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Loss of passion in our relationship! Women please help!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year in-a-half and at the very beginning of the relationship we have amazing sex. The sex was consistent, passionate and spontaneous. Now that we live together the sex has taken a turn in the opposite direction. We generally have sex once or twice a month, if that, and there is no passion to it at all. It feels as though it has become a chore almost to the point where it’s “wham, bam, thank you ma’am”.
I’ve been struggling a lot lately trying to bring our sex life where it used to be as I am beginning to become sexually frustrated. I understand that sex is not everything in a relationship but I do feel as though it is an important aspect of the relationship after all if there is no sex then we’re nothing more but friends. Sex to me brings a connection of closeness, sharing, love and being able to experience each other is the closest way possible. I value sex in an emotional/physical aspect in the same way in which she values it through cuddling, kissing, etc…without it I feel distant, unattached to her and emotionally disconnected.
Lately I have been frustrated because I miss not only the sexual pleasure to it but the passion with her as well. I feel as though the passion has become lost. Is it possible for a man to feel so much passion and desire to be physically close to his mate without a woman seeing as “He just wants sex” or “cares about nothing else but sex”? With my girl I desire to have the sexual/physical/emotional bond with her. I constantly fantasize about making love to her. No just sex but passionate love. She sees it as me just wanting sex but if that were the case then why would I want to live with her, marry her and spend the rest of my life with her? She constantly turns me down saying that it turns her off when I discuss it with her because she feels as though it’s not the only thing I care about but stats that I am objectifying her. If it were just about the sex and nothing more I’d find other ways to get it through cheating, strip clubs, escorts, etc…but I don’t because I want and desire that sexual passion with her and only her. How can I be “objectifying” her when I care so much about the passion between us? If she were simply an object I’d use her as a sex buddy and nothing more. How is it possible for her to think that when we have a relationship that we both want to proceed to marriage?
When I fantasize about passionate love making I see myself behind her, kissing her on the neck, caressing her breasts and slowly reaching down into her panties to give her pleasure. For the record…the sex is anything but this. Again, when we do have sex it’s simply her stripping down naked, laying on the bed waiting for me to “get the job done”. Where’s the passion? I want and desire the passion that leads up to it. When we do have sex it is always isolated to the bed. If we attempt to make love anywhere else she constantly complains that it’s uncomfortable, too hard of a surface, etc…killing the mood. It is not spontaneous in any way shape or form. The love making has become dull, scheduled and feels as though she’s doing it just to get me to shut up about it. I make every attempt to prove to her that it’s not just about me. I know that she can’t have an orgasm through intercourse so I purchased her a vibrator to get her there. Every time that we do have sex I also start out by giving her oral for 15 minutes or so because I want to please her and I want her to enjoy it. I finger her, caress her breasts, etc…only to have her respond by pushing me away saying that it “tickles” too much for me to do it.
I know the normal reply to this is to talk to her and let her know how I feel. Believe me, I have tried and tried only to fail time after time. Bringing up the issues causes her to become upset stating that I only care about the sex, that I am objectifying her, and that I am doing nothing but making her want to have less and less sex. Because of the circumstances I feel as though we’ve become friends instead of lovers. I feel that were nothing more but merely a guy and a girl that live together and sleeps in the same bed. How do I recover from this? Is it possible too? I wonder whether or not she has simply lost sexual attraction to me. How do I get her to understand that I passionately desire her and yearn for the emotional/physical bond that I get when we make love? Is this a potential problem that can hurt our relationship in the future? I love her very much and want to meet her needs in turn having her meet mine.
I’ve been struggling a lot lately trying to bring our sex life where it used to be as I am beginning to become sexually frustrated. I understand that sex is not everything in a relationship but I do feel as though it is an important aspect of the relationship after all if there is no sex then we’re nothing more but friends. Sex to me brings a connection of closeness, sharing, love and being able to experience each other is the closest way possible. I value sex in an emotional/physical aspect in the same way in which she values it through cuddling, kissing, etc…without it I feel distant, unattached to her and emotionally disconnected.
