Why do I "freak" when stuff gets serious?

Former Member

I think I have a bit of an annoying problem but I'm not too sure how to sort it out and it's becoming relevant again. I'm not even sure if this post is very clear, so apologies in advance...

I'm currently single, but there is this guy who likes me. If it works out, then that would be good, he is a nice guy, I'd be keen to get to know him more.

But, and this is a big but, I find that the few times I have had boyfriends I always "freak" when it gets serious- it doesn't matter if I have been friends with him or is I haven't known him very long. It's as though I am scared of the relationship (if that makes sense). I don't understand why though? I like the thought of being in a relationship, and enjoyed it, but there is always a nagging voice in my head.
In my last serious relationship, it left me constantly doubting everything and feeling on edge, even when there was nothing wrong, which is not what is meant to happen! Like we were really close, and he suggested going on holiday together and going to my friends wedding as a couple (so normal couple stuff), and I just had an immediate "oh no" kind of feeling. It's nothing about him, it happened before him too, so it's definitely me.

Basically, how do I stop this and just enjoy relationships?

Former Member

I can relate to how you feel but I think you really need to take a step back and look at the relationship, find the things you really like about the other person in the relationship

I can only think that it might be a trust issue but I'm not really sure how to advise you on this

Former Member

Thanks. Guess it's a hard thing to give advice with and maybe something I need to think about myself.

I do feel like I trust them though, that's the weird thing. Maybe subconsiously I don't though. Hmmm....

I've always been quite independent and don't easily open up to people. That's the only thing I can think it may be? Because in a relationship you have to tell people more than you do your friends. Maybe I don't like the emotional intimacy?

Former Member

Hi there purpledhaze,

This seems to be something that has regularly affected you in many past relationships. It is the first step to be aware of the way you have "freaked out" in the past and realise that there is something you can do about it.

It is not unsual to be afraid to commit however it is important to try and nail down what is causing this for you. No one but yourself can truly understand why you react this way. Perhaps it could be a good idea to sit down and go through the different relationships in which you found yourself "scared of the relationship". Go through different times and situations and try to pinpoint what you felt or if something triggered your feelings.

Being afraid to commit can also come from a deeper root perhaps in your childhood. If you are keen to learn more about yourself, and understand why, perhaps this can be explored through counseling? You could contact a counselor by searching our local advice finder database.

Good luck :wave:

Former Member

thanks for those ideas

Former Member

no harm in seeing how things go it is still definitely early days but i can see why you're worried. if he proves himself to be a decent bloke a bit later on then there is no harm in talking through your concerns with him, i'm sure he would listen and reassure you. trust will come in time, i think a big part of letting yourself trust someone is sharing your insecurities and working through them together. in the meantime have fun

Former Member

thanks guys, well I went for a drink the other day, and must have left a good impression seeing him again soon.

I am going to try really hard so hopefully in a few months those problems don't appear/ can be kept in control!