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im at breakin point and dont know what to do
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
im a 23yr guy and since i was 12 when my parents got divorced i cant think of a period of time were i havent been completey happy, it seems whenever one problem goes away another one just as bad if not worst comes along, when my parents first got divorced i went to live with my mum and little siter and changed school and moved away from were i grew up, which was all in a middle class multi culteral area and moved to one of the worst estates in the city which was well known for racism, so been 1/2 jewish made me a target. After about a year we managed to get off the estate and moved to another estate, which werent as bad as the one before but still known for racism. At that point my mum was in relationship with a racist and she spent alot of time with him and my sister and not with me, as time went by the way she spoke to me wasnt in a decent manner and i like the outsider of the family and this went on for 4-5 years. During the same period of time i was bullied in and out of school constantly, and as a result i tried to hang myself.
At school i was in the top classes for all but one subject and during my GCSE's i was moved into advanced classes for doing that well in my yr9 mock exams. when i was in my final year at high school and only weeks away from taking my GCSE exams, i find out that nearly all my course work has disapeered and was not sent off to marked. which made the last 2 years of my life a complete waste and since i was taking the higher tier exam papers, if u scored less than 60% you failed. As a result of that i failed all my exams except 2 subjects and could not do the course or go to the college i initally wanted,
when i was 17 i moved away from home and lived at the college i was studying at. during my first year id say it was the only time in my life where i was truely happy, i had freedom, lots of friends and money
was never a problem. when i started my second year, the college hired some new residental staff that patrolled the campus at night and made sure that there was no touble, but they did the complete opposite of that
and for some reason made my life hell, things went missin out of my room on a regular basis, but they were things that i shouldnt of had on me so i couldnt of reported it, theyd always stop me in front of my lectuers and make up very believerble things about me and even got me banned from the student bar by sayin that iv been buyng first years alcohol when i wasnt, at this point they made me a shadow of my former self where i was constintly paranoid felt unsafe and had lost all confidence in myelf and as a result of that i left college a couple of months before graduation due to the constant stress and loss of hair related to stress.
when i arrived back at my mums, she didnt want me to live there beacuse she had redecorated my room and thought i might ruin it, so i went to live with my dad who lived couple of hours away from were all my friends are. and for 4 years i just did nothing,i didnt work i constantly felt depressed and had no ambition or detemination to get back on my feet. it wasnt untill last christmas that i had a wake up call due to seein ppl my own age exchanging expsencive gifts to one another which they paid for with their hard earned cash and theres me with cheap gifts that i bought with my jobseekers allowence,
So in january i went job hunting and the best i manged to do is get a job as a cleaner which i find seriously degrading and i hate it knowinley that i could of been practicly anything i wanted to be.
recently ive bumped into a few people i knew from my teens and while talking to them, ive found out that some of the people that bullied me in the past and who i blame for making me the embaressment that i see myself as today. are very successful and have achieved alot in their life, i cant get the thought of them doing so well out of my head and i strongly feel like as if i have to do something to them to get even, which i know i am more than caperble of doing beacuse im not the skinny push over i used to be back then , the only thing keepin me back is thought of me going to jail, but thats only goin to stop me for so long.
i think its time i got some kind of help or a least speake to someone about this beacuse nearly everything that ive written above ive kept to myslef and not mentioned it to anyone ever.
At school i was in the top classes for all but one subject and during my GCSE's i was moved into advanced classes for doing that well in my yr9 mock exams. when i was in my final year at high school and only weeks away from taking my GCSE exams, i find out that nearly all my course work has disapeered and was not sent off to marked. which made the last 2 years of my life a complete waste and since i was taking the higher tier exam papers, if u scored less than 60% you failed. As a result of that i failed all my exams except 2 subjects and could not do the course or go to the college i initally wanted,
when i was 17 i moved away from home and lived at the college i was studying at. during my first year id say it was the only time in my life where i was truely happy, i had freedom, lots of friends and money
was never a problem. when i started my second year, the college hired some new residental staff that patrolled the campus at night and made sure that there was no touble, but they did the complete opposite of that
and for some reason made my life hell, things went missin out of my room on a regular basis, but they were things that i shouldnt of had on me so i couldnt of reported it, theyd always stop me in front of my lectuers and make up very believerble things about me and even got me banned from the student bar by sayin that iv been buyng first years alcohol when i wasnt, at this point they made me a shadow of my former self where i was constintly paranoid felt unsafe and had lost all confidence in myelf and as a result of that i left college a couple of months before graduation due to the constant stress and loss of hair related to stress.
when i arrived back at my mums, she didnt want me to live there beacuse she had redecorated my room and thought i might ruin it, so i went to live with my dad who lived couple of hours away from were all my friends are. and for 4 years i just did nothing,i didnt work i constantly felt depressed and had no ambition or detemination to get back on my feet. it wasnt untill last christmas that i had a wake up call due to seein ppl my own age exchanging expsencive gifts to one another which they paid for with their hard earned cash and theres me with cheap gifts that i bought with my jobseekers allowence,
So in january i went job hunting and the best i manged to do is get a job as a cleaner which i find seriously degrading and i hate it knowinley that i could of been practicly anything i wanted to be.
recently ive bumped into a few people i knew from my teens and while talking to them, ive found out that some of the people that bullied me in the past and who i blame for making me the embaressment that i see myself as today. are very successful and have achieved alot in their life, i cant get the thought of them doing so well out of my head and i strongly feel like as if i have to do something to them to get even, which i know i am more than caperble of doing beacuse im not the skinny push over i used to be back then , the only thing keepin me back is thought of me going to jail, but thats only goin to stop me for so long.
i think its time i got some kind of help or a least speake to someone about this beacuse nearly everything that ive written above ive kept to myslef and not mentioned it to anyone ever.
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Comments
When u was a child and these people bullied you, they were also children and probabley did not know any better ,u cannot punish people because they are doing better i life than u.
The best way to try and deal with things is to start thinking postively and make good of what u have been throu.
I have been throu bullying, rejection, family fallouts and a very close family member dying( my brother he committed suicide), but throu all of this i have learnt to cope and deal with things and i am a very postive person and lead a very happy life.
Try and put the past in the past, also presents u mentioned your friends exchanging being expensive, a gift if a gift from the heart of someone not how exensive it was and if u manged to buy gifts with your benefits u are a real good person u just need to see this yourself.
Goodluck x