relationship issue - need to vent!!!!

Former Member

ARGH!!

ok so i had my first proper shift at work last night. I was told last week that it would be 6-9 so thats what i told my boyf.
However, as the night went on it was apparent that my boss wanted me to stay till closing, which i was told would be at about 11.
I texted me boy telling him that. Theen i actually ended up having to stay till 12 cleaning up from a big 18th birthday party.
I was so busy during this hour that i didnt have time to tell him, so when i eventually finished i looked at my phone to find 3 text messages saying stuff including
'i knew this would happen,i dont know what ur up to but im not impressed - i want to know your ok and im really annoyed. you better have a fucking good excuse cuz im wound up etc' :mad:

so i phone him and explain and he goes off on one saying im saying one thing to him and then doing another, im bullshitting him, how he doesnt believe my 'stories'.
Thus ensues an hour 'argument' where other shit from weeks ago gets brought up, i get upset, he hangs up on me 4 times, i ring back and the same thing happens.
Eventually it all calms down and he puts me on the spot by saying 'so, how do you feel about me. honest answer'.
I love him. I do. I realised this weeks ago but didnt want to say anything to him first. So i said so. He said it back. Im happy, but that is NOT the way i wanted it to happen - after a huge argument.
Apart from these jealousy issues he is the best guy i have ever ever met and im just confused!! I constantly feel like im on thin ice and any tiny little thing i say that doesnt match up to what he thinks ive previously said to him is going to cause another argument. Then thatll be it. He said last night that if he catches me 'bullshitting him' again then thats it, we're done. I have a feeling its going to end badly and im going to be the one in tears. :crying:

I can say with certainty that if we broke up i would be heart broken, but staying together.. im just constantly paranoid that he's going to find something else to argue about and then thatll be it. its a no win situation really

Im sorry if this is heard to follow, and im not sure if im asking for advice here, i just wanted to vent!!!! :banghead: I dont really have anyone to talk about this with so thought this would be the next best place:(

Former Member

he sounds a LOT like my ex, and i know you said you're in love with him, but it is not a good relationship when you are constantly worried about what you say to him in case it sparks off another argument. i did it for ages and it will get to a point where you are watching what you say around him and when you are with somebody you love you should be able to say anything. i know you said hes lovely or whatever but when somebody is threatening you saying if he catches you 'bullshitting' again then its over, when you havent even done anything apart from finish work late, he does not sound like a nice guy. what happens next time you finish work late and dont get to text him in time? you're going to be scared of him and thats never good!

is it really worth it?

Former Member

I'd give him an ultimatum

' If i have anymore of your "trust issue" shit becuase i've had to work late then it's over '

See how he fucking likes it.

Or, what i would do, get out now. I wouldnt stop with some tit who threatens me.

Former Member

the thing is though that when its good, its REALLY good!
We get on amazingly well, have lots in common, sex is amazing, he is kind and considerate.. and i love him like i said.
These 'issues' arise maybe.. once every 2-3 weeks. Its usually over something small and on the whole we usually argue for up to an hour and then kiss and make up and everythings fine again.
And sometimes i admit that its my fault! He is always the one that instigates the argument, true - but in all fairness, a few times he has had good reason to be angry with me. (ive not listened to him, fibbed about something small that he found out about etc) So the blame is not solely with him.

Im just really confused. i WANT to be with him, but at the same time i dont want to constantly be worrying about what i say. I know its not grounds for a good relationship, but i cant help feeling the good outweighs the bad?!!
arghh i really do love him and i just wish we didnt have this problem otherwise everything would be perfect!!

Former Member

FireyFirenze wrote: »

i know you said hes lovely or whatever but when somebody is threatening you saying if he catches you 'bullshitting' again then its over, when you havent even done anything apart from finish work late, he does not sound like a nice guy. what happens next time you finish work late and dont get to text him in time? you're going to be scared of him and thats never good!

is it really worth it?

No, its not worth it at all.

This is how it started for my cousin, shes the nicest person I know, she just picked the wrong guy. He started off being suspicious of everything she did. Other than going to work, every time she left the house he accused her of going to see another guy and he refused to believe anything she told him, saying that if she ever lied to him again then he would leave. Then he got jealous of everyone she spoke to, even her family, he said that she was spending to much time with us and he refused to let her see us anymore. She went along with it cus she loved him. Whenever we tried to get her to see what he was doing to her she would say things like "I love him, he needs me, I could never leave him" and "he is a good person, he's just really insecure".

That "good person" ended up putting her in hospital. She came to visit my mum who was sick at the time, after work without telling him. We got a phone call from her mum the next day saying she was in hospital. She nearly died because of his jealousy!

