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Some problems.. (relationship/sex issue)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Firstly, this is probably one of the hardest posts I have had to make on here in a long time,

I know there is a chance that lolz may read this but unfortunately this is one of the only place I can turn too. heck maybe it is a good thing she might see it.

Right, for those who do not know.. I have two children, my oldest being 3 and a half. Now before anyone says so, I understand the problems and understand things change with children... so here is the problem.

Now, I have a high sex drive. I love sex and all aspects of sex. Now my wife, thought the most part was the same. I understand kids change everything. But since halfway through her first pregnancy, sex has gone rapidly down hill. basically after birth I can understand but we went for about two years with little sex, I mean about, or less than half a dozen times. It got better, when lolz and I decided to conceive for number two. but once again during pregnancy this disappeared.

Now... it is a similar case again, this time around it is a little better, maybe once or twice every two or three weeks.

Now I understand that being a parent is hard and tiring.. but for someone, like me with a high sex drive it is difficult, so when we do it seems to be a wham, bam over and done with. She doesn't seem to be very adventurous any more, doesn't seem to want to even do anything and when she does, it's just because...

I don't know why I am writing this, I mostly seem to have a low self esteem problem right now which is causing me to make me think it is my fault. I love my wife and I love being intimate for her, I love sex, but not having it.... is hard, I know sex isn't everything but it is important to me.

Before anyone says it, No I am not going to look elsewhere, I love my wife and only my wife..

I am just wanting to know, if/when we talk about this of options we have to overcome this issue... to try and make things easier.

Thank you!
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That must have been hard to write. You know the deal though, talk to your wife.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    That must have been hard to write. You know the deal though, talk to your wife.

    It is something I am working up to doing, thanks, But I want to approch the subject with possible solutions, instead of talking to her and going... well what do we do now? if you get my understanding,

    Thanks Katralla..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know how realistic this would be with kids the age yours are, but what about trying to set aside one night, even every other week, as a "date night." If you could afford a babysitter or have a friend/family member watch the little ones, or just do something at home with them there. And of course the date night ends in sex ;) But it could also give you some good quality time together with the happy ending. I remember my parents starting date night when I was little and they were having problems, and they continued it until the day I moved out!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I like the my aemne solution and to expan don it - as a parent, I have found that my hornyinest tuime is as a parent on the second morning o no responsibiliby. So, if I am with babysitter for the weekend, I am amost likely to want to tohavce sex on the sunday morning- not the sat monring`
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks myname, this is something I thought about.. we have a few problems with that, our youngest is still breastfed, therefore it is a problem with baby sitting, aka we cannot have a night away from the kids.. but I want to look at possibility of being able to do it. cheers.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you ought to wait till the child is weaned before seriously trying to increase the regularity - we are but animals, and there are evolutionary advantages to suppressing the sex drive while you are still feeding
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also, it might be that she doesn't find herself in the mood with the kids around. The idea of being interupted by little ones would be a massive massive mood killer for me, even if they were my own. With your oldest now I imagine capable of roaming the house on his own to a certain extent, have you considered getting a lock on the bedroom door?

    Also, I know you know its not all about sex, you how much do you try the snuggly cosey stuff with no expectation of sex at all. Might be a way to help get her mind off the kids for a bit. A shoulder rub while she's doing something else, or if you get any down time in the evening on the sofa kind of thing.

    I'd guess with two little ones, bedtime is precious sleeping time!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    And I'm really really impressed, I'd have posted under another username. Good on you for being such a damn lovely husband.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    pregnancy and breastfeeding can play havoc with the libido. A lot of peoples dont return until the baby is weaned. Try to be patient and not let it ruin your self esteem. If it still doesnt come back when baby is weaned then it maybe more of a problem
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A couple of things:

    1 Tired. It's not easy looking after kids
    2 Self esteem. She might be feeling this too, seeing herself as a "mother" now and not as a sexual person

    You might find that you need to reinforce how much you desire and love her, that you don't see her in just the "mother" and "wife" mold, that you still remember and love "Lolz". That means a little romance, making time out for both of you to be the people you were before the kids got marries and it means don't pressure her for sex. Do the first part correctly and the second will follow...

