much worse by the mind. When something is not right in your life your subconscious can create pain so you have something else to focus on, this is clearly something you need to address! I know this sounds like hippy shit (I’m as science orientated as they come!), but I believe the mind can have very negative effects on your body.

    Our sexual relationship is very weak too which she also complains about. I’m not sure why, but I seem to become turned OFF in the situation, I still love her and fancy her, but something in my mind somewhere does not want to. It used to be the other way round, I was always looking for sex, but maybe someone can only try so many times before the barriers go up from frustration and rejection.

    To be honest your situation sounds a bit ‘worst’ than mine, I think you definitely need to move out and see how it goes. It must be hard to explain to the parents, but can’t you just make up a reason for moving out? Say you want to move back to find a full time job or something. They know you are both young, I am sure they won’t judge. I don’t know your family, but your parents may be pleased your back, and your GF parents may be pleased there are less people in the house.

    Also I wouldn’t consider buying together until (If) you have lived together on your own in rented accom.

    If you do decide to break up, try not to feel guilty, she will be very upset, but she will get over it, she is still young.

    Good luck and please keep us updated if possible.

    Hello,

    Yes I've been reading into that a lot. In my case, it's persistent abdominal pain which all started when I was really stressed out with health anxiety. The doctor doesn't anything medical is to blame and thinks it might be IBS or something like that. All I know is that when I'm stressed, the pains worsen.

    Likewise, at the start of our relationship I was far keener on the sexual side of things, but that's dwindled now. She is always talking about us doing stuff, but I feel so put off due to her personality and I feel like I can't "bond" like that with someone when all this other stuff is going on.

    I understand what you say about moving out. I even considered over the weekend moving back and then going back to seeing her just at weekends (this is how relationship was originally) but I have the feeling that if I went home, I wouldn't want to do that. I know that if I do leave her, then I'm going to find it so tough because I will feel guilty and I hate the idea of her being upset.

    I also don't want the living conditions being a big factor. They really affect me, I know that, but if the relationship was solid, I would put up with them and be keen to move etc. However, because it's not solid, it makes things worse.

    If someone came to me asking exactly what I've asked on here, I'd be giving out the same advice, but it's so difficult when you don't know what to do for the best.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know that if I do leave her, then I'm going to find it so tough because I will feel guilty and I hate the idea of her being upset.

    I found some information on delaying a relationhsip break up out of guilt which you might find useful to read. Obviously, there are other factors here too - but if you feel that the main reason you are still with her is guilt then it might contain some ways of thinking which might make it easier;

    "Most breakups aren’t mutual. Many of us are familiar with the sense of rejection and loss when a partner chooses to leave. You might also be familiar with the difficulty of being the one to initiate the breakup. Sometimes ending a relationship can be so hard that we put it off for days, weeks, and even years. Many people get stuck in this stage, and one major reason for this is an overwhelming sense of guilt.

    Relationships end. They end all the time and for all sorts of reasons. Despite our best intentions, sometimes people just aren’t compatible, or they have different life paths. In fact, most people don’t find “the one” until after a series of “failed” relationships. Ending a relationship doesn’t make you a bad person, even if you fear that your partner will see you that way.

    Too often, we stay long after we know we should leave, because we can’t stand to abandon someone we still care about. The thoughts cycle through our head:

    “I don’t want to hurt her”
    “I feel responsible for him”
    “I can’t stand to make her cry”
    “He’s not going to be able to cope without me”
    “She’s such a good person and doesn’t deserve to have her heart broken”
    “He doesn’t have a good social support system to get him through this”
    “She’s going to hate me forever”
    These feelings are natural, and show that you’re a caring, compassionate person. However, this desire to protect your partner can keep you living a lie. You owe your partner honesty and respect; you don’t owe him or her continued devotion when the relationship has expired in your heart and mind.

    It can be especially difficult when you make a promise to your partner, and it conflicts with what your heart is telling you. For example, what if you’re engaged, and you develop strong feelings that the engagement is a mistake?

    I can’t tell you what to do in circumstances like that — major life decisions need to be taken on a case-by-case basis. However, I can say that the feelings of regret and second-thoughts need to be brought out in the open with your partner. Otherwise, the feelings will build, and you may come to unfairly resent your partner. Don’t let guilty feelings silence you.

    If you’re delaying a breakup, remember:

    1. Heartbreak is a fact of life

    As sad as it seems, we all sign-up for the possibility of heartbreak when we go into a relationship. In fact, most relationships end in some form of painful feelings. It’s futile to try to protect people from this, and any attempt to do so will only result in more pain. In a way, heartbreak is a beautiful thing: It shows us how vulnerable we are, and it makes the good times that much better.

    2. If the roles were switched, you’d want to know ASAP

    Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who secretly desires a breakup? You deserve someone who wants to be with you, and so does your partner.

    3. You’re wasting both your time and your partner’s time

    You’re only becoming more invested as you stay. You’re also taking up your partner’s time when he or she should be on the road to healing.