Run, far away from this guy. I know that just because this happened to her it wont neccassarily happen to you. But it might, and you might not be as lucky. I wouldnt trust any guy who acts like this. Its only a small step between threatening you and hitting you.

Former Member

soraliah wrote: »

the thing is though that when its good, its REALLY good!

That's exactly what most women in abusive relationships say. Just some food for thought.

Former Member

I guess ideally, when situations like the one you describe come up, he would give you the benefit of the doubt and, if he starts to get wound up, be able to take a step back and realise that the reaction he is having is an issue with him and controlling his emotions, rather than as a result of something you have done.

Understandably, it is hard sometimes to control emotions and jealousy, we all know that. But a step in the right direction is for him to recognise when he is getting unreasonably angry and trying to take steps to stop that for your relationships sake. Could you talk to him about this (we've got some info on communicating effectively here)? Do you think he would be prepared to admit that he sometimes reacts unreasonably and focuses on the negative, getting angry with you rather than giving you the benefit of the doubt? If you were able to see this as something that was an issue, that you are going to deal with as a couple, then it might be easier to deal with it - and prevent misunderstandings from becoming big arguments.

If he doesn't see this as a problem, or isn't prepared to listen to and work with you to sort out your concerns, or it keeps happening, then it really will be a matter of trying to balance up the good and the bad - and think about what you want from a relationship long term. We're here to help and support you whatever you decide.

Hope this helps a bit. *hug*

Former Member

I married someone like that. I really thought I loved him. He was a lot older, but (at his best) he was kind and generous, witty, good-looking and a good lover. We fought like cat and dog. When times were good, they were very good, but when things were bad, they were soul-destroying.

I realise now that I didn't know what real love was. What I was feeling was a combination of flattery, comfort and lust. I preferred to be with him than alone.

Unfortunately, relationships like that are doomed to failure in one way or another. In my case, I met someone else and summoned up the courage to leave.

I've said this elsewhere, but real love builds you up and makes you feel twice the person you really are. If someone is always bringing you down, they don't love you. Don't waste your time on them.

Former Member

soraliah wrote: »

These 'issues' arise maybe.. once every 2-3 weeks. Its usually over something small and on the whole we usually argue for up to an hour and then kiss and make up and everythings fine again.

Do you really want a relationship like this? I could never be with anyone who is like this with me. You shouldn't have to justify your every move with him.

Former Member

I think give him one chance, this chance. If he behaves like a control freak again, a mistrusting control freak, ditch his ass. Easier said than done but... I can't see it ending happily if this is his usual pattern of behaviour. On the other hand, if it was a one off glitch of insecurity, you needn't write him off as we all feel insecure sometimes?

Former Member

Fostress wrote: »

Do you think he would be prepared to admit that he sometimes reacts unreasonably and focuses on the negative, getting angry with you rather than giving you the benefit of the doubt? If you were able to see this as something that was an issue, that you are going to deal with as a couple, then it might be easier to deal with it - and prevent misunderstandings from becoming If he doesn't see this as a problem, or isn't prepared to listen to and work with you to sort out your concerns, or it keeps happening, then it really will be a matter of trying to balance up the good and the bad - and think about what you want from a relationship long term. We're here to help and support you whatever you decide.

Hope this helps a bit. *hug*

Ive never broached the subject with him to be honest - every time we've argued, its always him going on at me and im the one trying everything possible to alleviate it and calm things down. i HATE arguing so i guess im a bit of a pushover when the arguments happen and usually tend to agree with him and apologise to make things easier. I know he's the one at fault so i shouldnt NEED to apologise, but I get scared that if i do argue back with him that itll push him over the edge and he'll leave me.
Which, despite everything, i really dont want to happen.
Maybe im being a bit naiive but i think given time it will stop? The closer we get, the more he'll trust me and the less jealous he'll be and the less outbursts he'll have. . or so i hope anyway.

It cant hurt to talk to him about whether he thinks he's acting unreasonably anyway and about giving me benefit of the doubt. (oh and he DID apologise the day after our big argument and say he was in the wrong, so was v happy about that)
The way he responds when i bring it up with him will say all i guess!!

Thanks everyone for your responses by the way, its been very helpful

Former Member

soraliah wrote: »

Maybe im being a bit naiive but i think given time it will stop? The closer we get, the more he'll trust me and the less jealous he'll be and the less outbursts he'll have. . or so i hope anyway.

It sounds like your going out with my ex! I thought that the longer we were together the more he'd trust me, but it got worse and worse. He started hating me working, I couldnt talk about my day without him getting angry and jealous about something. And he hated me meeting up with my girl mates, he'd text constantly, and if I took too long to reply to a message or a message was too short, he'd accuse me of cheating and break up with me.

It's well controlling behaviour and you don't deserve it!

Former Member

No, its not worth it at all.