    Good luck. Been there, done that. It's not easy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys, MoK, I know both of these things cause problems, the same with what SCC said, I know the causes, obviously with my low self esteem, it will keep going on regardless of what lolz says because it self manifests, lack of sex = feels unwanted = sad, I know this isn't true but I can't help not feeling this.

    MoK I know her self esteem has been low, I reassure her all the time she is gorgous, beautiful, we usually go out for a meal once or twice a month, on a "date" but we have to take smaller fry with us (Gabriel) as he is so young, it's a lovely evening but by the time we get round to getting to bed. She is asleep. I do understand she has the hardest job in the world, I could never do what she does. I appreciate her so much for it. alas I cannot stop feeling what I feel, and combating this is something I wish to do. I know I need to involve her to do this. I know there is something we can do, the advice so far has been brilliant and I will try it out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    And I'm really really impressed, I'd have posted under another username. Good on you for being such a damn lovely husband.

    Thanks, but I don't see why I should hide who I am, I mean I understand why some do, but I joined these boards for advice, as far as I can see thats all I am doing.. but thank you. means a lot
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know how helpful this will be, but I'll bung it in here anyway because it cant hurt.

    I used to be with a guy that had trouble staying erect. For the most part his problem was psychological - he's had a traumatic family bereavement and had taken a knock in all aspects of his confidence. He knew that cuddling and kissing would invariably lead to sex, which triggered some kind of self-confidence induced panic reflex and he couldn't perform.

    Maybe I'm mad, but I see a few similarities between your situation and mine; massive change in your life, self confidence knock and being unable to perform as a result. I've never experienced what you have, so I may well be talking through my arse, and I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to her.

    But - Your lady must be just as aware as you are that the sex has dried up, and after having two babies in three years I'll bet she's very insecure about how she looks, no matter what you say, or how you think she looks. And what's more, your whole dynamic has changed; because of your babies you only have these small, pressure-filled windows in which to be intimate.

    The way I went around starting to fix the problem I had with my man was to introduce non threatening touch into our relationship, basically massage. It sounds stupid, but it has a lot advantages - she gets to associate you with pleasurable and relaxing touch again, without the stresses you both might have come to associate with sex. You don't need to worry about the littl'un walking in because you're not doing anything sexual, and you don't need to alocate a big window of time to do it. She gets to feel comfortable in her body. You both get to be intimate without having sex. For me, it was a segway into rebuilding our bond and our confidence again. gradually, he started to reciprocate the massages and in his own time we incorporated it into our sexlife. We also got to have a lot of fun with massage oils :D

    The ground rules: This is just about touch, not sex, or sexual touch. Don't expect or ask for a massage back - it's just for her. Don't try and get sex immediately after it. Get ready for her to fall asleep during the massage and for you to be horribly sexually frustrated. Also - don't do a wimpy man massage: you're not prodding her shoulders a bit, this is meant to be a really sensory experience- you can massage her whole back as well as legs, arms and face.

    I don't know if that will help at all, but for me when a masseur friend of mine mentioned this it was a light switching on, and it really helped us.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd second the massage - however tired and worn out I'm feeling always picks me up. Whether its into the best, most relaxed wonderful sleep or into the mood for sex varies, but never fails to make me feel good.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I won't quote you Evenstar but WOW... that sounds perfect, and the next time I can I will do that. it sounds wonderful, heck perfect.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When I went off sex for a bit we did the Sensate Focus technique. Like in this link http://www.basrt.org.uk/tips.asp , scroll down to the bottom there is pdf to download which explains it. We did it three times a week. Several other factors changed and I also started having sex therapy but eventually things got better and now they are really good. Maybe you could give it a try.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks RG, It doesn't seem to be something I can relate too or... do I think, I dunno... and I really don't fully understand at the moment, but will read fully when somewhere private, cheers.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No worries Hellfire, hope it helps. PM me if you need any basic massage techniques :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the advice... Tonight wasn't a good night today, something, someone said hit home... what if this never changes, What if her sex drive does never return, it is like this forever.... can a marriage survive something like this.. This is the question that has been playing over and over in my head all night.. and It's making me feel worse and worse... so much so I felt like going to somewhere I had not been in years, a long time..