    4. Nobody should have to fake their feelings

    Withholding your feelings or pretending that everything is OK is stressful for you. What’s more, your partner can probably sense that something’s wrong. Once you finally drop the news, it will be obvious that you weren’t acting authentic for a long time. It will be painful when your partner realizes that you were “faking it” for him or her."

    Hugs *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My general rule of thumb is: Don't date the crazies.

    For example the you can't listen to modern female singers thing. It doesn't really have to restrict you in your freedoms, maybe you don't even like that kind of music, but it's a matter of principle to me. If someone tries to forbid me something petty, everyone should be allowed to choose freely, I get irritated. More often than not, it is not only just this distinctive thing (like listening to female singers), but a whole lot more complex issue that creates problems in other areas as well (i.e. self-esteem issues and jealousy --> She doesn't want you to go home, because she thinks you don't like her.)

    And the worst part is, that you are unable to communicate this to her. You are telling her about your stress and that it makes you uncomfortable that she is arguing with you in a very loud tone, but she is inconsiderate.

    Basically, this is no healthy grounds for a relationship. I hear you about the, "we can argue and laugh happily just a few hours afterwards.", but if you wouldn't laugh, but just "carry on" it would be a dead end anyway, and since relationships are there to kinda "improve" your life (in very simple terms), then I don't see much of an improvement to being single when arguing and happy times seem to be in equilibrium.

    How I see things: You don't feel well, you try to communicate that to her, she does not consider this. Does not see something going wrong. Blames only you, not herself. No outlook for lasting solution to the issues or improvement of the situation, since she wouldn't see being herself at fault, and lastly, she having terrible issues she is not realizing or repressing and is taking them out on you.

    For me the only option is breaking up.

    /edit:

    I can see however this is very difficult for you after five years of relationship, but I would definitely recommend to move out. Don't let yourself be drawn into an endless discussion and guilt tripping, be rock solid in your resolution and tell her you will move out for the time being, because you are not feeling well and you thing it would be an improvement to your relationship. Be polite with her parents, tell them, you are homesick and that you are not feeling well, I am very sure they will understand if they are this laid back. Finally, I think your parents will very well understand and support you in your decision, if you explain the matters at hand to them.

    good luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fostress wrote: »
    Sometimes ending a relationship can be so hard that we put it off for days, weeks, and even years. Many people get stuck in this stage, and one major reason for this is an overwhelming sense of guilt.

    That whole post was really good, but I especially relate to the paragraph highlighted.
    I was with my ex for 9 years. In reality we should have probably called it a day after about a year, but we kept going, kept trying to make it work, even got married and had a baby. Its just too easy to plod along in a shit relationship and never know what its like to truly be happy with someone.
    Its a waste of life
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    These feelings are natural, and show that you’re a caring, compassionate person. However, this desire to protect your partner can keep you living a lie. You owe your partner honesty and respect; you don’t owe him or her continued devotion when the relationship has expired in your heart and mind.

    :yes: I was hurt when my ex broke up with me....but what hurt more and continues to do in a way is that he never gave me an honest explanation. He was probably trying to protect me from being more hurt than I already was, but it really doesn't help. I knew him well enough to tell he wasn't being honest and I thought I deserved more after being together for several years and going through so much together. Just get it all over with in one go, it might be hard for them to digest but in the end they will appreciate your honesty, because then they can learn from it. And don't put it off, the longer you leave it the harder it is, and you're wasting both of your times.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello,

    Thank you once again for your replies, you don't know how much they mean to me!

    I can also really relate to the issue of putting a break-up off. There's been countless times over the last five years that I've felt like I've had enough, but never gone through with actually splitting.

    As I said before, I think a lot of it is down to thinking about her feelings rather than my own. However, that said, I think I've got a fear that if I go through with breaking up and moving home, I'll end up regretting it and missing what little we do have.

    I think she has fragile self-confidence and wouldn't just get on with her life if I left. I know that she'd hound me with phone calls, texts, e-mails and probably personal visits and I worry that I don't have the strength to ignore them.

    I made a list yesterday of things in my life that make me happy and things that don't. When I looked at it, I realised that this relationship is the #1 thing making me unhappy, but I just worry if I can live without it.

    The expression "you are a long time dead" really relates to me, as I don't want to waste my life or hers, but making this decision is to hard.

    Sometimes I think the answer would be just to get away for a bit and go away on my own, but is that just putting things off? I don't know if I'm going to reach any conclusion that way either!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It might be worth going to Relate for some relationship counselling - on your own.
    This can often be really helpful for people in your position

    http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I've got a fear that if I go through with breaking up and moving home, I'll end up regretting it and missing what little we do have.

    You will definitely do that, because there is (almost) always a phase of regret, no matter how awful the relationship or person was. That's why you need to hear different viewpoints, some of which you might have not considered before and then try to make a list of Pros and Cons to decide on it as objectively as possible and to be still convinced you did the right thing in the aftermath.
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