Lately I have been frustrated because I miss not only the sexual pleasure to it but the passion with her as well. I feel as though the passion has become lost. Is it possible for a man to feel so much passion and desire to be physically close to his mate without a woman seeing as “He just wants sex” or “cares about nothing else but sex”? With my girl I desire to have the sexual/physical/emotional bond with her. I constantly fantasize about making love to her. No just sex but passionate love. She sees it as me just wanting sex but if that were the case then why would I want to live with her, marry her and spend the rest of my life with her? She constantly turns me down saying that it turns her off when I discuss it with her because she feels as though it’s not the only thing I care about but stats that I am objectifying her. If it were just about the sex and nothing more I’d find other ways to get it through cheating, strip clubs, escorts, etc…but I don’t because I want and desire that sexual passion with her and only her. How can I be “objectifying” her when I care so much about the passion between us? If she were simply an object I’d use her as a sex buddy and nothing more. How is it possible for her to think that when we have a relationship that we both want to proceed to marriage?
When I fantasize about passionate love making I see myself behind her, kissing her on the neck, caressing her breasts and slowly reaching down into her panties to give her pleasure. For the record…the sex is anything but this. Again, when we do have sex it’s simply her stripping down naked, laying on the bed waiting for me to “get the job done”. Where’s the passion? I want and desire the passion that leads up to it. When we do have sex it is always isolated to the bed. If we attempt to make love anywhere else she constantly complains that it’s uncomfortable, too hard of a surface, etc…killing the mood. It is not spontaneous in any way shape or form. The love making has become dull, scheduled and feels as though she’s doing it just to get me to shut up about it. I make every attempt to prove to her that it’s not just about me. I know that she can’t have an orgasm through intercourse so I purchased her a vibrator to get her there. Every time that we do have sex I also start out by giving her oral for 15 minutes or so because I want to please her and I want her to enjoy it. I finger her, caress her breasts, etc…only to have her respond by pushing me away saying that it “tickles” too much for me to do it.
I know the normal reply to this is to talk to her and let her know how I feel. Believe me, I have tried and tried only to fail time after time. Bringing up the issues causes her to become upset stating that I only care about the sex, that I am objectifying her, and that I am doing nothing but making her want to have less and less sex. Because of the circumstances I feel as though we’ve become friends instead of lovers. I feel that were nothing more but merely a guy and a girl that live together and sleeps in the same bed. How do I recover from this? Is it possible too? I wonder whether or not she has simply lost sexual attraction to me. How do I get her to understand that I passionately desire her and yearn for the emotional/physical bond that I get when we make love? Is this a potential problem that can hurt our relationship in the future? I love her very much and want to meet her needs in turn having her meet mine.
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Comments
It’s great to see that you care so much about your relationship with your girlfriend and you’re taking the time to share how you feel – it’s a very positive step in trying to resolve your issues.
It’s seem that whilst you’re very clear in your mind about what you want from the relationship, both personally and sexually, it sounds like it’s your girlfriend who might be struggling with a few of her own challenges in regards to sex, which is not at all uncommon. The following link identifies the Top 10 worries for women around sex which might be of interest to her? http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/havingsex/performanceproblems/womenandsextoptenworries
Or it might be a good idea for her to talk to someone about how she’s feeling? Especially if you’re feeling disconnected and she doesn’t seem to enjoy it. There is some really good info in the following section on TheSite.org about different people she can talk to.
http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/couples/relationshipissues/sextherapy
You asked if it was possible for a man to feel so much passion and desire to be physically close to a partner without a woman seeing it as you just wanting sex? If you’re able to be completely honest with your girlfriend about why you want to have sex with her then it might help her to understand that it isn’t about you objectifying her but that it’s about feeling that connection and bond – if she genuinely understands that then she’s very likely to respond well – but being completely open and honest is key here. http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/couples/lifeasacouple/communicatingasacouple.
When you live with someone, the dynamic will naturally shift but there are lots of ways you can maintain the spark too – check these links out ☺ http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/couples/lifeasacouple/giveandtakesex http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/couples/lifeasacouple/driveyourwomanwild
Hope this is helpful for you
Take care
Katy
Btw, I really hope things work out for you. You seem like a very sensitive and passionate guy, and your gf is lucky to have you.