    I wont, I cant as I am a father, but this seems to run a lot deeper than just sex, this is one of many things which seems to glue our marriage together! and.... I know this is a what if, an unlikely scenario... but it's still a possibility, and for that. I am scared, I mean terrified..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As MoK and others said, this does seem to be a fairly common problem. I really don't see why it would be forever - whoever said that to you is talking rubbish.

    I know it's hard to think straight when you're very focused on one issue - my gf and I live opposite ends of the country, so I understand how tough sex starvation is! - but try not to let it affect other parts of your life. I think the suggestions people had about intimacy could really help (esp. Evenstar's first post).

    Hang in there :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    HF you're right, it could be forever and it could destroy your marriage.

    But then asteroids could hit the earth and destroy it.

    The moon might be made of cheese.

    You might win the lottery.

    Just because things are possibilities it doesn't mean they're going to happen. And if you're scared about the future, I'd say chill out slightly and take a step back. If things really were looking grim for the long term and that being parents was going to upset the rest of your marriage then things would probably be worse on the sex front between the two of you after your second little one than they were after the first. From what you've said that's not the case at all......

    I know it's hard, but patience my dear boy, patience.

    And remember not every day is a good day, but that doesn't stop the potential for every tomorrow to be a good one.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, it's very common, and yes, your marriage can survive it, but you need to talk to her about everything you're feeling, and you need to both be honest. Don't lose touch with each other.

    If her self esteem is low and your self esteem is low and you're not talking about it then most likely you'll both be taking things the other does way out of context, and just making the whole situation spiral down and down and down. I wouldn't present her with possible solutions, I'd just tell her the truth now, let her tell you what's going on with her, and you can look for solutions together.

    Don't make any rash decisions or judgements til she's stopped feeding though, cause until then her body isn't firing on all cylinders, sexytime wise. I know mine isn't! Plus if she's anything like me, she'll always have one ear listening out for the little one, and it's really hard to relax and get into sex when you're expecting a tiny whimper any second. It's certainly not swinging from the rafters type stuff!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it probably wont be forever. A libido drop when breastfeeding is FAR more common than someone feeling super sexy when theyre breastfeeding. Its totally totally normal for her to be feeling that way. How old is nipper now?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    See... I know this but I cannot help thinking about this, I don't know... I know things aren't THAT bad.. but after what happened after Theo, two years im just scared..

    Sorry guys
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But remember, things are different to how they were after Theo, already you've said that.

    Fret not, it's easy to say, but try. And try and get you and Lolz a bit of together time, I know its difficult with work and two little ones, but even if it's just snuggling on the sofa. By the sounds of it you could both do with a cuddle!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    and youve got to remember, this is the long haul. There will be peaks and lows throughout your marriage, periods of lots of sex, periods of hardly any, especially when your children are young. Dont fret about this short period of time. If your relationship is good in all the other ways, then the sex will come back
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know your right suzy, its just my insecurity, I know everything is ok... if not great.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know your right suzy, its just my insecurity, I know everything is ok... if not great.

    Ive been down a,lot lately for no reason. I think I link a lot of it to this problem... maybe blowing it out of proportion.. alas I'm still feeling down... why...what's worse I feel ill now
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    just keep up the intimacy, even if it doesnt lead to sex. Kissing and touching and chats etc
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    just keep up the intimacy

    This.
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